Out of my Head

I talked to my friend Nate today who is Adam's roomate, about the whole thing going on between me and him.

Last night Adam and I watched The Fall in his room(which it's a crazy amazing movie by the way-english version of Amelie). Anyways it was soooo cute and I had fun because we just cuddled the whole time. Even when Nate came in Adam just kept wrapping his arms around me. It made it feel real.

And then once again after I left, I was thinking.


So since I havn't told anyone else what's going on-I decided to talk to Nate about it. I told him how I just feel like this light switch flipped on-for both of us and all the sudden it's an entirely different way of looking at each other. I told him how it was weird to have been the girl he always told about who he liked or who he thought was cute...and then actually be that girl? How I know that Adam dosn't want a relationship but at the same time I don't want to be sitting with him and he thinking about Ashley. Because I have never believed him when he's said that.
Nate understood everything I was thinking and basically just told me that I need to think of it this way...this can turn out as something really good or really bad if we continue what we're doing. We're never going to have the relationship we had before. It's even harder for me since I don't have anything to compare it to.

I think I'm just scared of screwing it all up. And I keep thinking that he's just going to use me for sex like all the other guys on this campus-but I know he would NEVER do that. Seriously. And no I havn't had sex with anyone-I'm just saying it seems like it's the only thing guys are after here. Oh and now that I think about it I don't want that whole friends with benefits thing to happen either.

But I guess I just have to think how I feel right now-and that's happy.

Confusion

You know how whenever I talk about Adam and I-it's always goes back to the fact that we have more of a borther-sister relationship? Ha, well that changed.

Saturday night I went to a superhero party we had with this frat. I was batwoman and it was awesome. I didn't stay long though because I didn't want to drink much that night in the first place. But somehow I did drink a bit because I was able to run around in the cold with no more than underarmor and leggings on. So I went back to the dorms and decided to go over to my friend Jeremy's. I ran there singing "nanananana batman!" When I finally got there it was just 4 of them, chillin. They had been drinking since like 6pm, but they weren't plastered or anything. So Adam asks me if I want to go back and watch Harry Potter, which I was super excited for because I've been wanting to watch it for FOREVER.

We get back to the dorms and find out neither of us have Harry Potter so we settle for Nightmare Before Christmas instead. I gave him a back massage and then after the movie was over or maybe before it was over we just layed down and started talking. Somehow that led to tickling which led to cuddling. He kept pulling me really close to his face, but I didn't want to kiss him because I was so confused as to what was going on. Finally he did, and we both kind of stopped and came back down to earth and said "what's going on?"

And so the great conversation began- I told him that I'm just confused because we've always been really good friends/brother and sister kind of thing. Then I pointed out that I didn't want to become another "Katie Pauls" joke. (one of our friends "took advantage" of adam while he was schwasted and she was almost sober. But she blamed her actions on being super drunk). Then he said-no it's not like that-because I actually like you and I'm not even that drunk anymore. He said that he was really confused because he dosn't want to be in a relationship right now because he just broke up with his gf two weeks ago?Maybe 3 weeks? I can't remember. THen I was telling him that I like him too, but theres just this part of me that's saying "no-you're only friends", because I've been telling myself that the past year I've known him. Like if at any moment I ever though of him more than a friend I would tell myself that.

Anyways, so we settled on the fact that we're going to consider it...like put it on hold for awhile.

Last night I was working on homework in their room and he gave me a back massage and all of us(roomate+girlfriend were there too) just talked and watched storm chasers. Then we realized that it was 1 am and we needed to go to bed! I went to leave and Adam walked out with me. It was a bit of an awkward moment because all the sudden he was like "so-I'm sorry I tried to kiss you last night." and what am I supposed to say to that? I mean I said it was fine-but it just caught me off guard. But then he said "but I meant everything else, like I really do mean it."

I just can't believe how complicated it all is.

Girl Interrupted

Oh philosophy just puts me in the best of moods.

I might as well die. Thanks Socrates. Because to have a good life I need to be searching for the meanings of virtues, and if I don't I'm simply sleep walking through life. Well there must be more to it than that?

"What about our friends?" I asked my friend Adam today when he said he wasn't afraid to die. "Aren't afraid about what you're leaving behind?"

and he made a good point....

"Who are we leaving behind? What are our friendships? No matter how close we are with someone-no one will understand the feeling of my hate, my love, my happiness. No matter how hard we try to explain our emotions they can never be put into words. We're alone. We die alone. We're not leaving anyone behind."

What do you think? Is there any point to being here?

So that led me to being fairly depressed. Then I got even more so when Adam and this girl Britta were going to go see this comedy show tonight. All of my good friends seem to be getting girlfriends...except me...well I'd like a boy please.

There's something terribly awful about never having a boyfriend. If my lack of self-esteem wasn't brought down enough by my eating problems, the no-relationship thing is really starting to set in. My friends tell me that they can't believe that I don't have a boyfriend or never had one. Which then leads to them wanting to set me up with someone and whatnot....
but there's another problem. It's soooo hard for me to be together with someone...
I guess it's something you can't explain.
You know the saying 'You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself'? Well...I think it's absolutely true.
Or at least for me...

Shaky hands, tired legs, droopy eyes.

That's all I have to say. Winter term is going to be frickin tough.

*Note

That last post had nothing to do with being vegan because I havn't had a problem all day! I havn't eaten yet, but I just plan on having a sweet potato for dinner. I put the fact that I'm going vegan on facebook and one of my old sorority sisters contacted me and said she was a vegan now too! Turns out we read the same book! Funny eh?

Vegan Diaries Day One:

Well the day isn't even almost over but i think I can sum it up from here.

I had my philosophy class today and it sounds AWESOME! Keep in mind first days are for syllabus explaining and introductions. But my class is called Life and Death and it's all about issues involving killing like abortion, euthanasia(of humans), and ANIMAL RIGHTS! AND my prof. asked if anyone is a vegetarian and of course I raised my hand. Then he said "Everyone BUT you is going to have to tell me why you should NOT eat animals". And I know he's on my side because he started blurting out facts about how we don't need to eat them anymore and an animals life is just as valuable as ours.

Then I had swedish class and that was just fun because it's swedish.

Tomorrow I have Mineralogy, Grand Canyon Seminar, and Modern Fiction. 8:30-4:20. usch.

This morning I got an email saying..."Interested in TAing for GEOL101 lab this term? I’d be glad to have your help, and I think you’d be good at it"
YAY! I've got my job again-but it's with a different prof./the one I baby sit for. I was also asked to write a quote about the geology department for some admissions packets so prospective students could get a major's perspective. It's little things like that-that make me think my professors think highly of me. Maybe I'm just on a high horse.

Well I'm supa tired and my abdomen feels like a baby is rolling around in it(not literally-but I think you'll get the hint). SO I'm going to take a sweet nap and read some of my book on the grand canyon!!

Stay Tuned...

STARTING AT 12 TONIGHT I'M GOING VEGAN FOR A WEEK AND A HALF!
That's right-The Vegan Diaries will be back.

I'm actually excited...but I think I was last time...
Last time I underestimated how hard it would be, but I think this time will be better because I'm reading Sinny Botch and I'm going to write down on paper why something is bad. So every time I get a craving I'll read that paper right away.I can taste the success already. Then it will be thanksgiving and I'll be back on it again-hopefully increasing the length of time.

I want to start running to build up my long distance and increase the amount of times I'm doing the wolf workout.

I don't want classes to start. For some reason I keep telling myself this term is going to be fucking hard. Maybe my gut is right.

NOT Excited for School

For once in my college career I am not looking forward to going back to school, and I think you will sympathize with me for the following reasons...
1.) I will be pulled apart from my puppy again for 5 weeks
2.) I won't be able to sit around in my pajamas ALL day
3.) My classes are going to be so time-sucking that I won't get to go out that much
4.) No more Second Life because my laptop dosn't support it...and if it did the internet is too crap to allow me to move in it.
5.)Possible blog neglect because my attention span logarithmically declines.

I think 5 is enough.

Tomorrow I'm leaving around 10:30-11 am, so no sleeping in because I have not PACKED, looked for ANYTHING that I need to pack but hadn't gathered for packing, or balanced my checkbook. And I still need to take a shower. AND by the time I wake up it's 9:30 because my bed(although nice a large) has incompetent pillows on it that hinder my sleep.

Which reminds me- I have been having AWFUL nightmares almost EVERY night. I think it's because I've been eating before I've gone to bed. Last night my first nightmare was a repeat of me being chased by something through a house...i don't remember it well. Then I had another but I don't remember it and then another which I do remember. I was eating chicken legs. CHICKEN. And if you've forgotten I'm still a vegetarian. So I'm just chomping away at them and somebody says "Amanda, why are you eating chicken?I thought you were a vegetarian?"
And I just drop it down on my plate and say "I'm eating chicken?!" As if I was fucking blind. My dreams never cease to amaze me. There's this really creepy one I had but there's no way I want to describe all of it.

I've been enjoying all the chemically enriched foods in my house and I'm going to continue until tomorrow. Then it's vegan time! I should look back in my blog to see if I wrote about it last year. It was not a good experience, but I think I'll do fine this first week and a half.

Welll I should get going and do some of my chores before it gets too late. Write to you when I'm back at school!

Skinny Bitch

I'm not quite sure what kicked me in the butt today...but I finally bought the book Skinny Bitch. I've seen it on the front shelves of bookstores for god knows how long now. I've read about a third of it so far and I am determined to go vegan starting next monday and lasting till Thanksgiving. From there hopefully I'll extend to two weeks and gradually build up. I strongly suggest all of you read this book because it is...an eye-opener to say the least. I thought I knew a decent amount about our nations food industry-or at least a bare minimum. And the best part is that it's not a total heap of scientific findings proving all the "got milk" commercials wrong-but 2 women cursing at the reader for being so naive.

Well Tina had mentioned going into Chicago tonight to see Megan, which I was really excited about because I havn't seen Megan in forever let alone ever been to her apartment. But I had to run errands all day and I've got more tomorrow. Plus tomorrow is my mom's birthday. So no trip to Chicago for me. I texted Tina this morning about it and I still havn't gotten a reply. Now that I'm thinking about it if I went there I wouldn't even want to drink really-just have one of those fun movie nights that we used to have.

For my mom's birthday I ended up getting her a book about Bernese Mountain dogs and some dish cloths and REALLY pretty flowers. And of course I got her a cute little gift bag and matching tissue paper. How about a card? Well I did not get one. I hope she'll appreciate a homemade one...or just no card.

Today I took Carli for a walk around Peck Farm and it was slightly unsuccessfull. She likes to go in the grass and lay down and try to take off her harness because-well she hates it. Then she just sits their and refuses to get up. She's 48 Lbs. now so it's impossible for me to drag her up or carry her. So we got maybe a little less than a mile into it and had to turn around. Then at one part in the trail there's a mowed section so she found a stick and we both started RUNNING back to the barn/parking lot. It was a nice little work out and I didn't even get tired(from running).

I've also found (drum roll please) A HOTEL IN NEW YORK, NEW YORK! Turns out I was looking unter a specific part of our timeshare. So a possible trip during the first part of my spring break!? Break is Feb.20-March 8th...but I leave to go to the grand canyon on March 1st...and I don't know if we have to be anywhere before then. Hopefully I'll find all the details out next week because our seminars will be starting.

Well I'm going to go read more of my Skinny Bitch and watch Survivorman.

Buy Me a Backpack

Today was another day of pure laziness. I was so lazy that I didn't even make it to the computer until 6:30 pm! But I don't feel too bad because tomorrow I will be busy doing lots of things such as...

Getting ready to go on an adventure almost an hour from my home
Once ready me and my mu will hopefully stop at the cupcake place again because we have a Free cupcake coupon.
Go to Grandpa's house
GO TO REI!!! REI is a huge outdoor store where I will find all things camping related. And in time will develop half of my christmas list from.
And then we will come back home and hopefully I will eat a sweet potatoe for dinner because I just love them now. LOVE LOVE LOVE sötpotatis!

Oh funny thing- I tried switching the language on my Plurk to Swedish but they don't have it all translated yet...so I tried some nordic thing instead which is fairly close but still not fully swedish. AND I can't get it to switch back to English. So I am mildly confused at some of the options, but luckily I waited to get more familiar with it before switching the language.

I dyed my hair! It came out really weird. Well not really...just not what I expected...which isnot surprising in box hair dyes.
Normally when I redye my hair I dye it black so it's always way darker than what I had. Recently I've been going for a less severe look and it's more of a dark brown-chestnut with ugly regrowth of my normal dark, dirty blonde hair.
I dyed it Dark Auburn. No it's not dark red or something. Did I mention my skintone looks awful with red hair? Well I don't have red hair. It's not really darker than what I had...which I think is why I'm kind of weirded out by it . But its just got this fall color in it. Which is good I think because I would like people to look at me and say fall. I would like it even more if they said Thanksgiving because that's end of fall near winter. Then maybe after christmas I'll dye it black in time for pledging. I'd like to look more severe for that because...well I'll explain another time.

Hair cut went well...it dosn't look much different-just cleaned up. I took before and after photos but then I realized that I don't have a connector for my camera and I'm too lazy to wait till sunday to do it.

I have reached the Tribal stage in spore and it's confusing the hell out of me.

That is all.

Antiques

Sooo today I played some Spore and I think it's a pretty fun game. I like the whole evolution concept but I really wish they would elaborate more on it-like when your nest seperates they could evolve differently...AND for time to go FASTER. Obviously they do it for playing reasons because I wouldn't want to be stuck in that cell stage forever but the time it takes for each stage is literally an inverse of the actual time.

I decided to go on SL and do some more winter inventory cleaning. Today I did my notecards and that was quite fun actually. I found lots of poems by Willow and past conversations between us all, slootsville meeting minutes!, and lots of childlike notes that would be passed around in a middle school classroom(which were probably the most interesting).

I remember joining SL and fudging the age which didn't matter because my mom willingly handed over her credit card. SL has no idea how clueless parents from my mom's generation are with the internet. Anyway-luckily I joined because I was following a group from TSO over, so I didn't make friends with some creepy child molesters or what not. I actually had no idea that I was not allowed in the game until about 1 month in. I remember telling someone that I was 13 or 14 and they told me not to say that anymore or I'd be kicked out. Obviosuly I didn't make it too obvious because I managed to slip through all the underage scares.

But these notes I found were from one of the most crazy periods in SL. When Lala and Ark were together...WillowC and Zid...and WillowZ and Fred. And then there were the group of kids...Stuart, Josan, Bobb, and maybe more but I can't remember. I had notecards from fights within both groups. And the most entertaining were the fights or conversations of our kid group. Because at any age you(or at least I do) think that you are acting like an adult in any fight. But of course freshmen and sophmores in high school are quite far from it. If I had heard a group of people in SL talking like we had I would have wanted to punch a baby.

For the rest of today I'm going to go get my hair cut. I really want to dye it today too, but my hairstylist will probably put some of that balm or wax in it to volumize it. But maybe once I show it to my friend Tina I'll go home and wash it and dye it and wash it and dry it! I still need to think about how to describe what I want, because I don't know what I want done. I need a trim-especially my bangs-they're looking reall special now.

Well I need to go take a shower even though I've been avoiding it :/ I hate taking showers at home because there's a huge mirror in thebathroom and I hate seeing myself in it.

Trying New Things.

So today I'm going to try and sit nice, because my back and neck are beginning to fuse together from all the knots I have in it. I'm sitting straight up with my shoulders back and it feels great. Too bad I look like one of those secretarys in movies that you want to slap because they're posture is just too exceptional.

Note: I have already begun slouching again

I'm having such a hard time sleeping. My bed isn't comfy and I can't stop thinking about one of the people from the Strangers coming to get me. I'm always the last one up so I have to turn off all the lights.

Tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut and I can't wait. I guess I'll really just be getting it trimmed since I want to grow it out but my bangs look awful. Then I'll probably dye it on wednesday so it will be nice and dark again :)

Since saturday I've been having this feeling like I feel full but my head is still hungry? Do you ever get that? I hate it. I think it's just boredom hungry. The pros of being at school is that if you're hungry-you'll have to get up and go get food and then pay for it...which usually is just out of the question-especially for a little snack. But at home its all free and it's fresh! At school it's...definitely not fresh. Ugh I just feel so gross right now. I'm sure this it TMI but I hope it's just an indication my "friend" might be coming soon because I either missed it or it just keeps coming later and later. When I get back to school I'm going to start taking those pills again, just to get back on track.

My puppy had lost all of her baby fangs! She's like a gummy old grandma now.

I carved a pumpkin yesterday even though it's past halloween. The saw I was using from my Leatherman slipped and scrapped over my wrist. It looks like I'm a cutter now who..well...just had a fucked up knife. It hurts a lot though-I only caught the top layer of skin.

Anyways I'm going to go watch the movie Jack for a bit before I start really vegging out andplaying video games.

Nineteen.

I awoke today at 10:30 to my gynormous "puppy" leaping onto my bed and trying to peel my eyelids open with her tongue.

I was surprised I slept so much. The last week of school I got so much sleep, so I wasn't too happy that yet again I slept in so long. But what could I do. I got out of bed and went downstairs, wrapped myself in a blanket and lied on the couch. My mom eventually prodded at me, because we were going to go out and do some errands.

First stop was the apple orchard. Half way down the road my friend Caitlin calls(and she never calls me). So I answered and she told me that she broke up with her boyfriend DJ.
Sidenote: She ran off with this guy early in the summer to another state. She dosn't have a job, she hasn't finished college, she dosn't do anything. It seemed like they were just together to smoke pot and have sex. He's also five years older than her...which I shouldn't really hold against them.
Anyways so she's stuck 3 hours away and probably freaking out. I told her I'd call her back because I was busy at the moment. In a way I feel like I should have told my mom to turn around so I could go get her-but the thing is we're not even good friends anymore. The last time I saw her she blew pot-smoke in my face. And laughed. I still need to call her back.
At the apple orchard my mom bought me 2 jars of berry spread and a gallon of apple cider.

Then we went to downtown Geneva! I went to my swedish store and it was so much fun. Laura bought me these super warm gloves, a key chain, and a little childrens book about how to celebrate christmas like a swede. Then we went to the cupcake store called the Latest Crave. Laura bought me a carrot cupcake and it was probably the BEST cupcake I've ever had.

From there it gets a bit fuzzy since we just went to various department stores looking for little things. I found a haircolor to try out- Dark Auburn. It looks really pretty on the box. I hope it's not too red though. I don't have the right skin tone for red hair. I guess if it dosn't work out I'll just dye it darker brown again.

I got this juice at the grocery store called Naked. It's got 30 grams of protein in the whole bottle which I think is pretty darn impressive. Only bad thing is that it tastes like protein powder with a little bit of pineapple juice. So it's like I can still feel the powderyness to it...but theres not much you can do about that. I bet it's just oversaturated with protein in it so it can't dissolve anymore. Holy shit...I just applied chemistry to real life. UGHHHH

Tomorrow is sunday...more doing nothing. We had a fire tonight. I think I want to start my LOTR watching tomorrow. Maybe pair it up with some hot chocolate and a blankie. Or maybe I should wait till monday when I've got the house to myself. Then I could turn the sound up really loud.

I decided that my drink is liquid chalk...liquid PINEAPPLE chalk.

First Days Were Never So Relaxing

After a tough time of falling asleep last night due to flashbacks of the movie "The Strangers". I finally quieted my thoughts around 1:30 am and decided it was time to sleep.

I woke up at 8 am to my phone alarm, which I immediatly changed to go off at 9 am. I awoke an hour AND 45 minutes later at 9:45. My eyes adjusted to the high ceiling and wide space. It's funny how I've lived in a dorm room with another person that is about half the size of my room. After a quick washing of my hair I went downstairs to find the house empty. My mom had taken the dog out for a walk. Time seemed to fly by from there. I spent the morning watching BBC America and all my favorite shows. I miss that station so much.

Around 1 or 2 pm I went on SL and saw Willow for a split second, but she was replaced a moment later by Laura who I havn't talked to in ages it seems. We had a nice catch up chat with some drunken moment comparisons. It's weird going back to SL after such a long time. It feels like I never left...but when you talk to people you don't know what to say. It's like the natural conversations that you used to have are lost somewhere and you don't remember how to even talk to people over the internet. Sadly niether of us were able to stay on long. I had to run off to go shop for a bit with my mom.

Shopping in Geneva always dissapoints me. We have so many nice stores but it seems like they never carry anything I like. All the stuff I DO like is ONLINE. We went to Victoria's Secret there, and it was probably the most successful part of the trip. I got 5 pairs of undies and I'm sorry if you don't care about that but I just love buying underwear from Victoria's Secret. All of them are cute and wintery themed and it just makes me smile thinking about it. Anyways-enough underwear obsession. Next was DSW-this HUGE discount shoe store. Normally I can always find at least ONE pair of shoes that I love. AND today I had two missions in that store: an everyday walking shoe and an ill weather boot(ie) thing. Of course I found niether. Last on the list was Fresh Market, which is this horribly overpriced organic food store that I just love because I love that organic fancy stuff. Laura wanted nothing to do with it and limited all of my purchases to 2 avocados, 1 apple, 1 squash, a tray of Anari, some crisp bread, and a advent calendar that I thought was swedish but is actully German. Oh well, at least the chocolate will be good. I should have figured-I mean you never hear "I LOVE SWEDISH CHOCOLATE!"

Speaking of Swedish, there's a store in downtown Geneva that has a bunch of swede merchandice and I can't wait to go and speak swedish to the old guy in it and buy swedish stuff for my dorm room. I'm so happy I found a language that I love studying. Even if there are like no swedish people in the USA, I've got my college and hometown that has some swedish aspects to it.

I finished off the night by buying Sex and the City on payperview. It's such a great movie. I never thought I would like it.

Tomorrow my mom and I are going to an apple orchard by our house to get apple cider. I'll also insist on a caramel apple and a couple donuts to treat myself with.

Things I need to do:
Go try Thai food with my friend Tina
Go to H&M and see i they have any new cute clothes.
Go to Svensk store
Go to apple orchard
Get my hair cut
Dye my hair
Decide what color I want to dye it
Go to the camping store
Visit my high school earth science teacher
And the dreaded: By a scale for school.

It's a small list for a long week but...I'm ok with that.

Sweet Home Illinois.

I'M FINALLY HOME!!!

Going home is such a bitter sweet thing for me.
1.) No more temptations of going out. After this term of partying I just feel like a break is well needed.
2.) I get to get new things...clothes in the form of jammies, sweatpants, and undies.
3.) I get to shop for christmas ideas.
4.) I have to see Dave again.
5.) I have to talk to Dave again.
6.) I am reminded of how insignificant I feel now in my hometown
7.) I encounter a scale.

I went on SL tonight when I got back from dinner and remembered that I used to keep lots of notes and old pictures kind of like an SL diary. Well I found this...

did you forget how it felt?did you forget what i ket telling you? did you forget the tears you've cried over this before?DID YOU FUCKING FORGET YOU HAD ANY GOAL AT ALL?OBVIOUSLY YOU DID YOU FUCKING FAT ASS!I HOPE YOUR FUCKING HAPPY, I HOPE YOUR PLEASED WITH YOURSELF YOU LIAR. YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER DO IT AGAIN, YOU FUCKING LIAR! WHT GOOD ARE YOU?YOU FAKE. FUCKING FATASS FAKER! YOU THINK YOU CAN GO ON 300 CALORIES A DAY AND THEN PIG OUT WHEN YOU HAVE A GOOD EXCUSE?NO, NO NO NO NO NO!FUCKING SLAM YOUR HEAD INTO A WALL. EAT YOUR FUCKING PIG SELF TO DEATH YOU DAMN RETARD. JUST GO AND EAT, YOU OBVIOUSLY CANT CONTAIN YOURSELF ANYMORE.NO FUCKING CONTROL, NO FUCKING CONTROL AT ALL. YOU LIKED IT! YOU LIKED FEELING EMPTY AND HUNGRY AND SICK. YOU LIKED GETTING LIGHT HEADED AND SHORT OF BREATH. BUT NO, YOU ATE BECAUSE IT WAS THANKSGIVING AND YOU HAD NO WAY TO GET OUT OF IT. BUT THAT WASN'T IT. SINCE YOU SCREWED UP ONCE YOU JUST HAD TO FUCKING GO SCREW UP AGAIN AND EAT LIKE A FUCKING PIG. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. IF I COULD I'D MAKE YOUFAST FOR WEEKS BUT LUCKY FO R YOU, YOU HAVE DANCE. ANOTHER FUCKING EXCUSE FOR YOU TO DOWN AN APPLE, SOMETHING THAT CONTAINS COUNTLESS AMOUNTS O CALORIES SO YOU WONT PASS OUT AND GET TIRED. YOU DESERVE TO PASS OUT. YOU DESERVE TO BE TIRED. YOU DESERVE TO FUCKING DIE. YOUR NOWHERE WHERE YOU NEED TO BE. I KNOW YOUR NOT SATISFIED WITH 110. THATS FUCKING PATHETIC. YOU'VE HAD HOW LONG TO GET DOWN TO 100 AND YOU DIDN'T! YOU FUCKING FAKE! YOU HAVE NO CONTROL AT ALL! DONT YOU DARE CRY THIS TIME YOUR HAVE NO REASON YOU STUBBORN IDIOT! GO FUCKING EAT SOME MORE AND FEEL "FULL" GO BINGE AGAIN UNTIL YOU LOOK FUCKING PREGNANT AND DONT COME WHINING BACK BECAUSE YOU DID IT. YOU FUCKED IT UP. FUCKING FUCKED IT ALL UP! JUST STOP EATING JUST STOP! STOP SCREWING UP MY FUCKING PLAN. YOU HAVE NO CONTROL. YOU'LL NEVER BE HAPPY. GO FIND THOSE FUCKING LAXATIVES TO GET ALL THE CRAP OUT THAT YOU ATE. WHO CARES WHAT ANNIE SAYS. WHO CARES IF YOUR GONNA GET ADDICTED.WHO CARES IF YOU COULND DIE! MAYBE YOU'LL FINALLY GET TO 100. MAYBE YOU CAN GET TO 90. GOD, GO DRINK A BOTTLE OF ICEPAC. YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF LARD. YOU FUCKING FAT PIG.

That's from '05, when I was about to reach my lowest. Sometimes I begin to think that these little notes prove the exsistence of more than one person in a human's head. It's like switching a light on and off. Now when I write things like this it's like someone else takes over. Someone else grabs my mind and these thoughts come rushing in-then that pesron uses my hands to write them all down so I cant let them go away. And while this goes on I...ME...sits back and watches helplessly. Like I'm really being yelled at by someone. I kick myself a lot for not listening to my friend Annie who told me right away that I needed to get help. Because she knew it only gets worse. Not that I knew it would but I don't think I realized how much.

I need new pajamas. Nice soft ones. I need one pair of skinny jeans. Some sweatpants. Hair dye....still need to figure out what color. I don't know if I want to go black...I just feel like I look mexican when I have black hair.

Wednesday Clean-up

Today is my last full day here at school till next term. I'm going to...
Stay in my PJ's all day
Clean my room
Take out the trash finally
Put everything that needs to go home and stay home all together
Get my final art project from the art building
STUDY MY ASS OFF TO ACE MY GEOLOGY FINAL!

Sooo facebook is covered in Probama Nobama status updates and I'm really getting sick of all the republicans saying our world is going to shit. But my friend Annie who goes to college about 45 minutes away from me wrote an article for her school paper. She's a creative writing major...

Obama win sparks Knox march, history
by Annie Zak

On the evening of November 4th, 2008, 75% of Knox College students were rioting in the streets of Galesburg. It all began when, earlier, around 10:30p.m., on the Knox College campus, a small crowd of students sat in the lobby of Post Residence Hall and watched the television as Barack Obama won Ohio and came closer to winning the election for president.
“Let’s take this to the streets!” Knox Junior Joey Firman said to sophomores Sam Conrad, Noel Sherrard, and myself. After exiting the lobby of Post after Obama’s first and historical speech, the four students headed north on West Street on the college campus and motioned to the rest of the crowd from Post to follow. There was soon a mass of fifty to sixty students marching on West Street, yelling to the buildings they passed “Come outside, get into the streets! O-BA-MA!” As the crowd marched, it turned through the courtyard of campus apartments, near Jazz House and Steak House as well as Tompkins, growing in size as it then headed north on Academy Street. Though the group was confronted by a police officer at one point early in the march, students simply screamed louder and kept marching after he said to “just try to keep it down, guys, and we can’t have you in the streets.” Continuously, the students shouted “Yes we can!” through the streets of Galesburg. The group at the front of the march then decided to steer everyone back toward the quads of Knox College to get more if not all students involved.
Once arriving at the quads, the marchers screamed at people to join them, stood on tables and waved American flags, dancing down the sidewalks. In the next ten minutes, nearly the entire population of the quad residents were on the lawn between there residence halls, cheering so loud it was hard to understand where we were going next.
A group of ten to twenty students slowly began to trickle out of the mass of quad students and toward the south lawn of Old Main, waving their arms until they ached for others to follow and move closer to Main Street. Once on the steps of Old Main, where history has taken place before, history was made once again as hundreds of hundreds of Knox students self-organized in joy of the win of America’s first African-American president. “I feel like I’m going to get smashed against the front door!” said one student as she watched the mass of people run toward Old Main’s steps, as many of them trying to make it onto the steps as possible and defy the capacity of the lawn.
After being on the steps of Old Main for ten minutes, Sam Conrad and I conferred with juniors Rita Lanham, Ariel Krietzman, and Michelle Geyer to once again move the group toward Main Street. With no hesitation for the possibility of cops, we formed a train of linked hands to guide us out of the mass of screaming students and toward Cherry Street. The mob soon followed, now surely the majority of Knox’s student population with even some adults and professors spotted within it. Heading north on Cherry Street, the students were wary but unflinching at the sound of the sirens from two cop cars, but this time, neither police officer got out of his vehicle. The crowd continued to march.
Turning left on Main Street and finally climaxing at the Public Square roundabout, the group stood up on the empty fountain and cheered still more, yelling “Whose change? OUR change! Whose victory? OUR victory!” People continuously screamed until hoarse, “This is the power of the people!” and “Happy history, everyone!” became a common phrase throughout the night.
Earlier in the night, many students were expressing their fears and doubts about the elections. Sophomore Sam Conrad said, “I was optimistic, and then today came and I kept thinking, ‘how could [Obama] win?’ But it’s happening. It’s so crazy. We’re living history.”
After the march, students slowly dispersed from the Public Square and headed back to campus, where Knox’s funk band was playing an impromptu and highly-attended concert outside of Knox’s Center for Fine Arts. Drawing almost as large a crowd as the march itself, students danced and protested that classes should be cancelled for Wednesday, in lieu of history being witnessed Tuesday night.

I think it's so cool to see her writing things like this.

2 Post Too Many...

I couldn't help but briefly reflect on what I have just witnessed on TV.

Whether you're democratic or not...Obama just won...

And today will go in a history book. I have just seen one of those moments in history.

Maybe if the republicans are right I'll see a great depression too.

Can I just point out how much it would SUCK for me...as a college student...at a private college...if that happens?!

Odd Number

I VOTED TODAY.

I am officially a good citizen.

Drinking My Life Away

So my absence of finals this last week of school is driving me to alcoholism.
Since I had nothing else to do last night I decided to go drink with a few of my friends. It was just the four of us trying to finish the last bit of vodka from a handle of Skol (gag) and they of course also engaged in other activities requiring lungs and dried plants.

I was having quite a bit of fun until my friends got tired. Of course I wasn't and insisted that one of them stay up just a little longer. He managed to get me out of his room by reminding me that it's almost 3 am. Which according to The Exorcism of Emily Rose, is the witching hour. Prime demon possessing time. A lot of people think that's stupid but I like to agree that it is and avoid it anyways just in case. So I went back to my room and got my laptop and took it to our lounge. Where I proceeded to type that last post up.

I was going to take it down, because I always feel "diary" entries like that to be really annoying. When I was little I would always try keeping a diary and found it silly so I would rip out all the pages and throw them away. Even looking back on my blogger makes me think "God, I'm so whinny" "All I do is complain".

But I decided to keep that one up. Because I do feel like that sometimes. It's hard to explain-and I think my drunken self explained it the best. I am quite impressed at my spelling. With the exception of "breath".

What am I up to today? I'm going to go vote at 11 am!!! Obama of course. And then at 2 pm I have a review session for my final on thursday. My only final. Then we'll probably come back to the dorm or something. I really want to watch LOTR and fall asleep at various parts.

SEE that's why I can't wait to go home. I AM DOING NOTHING HERE! I study for my final like 3-4 hours but I know it really well already and I just can't study ALL day!

Well I must go vote now. OBAMA FO YO MAMA!

125.

I am in the lounge of my dormitory right now.
Spell check has never been so useful.
I have just had a conversation with the evil person inside me.
I've never told you about her before...I don't like her.
She scares me.
She's not like me.
She yells at me when I look into the mirror.
Her eyes look past my cheerful gaze.
She makes me feel like I am nothing.
That I have not done anything.
That I am worthless.
That I do not deserve the things that I have.
The friends that I have.
The college that I have.
The image that I see.
Some days I feel like I'm thinner.
Until her eyes take over
And suddenly I see what is really there.
The same body that I started out with.
Nothing that I have done has changed it.
If anything I have made it worse.
I am a fat amorphous blob.
And she tells me that over and over.
The fuzzy feeling coursing through my veins brings her reach into my hands.
She talks through me.
She wanted to write this blog.
She wanted me to remember what it's like when she's here.
Someone else.
Someone that can't stand what i've become.
Someone that looks back on the pictures and cries about what I have let behind.
It is 2:45 and I want to go to bed.
Before the Witching hour.
You don't think it's real but I think it is.
Too many scray movies.
I am so fuzzy and tired.
But that is why I don't want to go to bed.
I don't want to.
I wish i could say the same for eating.
Why must I be so weak.
Why must I be so stupid.
Why must I be subjected to this.
Why can't I see myself the way others see me.
Why can't I say "I look pretty today"
Why can't I invest my time into a relationship instead of one with this person inside of me.
Because you are not worth it.
You.
Don't.
Deserve.
Anything.

You don't deserve to feel, to breath, to think, to wonder, to hope...never.













Let me go.

And Every Time I try...

I have an awful habit of beginning to write a post...getting sidetracked during it...and eventually just abandoning it all together. I can't decide if I'm too lazy or if my life just isn't that exiting to be updating people. I believe the last failed attempts consisted of me explaining my homecoming week, missing home, missing my friends, missing having someone that I can always go to.

My sophmore year of college has really opened my eyes to the friends I have and the friends I have made. I realized that 1/2 of the friends I have back home don't care about how I'm feeling, what choices I make or where I'm headed in life. And for awhile that made me sad because I called them my bestfriends. It took me 2 years to figure that out. It happened when my friend blew her pot smoke into my face. A joke to her-but a slap in the face to me.

I've got my friends at school here now. And I'm beginning to feel like one of those people that have so many friends but not really a best friend. I used to think that Adam was my best friend here at school, but this year it feels like I'm just the back-up plan if one of his plans fall through.

And now to top it off Halloween is over. If I would have continued my posting I probably would have thrown in there that the end of october marks the end of me just coasting through this "losing weight" process. It's not enough to just eat dinner everyday. I can't go to La Rancherita every sunday. THose ephedra pills are going to comeout of the drawer again. I think I'll buy a scale when I go home. I'm at least 100 food points over, 20 more than last year. So in a way I know I'm eating less than last year. It feels good to beat that number. Maybe next term I'll have even more.

I'm going home on THURSDAY!!!! I'm so excited. I'll get to see my puppy who has more than tripled in her size. I'll get to see my kitten and ferret. I'll get my hair cut and dyed darker. What else...maybe go on SL. Maybe go to my old high school and see my old earth science teacher. Tell him how much I love my school. I'll need to get new winter shoes. Some more winter shirts would be nice. Maybe another pair of jeans. I really want a nice pair of skinny jeans.

This next week is finals week. I only have 1 final! And it's on thursday, which kind of stinks because I'll be here so long. But it's also nice because I know I can just focus really well on it and do AWESOME.

I am once again being sidetracked so i think i'll publish this before i completely delete it...

Get Pumped Up

Alright so I went out last night because I wasn't going to be here saturday and I don't want to go on friday. It got me SOOOOO pumped for knox!

We were supposed to have flippy cup with this frat but only of us could go because everyone else had midterm stuff. But regardless, me and Kayla made our way to Jeremy's house to get started and play some flippy there.

We dominated.

The first round of survivor flippy Kayla took 3 people out all by herself at the end. Then The second round I did the same! And we both beat our friend Jer who is just like the best at every game. Of course they didn't let us have to much satisfaction and pointed out that flippy is a girls game.

SO after that we went to the frat we were supposed to have flippy at. I basically just kind of hung out and chatted- with some brief moments of silly dancing. Then me and Kayla both wanted to go see these guys we know at this other frat that is like 10 mins. away from the one we were at. BUT on the way out one of our friends asked us a favor...

To take her to the bathrooms outside.

SO we do and we're just about to go our seperate ways when the Rock Island police comes up the alley. We put everything we had in the middle, but he stopped. I put my cup down in back of me, and Kayla threw hers-which hit the cement. The cop heard it and was like-Who threw that?! ANd of course we played dumb. So then he asked our names and birth and took our school IDs. He told us that he could care less about the drinking, but it's the throw cups that get annoying because the neighbors have to deal with it. So he gave us a choice. Fess up to littering and that person gets a $75 littering ticket OR we all get $150 drinking tickets. Thankfully Kayla said she did it, so she got the ticket and me and our other friend are going to give her $25 each.

But we didn't let that stop us! We went to the other frat. Hardly anyone was there-no one was really dancing but we managed to get a little dance party going anyway. We were there for a long time and Kayla started hooking up with this guy that dosn't even go here. So I sent her a text at like 2 am telling her "kayla christine snoozy...i am soooo ready to leave". She came out of wherever she had wandered to. Then we walked back and went to bed.

I woke up this morning feeling FABULOUS!!!! Wednesdays are fun to go out on because they break up the week. So it feels like the weekend but i've got just one more day to make it through!! Today I have to go TA for a geo lab then do lots of homework so i don't have to do any this weekend.

And for saturday...I'm so excited for Tina to come pick me up and we can go to La Ranch! FYI-they only take cash there. Then you HAVE to meet Kayla because I think you both would approve. And then we can go go go to knooooooooooooox! YAY!

Baligerent Babbling

Alright. So last night was probably the best night I've had at college so far. Not because there was something special but because nothing bad happened.

I didn't drop my cell phone AND camera in a puddle again.
It wasn't pouring rain and causing the streets to turn into mini-rivers.
I wasn't overly drunk to the point of hanging off my poor roomates shoulders.
I didn't loose more that $5, since I didn't have to bribe anyone with it.

But I'll give you some highlights:
I got free cups!!! I mean I guess I've never tried to before, but I did last night! I just started talking with the bartenders because-well I know them decently. I just got so excited because I got 4 cups total. One red and One blue for me. One red and one blue for adam. Stupid frats kept switching colors so we would just finish off a beer and switch to the other color.
I finally told Adam how awful I felt about the end of last year and how awful I feel this year.

He told me that he understood about the whole busy thing but he dosn't know still why I was so bitchy to him during the day.
And then something came up about how I want to smoke pot but I really can't. Then he was like-well why not? And I said truthfully that I think I would go onto worse drugs after that. And he was like ooohhh well we(my friends that smoke) would never let you do something like that. But what I kept saying was that I've got other friends. Other friends that will try anything once regardless. And I know the second I get offered meth is my death sentence. I know I'd do it. Just for the weightloss. And then I'd be addicted in no time. And then I'd die.
Soo somehow that led into my eating and I asked him if I looked any different than I did at the end of last year. He said no. He dosn't notice the outward appearance of people. And it made me so mad.

Mad because I don't look any different to him. A summer of eating only fruit and some veggies. My first 4 weeks of college only eating scraps of things at dinner and not a real meal till the weekend, which I usually throw up 1/3 of. I feel like I look better than I did before. I mean I can see bones again that got swallowed away when I tried to be healthy. It just screws with every aspect of my life.It's not just-I'm fat I need to not eat. It's I'm fat I can't eat...I don't deserve to eat that...I dont deserve the satisfaction of a nice complement...those complements are lies to make you feel better...He dosn't think you're pretty...No one thinks you're pretty.........

And it just goes on. Always. Obviously. It's the only thing I ever seem to write about regularly.

I'll move on now.

Tonight we have a party with these groups on campus. They aren't sororities and frats...just something sort of like them. haha that makes no sence. But me and my roomie(who is AWESOME) are going to pregame in our friends room then go and DANCE DANCE DANCE! There was no dancing last night. Sigh. But tonight! Vee shall DANCE! And Adam is coming too, so that will be fun because besides last night we had yet to really party together. Then maybe we'll start bouncing around to all the different houses. Ahhh I'm just so excited. And I have like noooo homework this weekend!

Which reminds me. I LOVE SWEDISH! I'm having so much fun taking it! I wish you could hear me. It's so silly. MYCKET BRA!

And finally seeing it...

Yup, I finally saw it.

I never really wanted to see Sex and the City the movie. I tried watching the season before but didn't really get hooked in. Or perhaps I was just too young to understand it all. But last night a few of my friends convinced me to give it a chance last night. And I'm glad I did.

I thought it was a bit slow in parts or just a little too much in some. All the crazy couture outfits, though fun to look at, never would you see someone wearing that ANYWHERE in the USA. But that's the fun of TV right? Sometimes I questioned how good the actors were-until the really depressing parts came or the parts that were just full of emotions. They did such a good job. Like when Carrie is running to the limo after hitting Big, her friends come to hug her and that one girl looks at Big and just screams "No...NO!" to him! Ugh just the look on her face and everything was perfect. So I really did enjoy it. I'm not sure if I would go see it in the theater 50 million times but I'm considering buying the DVD. It made me pretty sad after the movie-despite the happy ending. So that's the only con to buying it.

Tonight I've got my dance club and I'll be working on this michael jackson dance, haha. It's really funny. All of my dances are just totally different from each other. Like one of them is this indian dance-not belly dancing-but just those flowy arm/hand movements and occassional hip rolling. Then I've got my silly michael dance, and then I've got this awesome hiphop dance that makes me feel pretty BA. I have to learn the opening dance too-I'm not sure what that's going to be yet.

Well there's other stuff I could talk about but my short attention span is tearing me elsewear.

Hej Hej!

It's been almost a month since I last posted and once again I feel terribly awful for not updating this enough. My friends from home use this as a way to see what the hell I'm doing at school. Also I've got friends abroad that I never talk to or "see" since I'm at college most of the year and my laptop dosn't run SL. I hate feeling like I'm slowly letting friends go, especially friends that have helped me through different tough points in my life. But I guess now that I'm back at school it's going to be even harder to repair what I've already done. The least I can do for now is just write about what I'm doing.

First of all my class schedule. You're all going to laugh because it's probably the easiest thing ever. I'm glad though because it'll give me time to work on my geology class so i understand everything REALLY well.
I only have class on monday wednesday friday.
durning those days I go to...
8:30-10:20 Drawing class
11:30-12:45 Structural Geology
1:00-2:15 SWEDISH!
* and I don't have my drawing class on fridays, so just another day to sleep in.

And yes, I'm taking swedish! All that talk about what language I want to take, mainly german, and I end up with Swedish. I'm so glad I did it too because I've got this natural ability to sort of sound good saying it. Maybe because some of my ancestors came from there. I guess our name was Olson at first and then when we immigrated they changed it to Lindoo so it was more "American", which is funny because I don't think I'd ever consider Lindoo an American last name. But anyways I LOVE it and I'm thinking about minring in it. We'll see I guess! Mycket bra!

I'm also in a dance club this year. I was thinking about trying out for the company but I really wanted to do something more laid back. And this club, UNYK, has a bunch of girls from my sorority in it. Awesomeeee.

This year I'll be doing loads of stuff during homecoming now that I'm in a sorority. We perform in this singing contest where we basically perform a musical. Then there is a rope-pull and "Yell". Yell is a stomp contest-you know one of those dances where you just stomp and yell and do clappy things. It's just going to be a lot of fun and I can't wait to be a part of it this year!

Ok, well I've got some things to do before I go off to lunch with my old TA from my first geology trip! So I guess I'll have to continue this post for another day.

Almost There

*EDIT* Puppy is here! She's sooo cute. Laura named her Carli and I hate that name.

I cannot believe this summer is almost over.
Overall this summer was fairly decent. Normally I'm super depressed because it's so friggin hot over here. But luckily global warming has been toying with the climate and gave us a cool summer. That means pants for me. AND the new windows we got put in our house seem to make the house a refrigerator. It always seems the air conditioning is on in here. I love it.

Other than working I've hung out with my friends a few times. Last week I went on a bit of a shopping spree for back-to-school clothes. I've never found so much stuff! Of course one of my stops was to victoria's secret to pick up their 5 for 25 underwear. Ugh I looooove and then I found some pj pants there that are my school colors! I got myself 2 pairs of jeans from a boutique downtown. I was dreading it at first but then when I tried on the jeans they just made my lower half look better! AND I got a size 27, which I'm not sure what actual size that is. I know a 24 is a 0 and I think I could have snugged into a 26 since the 27 still is a little baggy. So I think that would make me like a 2 right? Or at least in those jeans? It made me feel so good. Like I've made some progress this summer.

I have now lost a solid 10 lbs. which if you think about it is quite healthy because it was over about a 3 month span, probably 5 within the last month. I'm just teetering now. I think after my brother's birthday party this saturday I'll be able to get some focus, start taking those pills again and get ready for school. Then at school I want to join the dance club. I also want to take yoga-as long as the crazy instructor isn't teachig it.

Some things I'd like to work on at school:
1.) Stop buying so many little things at target. It racked up my debt to laura. I'd like to not have that happen again.
2.) Exercise at least 3 times a week in the gym. Which will basically mean run at least a mile 3 days a week. Then yoga once a week. Dance club...i dunno how many times they meet. AND do Dr.Wolf's massive stair work out twice a week. Once on monday, once on friday. it's this awful workout we'll need to do 3 times a week come winter to get ready to go to the grand canyon. It takes about a day to hike down into the thing and a day to get back out. I'm going to need all the leg muscles I can get.
3.) Hang out with my original friends a bit more. Sure I've got my sorority now, but it's my first friends that got me through pledging in the first place. I need to tell Adam that I'm sorry that I was such a bitch at the end of the year. It was mostly from me freaking out about how much weight I had gained and it being summer-the time of shorts and mid-rifts. I really pushed him away and I've felt awful ever since. I'm not sure how to tell him though. I mean there really isn't an excuse to treat someone like that, especially since he's done so much for me. I don't think I ever realized how much this whole eating problem could hurt friendships until now.

I'm watching How Clean is You House right now. ON BBCA! I love BBCA and I found this other guy that likes it too. Too bad he's 2 years younger than me! Sad face. I've been watching the Olympics a lot too. I'm an Olympic junkie. There's something about watching real-live super heros that I just love. Ugh 4x100 swimming relay anyone?! Oh emgeeeee! And gymnastics!!! All arounds are tonight! SO excited!

Universal Truths

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2003/t_universal_truths-p1.php

They really are.

2days!

Puppy is almost here!
Laura was throwing out names at me haha, and I know it's not MY dog, but I don't want her to name it something retarded. Like Maggie. I'm sorry if you like that name or if someone in your family is named that name but I think it's one of the most boring names EVER. I don't like Mary either...or my own name in fact...or Ashley...really any name you hear all the time.

I guess I like the weird unusual names, which makes me already feel sorry for the child I'm dreading to have some day(assuming I'll like children more in the future. I'm not going to have a child just because.) Anyways, that kid is going to be named something cool/not everyday like Sydney, Annica(ahh-nick-uh), Hallie(HAHA no way?!), or something like that.

My brother gets his wisdom teeth out tomorrow. I hope it's not nearly as bad as mine were. Not that I don't want him to feel awful but hear my mom catering to all his needs and he acts like a pathetic little animal the whole time. Jealously? No, I hate it when Laura does that to me. I don't know why that annoys me so much. I think I just hate it when people expect people to have pity on them. "I'm SICK! Help me!" "I don't have any money because I spend it all on clothes and drugs but I don't have enough for food! Help?"UGH. Watch, that will be me one day.

I really like this music artist called Mira. She reminds me of Joanna Newsom and The Blow combined.

Insane

I had the craziest weekend ever. Replaced alcohol for food. Literally. Proof can be seen on facebook.
As far as that 2 week fast, HAHA. I was reading up on it and it just terrifies me. Like I want to do it, but I'm afraid that when I stop I'm just going to become a bloated monster. And then I don't want to gain any of that weight back which is bound to happen. I've never been a big faster before-so it's not like I NEED to result to that to lose weight. So far this summer I've lost at least 10 pounds but a little was water weight. So I guess I shouldn't be completely devasted. And the day I came back I wasn't eating and I felt more and more scared to eat since I hadn't been eating. Imagine after two weeks of that. There's no way I'd want to be eating again. I know what I'm doing sucks for my body but I know it's better to pack myself with fruits and veggies all day instead of just go straight to nothing.

PUPPY IS COMING SATURDAY! Soooo excited! Bad news is I have to babysit my vicodin filled brother that day. He's getting his wisdom teeth pulled out and if it was anything like my own-I'll be his person slave for the day.

Ideas

Going out-of-town this weekend. When I get back...
2 week fast.
I have to do it.

SOOOOOOOO much!

Soo much going on here!

1.) For the Brits- I found this while using Stumbleupon(the best tool for distracting me during the day. http://solo2.abac.com/themole/tuberules.html

2.) Laura is getting a puppy! It's called a Bernese Mountain dog. I guess they get really big. I've seen a few in the pet store. The one she is adopting is named Heidi. She's not sure if she wants to keep the name or not. It is a pretty cute name but I like the really unusual names. Screw boring human names. Don't ask me what I would name it because I don't know yet. Amazing names require countless hours of thinking which I don't feel like right now. But Heidi is a boring name. Ok well not that boring-but it could be better? Well now I'm warming up to it just thinking about it.. No more thinking! Just look!

3.) I'm going out of town this weekend to visit my sorority friends from school. I'm excited to see everyone but not so much for that icky feeling after you've been drinking all night :/

4.) Well maybe I didn't have that much to write about...but c'mon puppy!?

OH I REMEMBER!
So remember how I went on a cruise last summer for "my graduation" ahem...you mean dad and becky's engagement cruise. Yeah so I was watching this cruise thing on tv and fell in love with the ships and the sights again. I emailed my dad saying I wanted to go on another and guess what-HE DOES TOO! The past few days I've been helping him decide the destination a bit...or just cementing another cruise into the wallet. I've sent him pictures, cruise quotes, and different agencies of trips to ALASKA! GLACIER BAY! MOUNTAINS! Oh my gooooooooooooood. SO beautiful. I just want to go so bad. I could go kayaking up to a glacier and be pulled by musher dogs. Ugh just sooooo much AND the temperature is about 60 degrees there! It's basically my dream vacation other than going to London. Well...it's in the top 5 or 6 dream vacations for me.

Chaotic Mind

I can't sleep for the second night in a row.
Why?
Well last night I must have swallowed loads of air while purging up my dinner(which was these cheese cracker sticks. I can't believe I didn't end up choking). That air created a huge balloon in my tummy causing me to burp like crazy, but not just any old harmless burping. It came up in bubble followed by water/stomach bile I don't know. And it just wouldn't stop. Possibly the worst feeling ever. Not only was I constantly throwing up more than I wanted to, but not able to lay down without getting up a minute later, or at least feeling emptied like I've cleared everything out.

to top it off I went to bed on our downstairs couch. Which left me waking up 3 hours later with a big bloated tummy at 6am listening to my brother bicker with my mom while he was running off to work. I rustled around trying to put Alice in Wonderland on for the 50th time. I don't know about you but Disney movies always cure me when I'm down-sickness or mentally. Alice in Wonderland has been my flick of choice. Anyways. Another 4 hours later I woke up feeling full still and just gross. Mom insisted that we go shopping for futons today. And after I woke my crabby self up a bit more she had enlisted the help of "Aunt Cindy" who is basically her gay lover only not. You know-a best friend who you can just be ridiculously close with...aka acting like lesbian mothers of mine helping me find the perfect futon for my dorm room while also falling onto mattresses together pretending to bump muffs. Embarrassing.

We went to this one place for lunch and I had this salad. I didn't plan on throwing it up but it just kept sitting at the top of my throat like my stomach just didn't want it. We went to the grocery store where I got some ice cream-great idea I know. I ate some of that when we got back and actually purged that on purpose. OH MY GOD. The best thing that I've ever eaten and thrown up. I know that sounds awful but you wouldn't believe how awful and really scary it is to get up breads. And fruit? Let me just say-you might as well gargle hydrochloric acid.

And again. I'm left feeling like a total blimp. Which is why I'm really trying to stop this great idea of mine. The throwing up part I mean. This past week it has just been-ridiculous. It started off just once a day MAYBE. Now it's everyday multiple times a day. I can't imagine the damage it's going to do to my teeth, throat, and plumbing. AND it's not even helping in my weightloss plan. It just sucks. Absolutely SUCKS. SO hopefully the next few days I'll be able to keep myself under control not to have anything that would prompt me throwing it up. The hard part is that it's not like I have to stick my fingers halfway down my throat to get it up. I'm one of the "lucky" ones who can just bend over and contract my muscles a bit and it's all downhill from there. My mind just knows its an easy way to get it out.

So why can't I sleep tonight? I stared at photos from when I was near my lowest. All the bones sticking out. I was a complete skeleton. I didn't see it then but now that I'm bigger. I feel like I'll never get there again. Like I'm nothing anymore. Like I'm not worth anything. I shouldn't be having fun or about to go buy clothes for school. I don't deserve it. You know when your about to cry your face just hurts? Well thats how I feel right now. I'm not letting myself really cry because I feel like I;m a failure. A complete worthless failure who just needs to lock herself in a room and not eat anything but some blueberries. I just want to take my knife to my arm again and run the blade across it. But it's fucking summer. AND I have to be to work at 6 am. I just hate me.

I hate me.

And I think I'm ready for bed now.

BBC

I've been watching BBC loads lately. I love this one show called Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares. I forgot his first name but he's this chef who is a complete ass and he goes to restraunts that are going under and fixes them up. It's sooo good. And now I'm watching this one documentary called I'm a Boy Anorexic. They're all like little kids too. Which I think is pretty scary-but then I remember that I was the same way. Thinking that I wanted to loose weight in 7th/8th grade. I had to be around 13 or 14 then.

Today I woke up at like 8 am. I took Oliver to the vet and came back home. Then I went in the pool for like an hour. It was soooooooooooooo much fun! I havn't been swimming in forever. It was just nice to be in the pool by myself and relaxing. I even got a little tan. But I don't have that glowy tan like everyone else gets. My skin just looks ashen and gross. I think I need more vitamin C or something.

On to the bad part...So I got Oliver from the vet-everything was fine-came home and watched some TV. I went to do my usual email check and saw I had a message from the girl I'm staying with during the Bix weekend. Taylor is staying there too. Old roommate Taylor. I don't know if I can stay there?! Well i can but I hate being around her. There's like 2 other girls there that like LOVE her and don't realize the kind of person she really is. I dont want to be around that negativity while I'm out there, but I dont want to bail on the girl I asked to stay with because she's awesome. Maybe I'll get lucky and pass out at another persons house haha. Still.It sucks. I just want to forget about it.

So I'm scarred about Taylor being there because of my bad impression from being roommates freshman year...and because she was bulimic. It's like I've decided in my head that we're competing. I think she's so much skinnier than me. She has like twig legs that I never even had at my lowest. I'm embarrassed that she'll be seeing me. I dont feel like I've lost enough...lost anything to notice. AND

Drinking. Drinking=loads of empty calories. Which I'm terrified of. I almost don't want to go to the festival any more. You know after you drink your face-everything gets all puffy and gross. I dont want to happen. I dont want to ruin any impact that I've already made on myself. I'm so scared. Really I am. Ive got this horrible feeling that I'm going to go there and people are going to look at me like I'm fat and see me drinking and watch me get fatter.

Flash Back

So I was looking at pictures today. Ones from when I was almost at my lowest. Well it was after my lowest by about 2 weeks. And then I found pictures of me last summer. I couldn't believe it. I compared everything I hate about my body now to the pictures. Thinking that it all magically appeared at the end of the school year, I had to think about it again. My arms look the same-my face is almost the same-my collarbone area. Thinking more about it-I probably only gained about 5-10 pounds at school. I've lost about 7 since coming back home. Not nearly enough. But I'm trying to stay positive. Trying to remember that this didn't happen over night. It didn't happen in a month. It took me months. Months to get to the point where my body was really eating at itself. Almost losing a half a pound each day or so.

Tomorrow I'm going to do something I havn't done for a while and not yet this summer. Swim in my pool. We have a huge swimming pool at my house, but of course no one has caught me in it. And they wont-because I'm going to go in during the day when my mom is at work and my brother is too busy to care. I'm excited. To feel the chlorine and weightlessness. To sort of get some exercise. To swim and not worry about people looking at me. Judging me.

I dont work tomorrow BUT I have to take my kitty to the vet. My very overweight kitty-haha. I'm going to buy him a toy. A kitty scratcher.

I need to clean my room tomorrow too-and my ferrets cage.

I want to buy more avocados. I made this really good mixture that I like to eat for lunch or dinner. It's 1/4 cup of black beans-cold. half an avocado and 1/4 a can of tuna. sooooooooo good!!

I'm also going to watch Alice in Wonderland tomorrow.

It's going to be a good day

4 Times

4 times I've purged today.

And the fourth time I found myself staring into the white porcelain abyss wondering if my eyes would pop out, my head explode, or just my entire stomach to come shooting up my esophagus along with my noodles and avocado. I hate it. But I'm terrified to not do it.

My dad sent my brother and I a package from his honeymoon. It had a bottle of maple syrup, dried cherries, salt water taffy, 6 types of fudge, 2 bags of chocolate covered peanuts and...a package of Michigan rocks and minerals. He also sent me the link to the wedding pictures, which I'm included in. I was going to post a link but I'm not happy about how I look so I'm not going to.

Feel

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Still so tired.
I need to go to he grocery store today.
I need to take a shower.
But I'm so tired.
I want to cook dinner for my family tonight.
But I'm so tired.
I don't know what to make.
I can't cook meat.
Maybe another night.
I want to buy my mom flowers.
Which means I have to go to the store.
Which means I'll have to take a shower.
Which means I'll have to stop laying down.
Which is practically impossible.

Rootbeer.

HAHA I just remembered when I was in the badlands-we were getting really slap happy from the sun draining
our enery. So I wanted to make a Haiku but couldn't remember how they are structured.So I yelled down to one of my friends...
"What's the structure of a haiku?!" and she yelled up blah-blah-blah(well actual numbers that I don't remember)
And then all the sudden about 5 more yells came out from the depressions. It was such a cool-weird feeling.

Your Cure

So i think I might have gotten the cure for my shitty feelings.

I've been having a lot of headaches lately which I assumed was just dehydration even though I drink lots of water. BUT...

Yesterday I went to the eye doctor and told her about my headaches. She took a look and found that I now have an astigmatism in my left eye. AWESOMEEEE. And they got slightly worse prescription wise. I didn't think they were bad but I guess not!

I worked from 6-10 today. It went by kind of slow. But then I went outside and it was just SOO nice out. I hope I can get myself out to ride my bike tonight. Especially since it's supposed to be getting really hot this week. Gay.

Ok I think that's all the awesome news I have for you today.

Buh LUD

Maybe I'm anemic?
I'm so freaking tired and I get headaches.
Maybe I'm just cancerous.
Either way it kind of sucks.
I want to drink coffee right now, but I can feel a headache coming.
I want to go out and have fun-ride my bike, but I'm so tired and I dont even want to get all nice looking. I don't think I would even get myself out to go to Swordfish. Oh that sounds so good.

Ahhh I'm getting my eye check today. At 3:30. I dont want to go because that means getting dressed and putting some make-up on and driving.Annnnddd I need to take a shower. Maybe I'll just wash my hair and shower tonight. I have to work tomorrow! At 6am again!!! Ahhh!

Black Tighty Whiteys and Poor Internet Connection

I am writing to you from Ann Arbor, Michigan. How exciting.

We got here last night and I began watching the movie Sicko by Michael Moore. It got pretty late and I was extremely tired so I saved most of it for this morning. I cannot believe how bad our health care is. It's weird because growing up here it's like you're constantly told how lucky you are to live in America. And I'm sure that is true for lots of countries, but compared to England, France, Canada...CUBA!? They totally beat us. They beat us in more than just health care. Free education? As in college education? I'm in debt already! Lame.

So now after a grocery run and terrible fright from old scabby cashiers in the checkout line, I've come back to watch Love Actually. It's got all my favorite brits in it...well most of the ones I know really. Like Mr.Darcy and ugly sweater man from Bridget Jones. Then there's Professor Snape and Trewlany(however you spell it). Who else...oh, everyones favorite Kiera Knightley. She does have an underbite. At least she dosn't look like she's sucking her cheeks in every minute of the scene. Oh and there's one actress who looks ridiculously like my old history teacher. They even kind of talk the same. I swear they could be sisters.

Tonight us "girls" are all going out for a girls night. Us girls meaning Becky(dad's fiance)'s friends and me. Me the only under 21 year old. They've decided to solve this by tracking me down a fake ID. Wonderful role models I have. How old are they again? Oh yeah-somewhere in their 40's. I'm looking forward to it.

Tomorrow we're going out for a manicure/pedicure. Friday is the fourth and about all of our close family members will be in. We got a ton of fireworks too! Like the big mortars. Can you say legit? Then saturday is the wedding. No crazy partying though because we leave the next day to go home :/

I have to pee. And that it what I'm going to leave you with.

Bind Me into a Tight Lifeless Ball

I'm so tired.
So much working.
But now I'm free!!!
Free for a week.
When I woke up today I felt awful. I was so unbelievably tired. I didn't want to talk. It took so much just to open my mouth. And I had to go to work for 8 hours. I still havn't started my paper and it's due b the end of the day tomorrow. I'll need to work on it during the drive up to michigan.

Bllaaahhhh my throat hurts. You can guess why. I drank some hungarian tea(REAL!) and it helped a bit. My head hurts now. I'm trying to drink loads of water to stay hydrated. Oh I'm so tired :/

One Hundred

This is my 100th post. And I have nothing interesting to say.

I think I might journey back to last fall when I first started this thing. Read some of my old post.

Ahhh almost done with this working spree.

Today I worked from 7-3:30. Or at least I was scheduled to. My manager didn't get there till 8 am. SO I was outside for an hour. No fun. I got a lot of research done though. And it was an easy hour :)

I ended at 3:30 and went home-I forgot what I did after that. But my dad came up around 4:45. We went to Men's Warehouse to get their tuxes. Then we went to DSW and I got new high heels ^_^ I really like them. It will be interesting standing in them in the grass...walking up to the alter in the grass...oh well. They make your legs look good. Then he took us to Houlihans. Came back to the house and I tried working on my paper. My head dosn't feel too good and I'm super tired from closing and opening then closing and opening.

I just need to write it now and once I get started it shouldn't be too bad. I just need to figure out how to start it. And I dont know if I should talke about how each layer of beds was deposited then what they are composed of. OR should I List the different beds, say what they are composed of then say how they would be deposited?

So now I have to write it tomorrow. I brushed and flossed and mouthwashed my teeth to death. I love that clean feeling. However now they just ache which I think is radiating up to my head. I'm drinking some tea and it feels gooooooooood. Annie I don't think I like that new tea. The licorice root in it taste too licorice-y. Do you want it?

I'm watching the Wedding Crashers right now. I love this movie. Speaking of weddings! I'm really excited for my dad's. Wednesday I get to have a manicure and pedicure when the bridesmaids go out. There's 3 of us and then the bride. My feet look nasty. I still have clauses from dance. My nails are awful too. Ahhh I just want monday to be over. I want this paper done. And I want my teeth to stop hurting. Is that too much to ask for?

Through A Wall

My mouth taste like sugar. Really it does! But I havn't had any. Maybe it was from the apple I had? I know fruits are sugary.

My mom just ticks me off sooooo much. I can't wait to be gone a week. This night just sucks.
I came home from working all day and her and dave are watching TV. Well not really watching. They're asleep. So I go on the computer hoping they'll go up to bed after the TV show is done. Nope. They just have to watch the news! Oh wait-fall asleep to the news? It's pointless and it pisses me off. So they finally start going upstairs and she says goodnight to me 50394878 times. Just once! Twice is more than enough! Then she comes downstairs when my brother gets home and yells at him over stupid crap. She then asks me 3862897 questions that she asked me earlier. It's just so FREAKING annoying.

I'm watching The Others right now. About to watch The Silence of the Lambs. I've never seen it before. I shouldn't be watching it. I have to go to bed at 12 because I have to work at 7 am :/

I felt like I was doing so well. SO well not eating much. Today I only had a bowl of Raisin bran and then some baby carrots, an apple, and a few peanuts. I weighed myself. Same as last week...or I think it was last week? I can't get my days straight any more. But still. I did do it at night though apposed to in the morning like I did the other. I'll try tomorrow morning. It's probably because I havn't had time to work out. It just makes me so mad. It makes me feel even worse. But I think this is what it was like at first. It starts out slow. Too slow. Then it will get better.

AHHHH I DONT WANT TO WORK. I have to get my paper done tomorrow. I want to write more but I'm so tired. Work is taking so much out of me and I still have 2 more 8 hour days left.

It's a little person!

I'm watching Willy Wonka- Le hotty Johnny Depp version.

I decided to steal the tarot card reading quiz from Willow...

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

hmmm...

Today I worked from 6am to 2 pm. It was just ugh. I only got 3 hours of sleep-which was all my fault. I had a bowl of cereal before I left-which I always have in the morning. However today I purged it up. Fruity Pebbles. My throat has never hurt so bad. I was even more naseous after because of it. Luckily I made it across the street on my break to get some warm decaf coffee. That helped it a bit.
When I got home I just hung out for awhile until 6:30. I went to see my friend Annie at Starbucks. We talked about how much we missed being at our lowest weights. We talked about the few pictures we have at that point. I can only hope to get there again.

And I've been thinking. I really think that after this restriction I'm going to have to get help for it. I know I can't live like this. I can't spend my whole life hating the way I look. I can't spend every summer in my house just so I won't have to put on shorts. I hope I'll still feel that way when I get lower. If I get lower. It seems like I'll never get there.

In other news!
Tuesday I go up to michigan!!! No post or sl visits for me for about a week. Unless I get over to the coffee shop. Sounds like we'll be really busy though :/
I'm excited for the wedding. I'll see my relatives from out of state.
I should go to bed :/ work at 1 pm till 9:30 pm tomorrow. Then 7am-3:30pm Sunday :/

Ripped Socks

So I was at work and started thinking about some questions. Then I went online and found some more. I'm thinking I might post a new one every blogging. But today I thought I'd throw a few out there.

Why does everybody enjoy it so much when someone else gets into trouble?

In elementary school in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic here? Do tall people burn slower?

If money's the root of all evil why do the churches want it?

And why does my mother annoy me so much?

It's 11 pm and I need to be at work at 6 am tomorrow. 6 fucking am. GAY. DO you know what time the store opens? UH 9 am. DUMB. Whatever.

Running Away from the Pillows

It's nearly 2 am. I should be getting to sleep because I need to work on a geology paper tomorrow.

At the moment I'm really disappointed in myself all because off Willow C's post. I was around 14 when I first joined sl? It's kind of funny, because even with the credit card a must I still got in. They obviously didn't think about kids with naive parents. Seriously. Kids are getting so much smarter at outwitting their parents now. I can see why there's an age restriction on sl. Back in the day it wasn't so bad though. People were different back then. It just seemed like everyone I met had just a genuine feel to themselves. Now when I go to Ahern I feel like I'm looking at shells of materialistic hopefuls that want to kick off their first day in sl with a shopping spree. Ok, maybe they aren't ALL that way.

Moving to SL was a complete shock to me. I had been an active member in TSO. I was part of this huge mafia family and one day it just crumbled. But I found this guy and we started talking. I think he was a few years older than me. Anyways-we were "bf/gf" for awhile and I really got to know his "family". They slowly stopped playing TSO and I was informed about SL. Not wanting to be completely left out again I quickly transfered over.

The name game was easy for me. The first name I thought was "Hallie". I first heard the name in the movie The Parent Trap-with Lindsay Lohan. I don't really know why I like it, but for some reason I think it just goes with me. It dosn't have any cool meaning, which is something I normally look for. It means home ruler/from the hall. Real gay. And Greenstein was just a big mistake. I wanted to be Gardner like the family I came with but a slip of the mouse forever cursed me to be a Greenstein. I was really bitter about it at first, but now I think I'm just used to it.

My first sl av was much like the shifting daemons in the Golden Compass. I was every nursery rhyme character, a mermaid, a fairy, Dorothy, and then finally a child av. I was very against the idea of growing up as a young girl, so I think that's what settled it. Child avs kinda creep me out though. I mean I love being cute and cuddly, but when I see another one I just want to shake them. The baby talk just kills me. Which is why I never did it...or at least hardly did. Now the only child avs I see look like baby prostitutes. Maybe I just don't get out enough.

Recently my avs grown up a bit. I miss having a pixel turning av sometimes, but I'm tired of my av looking ridiculous in anything but kids clothes. I think it also kind of reflects my personality now. I've changed after college for a year. My personality just dosn't fit a child avs body as much as it used to.

Well thats the SL recap.
For the RL recap!

I was doing so well the past few weeks until tonight. We had to go eat dinner with my g-pa. I had a portobello mushroom burger thing. And then Creme Brulee. I came home and snacked on a few more things, which I attempted to throw up. I know I didn't get my full dinner up though. So now I just feel like shit. I just keep thinking tomorrow. No food no food. Going to starbucks for coffee, but no food.

I need to work on a geology paper for school. Which is why I'm going to starbucks. The thing I hate about drinking coffee now is that I'm already getting a shit ton of caffiene from the ephedra pills. Now I'm just getting another dose of it. But I just looooovvveeee coffee! I could get tea. But I want a latte. Thanks a latte!

I also need to bike tomorrow. I have a feeling I wont though. I have very specific conditions for when I bike. The trail has to be practically barren of people. I hate having to call out to people to get out of my way. The temperature has to be fairly cool too. That's all I ask for.

I'm so tired. I should really be getting to bed!

9 Crimes

Damien Rice. 9 Crimes. Download it.

Here's a post from yesterday-
Normally I wait till the vary end of the day to post but I couldn't help it.

Worked from 6-2:30 today. I went to bed around 3 for no reason. It really sucked.

Then after work I went to David's Bridal by Fox Valley Mall. Picked up my dress and god it's awful. It is a nasty A-line.
I could have had this dress in black! It was so pretty. http://www.davidsbridal.com/bridesmaids_detail.jsp?stid=2817&prodgroup=110
But then the other bridesmaid couldn't find it in her size. so now I get this piece of shit.
http://www.davidsbridal.com/bridesmaids_detail.jsp?stid=1674&prodgroup=110
DUMB.

So right now I'm depressed. Well I shouldn't say that. Just sad. Our sattelite is out and I threw in a movie. Well the movie is my grandparent's 40th anniversary tape. It's my mom's mom and dad. My grandma has had alzheimers since I was in middle school. Now she's gotten to the point where she dosn't know any of us. The past two years I havn't gone to see her. I'm too afraid to rememeber my grandma like that. I want to remember sleeping over at her house and her making us waffles and macaroni and cheese. But sometimes I wonder if she would want me to come see her. I wonder if just trying to forget about her is the worst thing I can do. Just seeing all these pictures of her so happy makes me so sad because I know if she could see herself now she would be so unhappy. She was always so afraid to get alzheimers. One time my granny(dad's mom) brought up how my grandma was such a wonderful person and it's such a shame it had to happen to her. And it's true. I don't know why any god would let that happen to someone. To forget all your memories. To forget your family. To forget yourself. It has to be the worse way to die. Sometimes I wish that she would just die. Because I knew it's better than the state she is right now and better than she'll ever be again. I just miss my grandma. It makes me sad that she;s was my mom's best friend. Who she used to call everyday and now she's not there anymore. Ok. I need to stop bawling my eyes out.

End yesterdays entry

I'm working like crazy
I hate how heavy again.
I'm hardly eating anything. I hate how I always think this is a quick fix. At least I havn't been binging at all.
I'm so excited to be off work for 2 days.
I can't wait to go on sl.
I have to pee really badly right now!
I'm going to!

Baking Soda

I just gargled baking soda.

*side note before I start into it all. I slightly hate that I use this blog as a journal for my eating problem. Because it's not just me reading it. I don't want you to think this is all that's in my life. I've got other things going on. Other stories. It's all in my other blog though. The one my best friends use as a way to catch up on what we all are doing. Which is what this one should be about too right? The thing is that if I don't write about this stuff or talk about it...it's just stuck in my head. I'm just stuck by myself. Alone again.*

So why did I gargle baking soda you might ask? Well I threw up my dinner.
Today I woke up early to go to work. At 8 am. I know, it's not that early but it is for me! I've turned into a big oversleeper since college. I think I've gained a bunch of sleep back though from it because I'm not sleeping as long any more. I went to work and found out my manager switched my schedule times. I was supposed to go in at 4pm instead. Awesome. As I came back home I thought about biking around the praire preservation/bike path down the road from me. But then I saw a bunch of people on it so I didn't go. I don't like it when lots of people are there. I like being a lone. And I like working out at night anyways. I'm much more pepped up to do stuff.

Instead of working or working out I sat myself down at the computer. I started getting hungry around 11:30 and popped one of my diet pills. To make myself even less hungry I watched this documentary on youtube called "thin". It's really good. You should watch it. It's on an eating disorder clinic. Anyways, I watched that and then some more videos on it. Some of them just made me scared. Scared that this could actually kill me. I guess it's good to be afraid from it, but then I look in the mirror and it's like-well nothings happenening to you any time soon. When I was at my lowest I actually was scarred. I would have stomach pains in the morning and I remember just eating breakfast sometimes because I was afraid my insides were eating themselves or something. It sucks because today my mind felt like it was 2 years ago. Able to control what I'm eating. I didn't eat anything but a salad, which I got at work when my manager got hungry and asked the rest of us if we wanted something. I got home and threw up some. I ate some peanut m&ms and a cheese stick. Drank some water to help liquify it all and headed for the bathroom.

While there I thought "well everyone probably does this. Everyone throws up their meals sometimes. Everyone only has like one meal a day. Everyone restricts themselves."

But they dont. Do they?

It's not all that bad.

This summer I mean. It's not as bad as I was expecting it.

Work is keeping me busy in a good way. My new manager, who is awesome, always has stuff for me to do and it isn't just busy work or the same thing I did the day before. It's making me like my job more...however it makes me HATE little kids even more.

My friends are busy working too so it's not just me. One of them is in Chicago going to summer school at Columbia college which is an art school. She's an awesome photographer. We did a "photoshoot" yesterday for her final. I'm excited to see the pictures. Another one of my friends is driving back and forth to this town called Chesterfield. I have no idea where it is. Her "boyfriend" is there. I think they just have sex and smoke pot. My other two friends are working like crazy.

I'm going to Michigan from July 2nd to the 7th. My dad is getting married at his house in Ann Arbor. I like his fiance. She's really nice. Her ADD annoys me sometimes but...she can't help it. Her son annoys the crap out of me though. He's like 6 and I swear he has ADD and ADHD. I'm a bridesmaid too. I'm glad I'm not the maid of honor. My dad asked my brother to be his best man, which I guess makes sence because he's my dad's son. But I would never want to give one of those speeches.

Then I'm back till the end of July. There's this festival called Bix out in Rock island/Davenport, Iowa. My school is in Rock Island. It's a jazz festival that has been a good excuse to get all the greeks back together. I'm excited to see everyone again and make new memories.

After that I think I'll just be sticking it out till the start of school August 25th. It's starting a lot earlier this year which I love! AND it's ending at the same time, which is also awesome! I want to be at school as much as possible. Sophmore year is going to be amazing. I live on a floor with a chunk of my pledge class and a few of my other friends who are independants(not greek). It'll be one big party!

I'm cold.

P.S

If I was anyone readin this blog no matter what their relationship with me is I would be thinking:

Why does she complain about everything.
Oh she's cutting herself now? Just wants MORE attention.
Maybe if she wants to get thin she should pick her lazy ass up and go work out for once.
Her other friends are right to criticize her sorority. Look what they put her through so she could be friends with them. Why would ANYONE do that?! She dosn't have to pay for friends like us.

Yet Again...

I would give anything(well not really) to go back to the day of my last post. Why?
1.) My sorority formal and every weekend/day after absolutely made the rest of my freshman year
2.) Just to be back at college again.
3.) To be around my role models again.

I want soooo badly to quick write all the amazing things that happened the end of my freshman year, but I know I wont be able to recall the feelings and emotions nearly as well as I could have.
If your up for an intense reading session- I have another blog which I've been better about keeping up. Really the most important are about the first two pages. There's some things about pledging and a few weekends after it.

For those who don't want to read-here's some updates/problems/recollections :

Number 1!- as much as I loved the end of my freshman year, I also felt constantly depressed. Pledging changed a lot of things for me. I was always nervous during it. So nervous I didn't have an appetite. This shouldn't be a big deal because well we all know I have issues in that department. So I only ate dinner really for 5 weeks, and it usually consisted of a few picks at a salad. I hardly was ever happy, because I was so stressed out. I was almost always sad thinking we were the worst pledges ever(even though we were actually REALLY good). I studied 80 girls name,hometown, major,and nickname hours each night along with paragraphs of history we needed to know word for word. Not to forget at least 10 songs a week, which we had to know by the date they were made. It was soooo much. Every Sunday we would have these things called "inquiry" which consisted of them taking us to the tennis courts(we were founded by a tennis club). They lined us up along the court in our alphabetical line we were always in. Then they quizzed us one by one down the line on our memorization. The first night I came home crying. Mainly out of dissappointment in myself/my pledge class. I knew my stuff, but it didn't matter. We ALL had to know it. To sum it up-I've never cried so much in my life. And those who know me-know I hardly ever cry. My mindset was COMPLETELY different. Different enough that instead of finding my friends to vent to I took it out on myself. Which involved dragging my new leatherman knife along my forearm.

So I picked up a new bad habit. Since then I havn't done any more, but I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to do it again. The only thing holding me back is that it's the summer...and my dad's getting married. Of course my bridesmaid dress is spaghetti strapped. The scars are still there, and they still have a ways to go.

Pledging sucked, but I feel that I've gotten so much more out of it. The bad thing is I feel like I've kind of lost the original group I began with. They helped me during pledging, but after I felt more distant from them. They hate it when I wear my sorority jacket and the one night a week I sat at the sorority table instead of them. I know their reasons. It just sucks when they don't listen to mine.

2.)Somehow during the last weeks of school I managed to tell Adam about my eating problem. He wouldn't stop asking me how much I weighed. So I told him. But Taylor walked in halfway through the whole story so he dosn't know why it bothers me so much now. It's just so hard. People still tell me "ohhh you're so thin" and I feel like they're just lying to make me feel better. I see all the places where there used to be bone and now-lets just say there isn't. I hate remembering how thin I used to be. I knew I was thin then. I wanted to be thinner, but I knew I was thin. I just feel huge now. I feel like I'm still that thin girl but then I look in the mirror and it's like "who's that?" I feel like I've lost a part of me. Something I used to have so much control over. I'm trying to start exercising and things but it's so hard because dancing was soooo much more fun. I've been out of it too long to go back to it. And I'm going to look awful at my dad's wedding. I don't feel like thinking about it anymore.

3.)I went on my trip to the Badlands! I found a lot of really cool things. I met this Professor out there who was really cool and I've kept in touch with him. He's into bio and stuff though. I think I might go out again next year? Oh and pictures can be seen on facebook!

ok so I'd write more but I have to work tomorrow morning. Back at good ol' Petsmart!