Listen to This

You know what sucks about being a woman-PMS.
I've never had a problem with it-or at least the cranky snappy crazy part-till this past year. Having a relationship just seems to make it worse. Maybe because it's the one thing I can't control-so all that craziness is just focused into one area? I dont know. But it sucks.

I'm totally freaking myself out. Last night I convinced myself that Adam isn't thinking about me anymore and is probably freaking out about his whole love thing. All because he was only calling me at night. Then I thought about it-especially today, realizing that that's how it's always been. I mean we switch off kind of on who's texting who good morning-but no reason to freak out. He's on vacation, he's not in love with me yet, I need to make sure I realize that.

I want to tell him sometimes how I feel-since he's always been that person, but this is definitely one time I don't think it would be appropriate. I don't want to push it on him. I just hope he dosn't go the opposite direction.

Regardless, PMS has me second guessing myself all day-thinking about him all day-and wanting to cry all day as well. UGH. I've never been so excited for him to come home.

Love.

Love is obviously a different definition for every person, with some being extremely similar-to some being completely different than your own. I can't tell you how many times I've questioned my own definition-scared that it defined lust instead. But after all the worrying I've never changed my answer. I am in love.

1.) I think about him first thing in the morning and the last thing at night...and nearly every time in between. If I hear a new song-I wonder if he would like it. If I buy something to wear-I wonder what he would think it looks good on me. If I talk about anything-I wonder what he would say back. When I think about when I'll see him next-I wonder what I could do to make that day absolutely perfect. When I lay in bed at night-I wonder how he would hold me if he was there too.

2.) I constantly miss him. The minute he drove out of the driveway I was already bummed. I see him normally once a week-which seems like once a month. I've told him I miss him every single day. I hope they don't seem like empty words.

3.) Sometimes I think about if something bad would ever happen to him. I usually start crying at the thought. If he was ever disfigured-I'd still stay with him. Not because of pity.

4.) It hurts. There's this heavy sort of feeling in my chest. Just a combination of all the things I think and feel about him. All the time.

5.) I'm so scared that he'll go back to his ex-but it seems to worry me for a little bit and then let go. Because I trust him that he'd never do that or anything else to hurt me.

6.) I've never been so happy-mainly with myself.

I'm sure there's more, but honestly I'm just getting sad missing him again.

Cry Baby

Well I'm finally updating this thing. I frequently blog on another website that is basically between 4 friends and I. It's a way for us all to update each other after being so spread out after high school. Sadly, it's the first blog I go to and this one takes the brunt of it. BUT now that I'm home and on SL a lot more now-I think it's about time I get this one up to speed.

This summer I am living the bum life pretty much. There are absolutely no jobs around where I live-or none that I would stay sane at. Luckily my dad is letting me take on some projects for his janitorial service. For instance today i washed windows. Wohoooo.

I've heard that college is the best thing you'll ever pay for. I keep trying to tell myself that. So far, we've payed $53,000 for it. I still have two years left. And I'm pretty much run out of my savings. No Asia term for me :/ So student loans will be my next new friend. It's just scary to think about life after college. But maybe I'll keep that worry for senior year.

Speaking of worries. My boyfriend and I just had our 6th month anniversary a couple days ago. We went to a movie-out to lunch/early dinner and I gave him a picture that I drew. It had 182 reasons why I loved him written on the back, hidden within the frame. That was the first time I said "I love you". I didn't hear it back. But I really am ok with it-because I'd rather him just know. I'm one of those people who like to tell people how they feel about them-how much they care for them-when it happens. We don't really know if there might not be another chance? Yes, call me Miss Optimism. Anyways, as I said, I've rationalized everything out-that I don't at all regret it, I'm glad I said it, and it will mean so much more when he says it back to me. However somewhere I'm hurting, because I can't stop crying. It's awful. I've never felt so much hurt and it's all in that cliche heart-chest area. I hit my bed pillow and just bust into tears. Just all out sobs. Curling up into the fetal position and clutching my pillow. For once I can't control it. I can't help but think of him every time I wake up-and right before I drift off to sleep.

It hasn't been all that bad. Now, we talk wayyyy longer on the phone and it seems like he's trying hard to keep it going. He also uses this soft voice more now, which I loveee. I've run into a new conflict though. What do I say to him? I can't say "I love you" because I don't want him to feel pressured to say it back, but I feel like if I say "I like you" it's a huge step back from what I really mean. Any ideas? Greatly apprecitated.

Besides the boy. I've got a few things to look forward to-like seeing Harry Potter opening night at 12am!!! AND I'm dressing up all HP like-AND my friend an I are going to watch a HP marathon right before the big event. I'm so excited.
This coming weekend I'll be heading into Chicago for the Pitchfork Music Festival. I'm going with 3 of my best friends(from high school) and sleeping over at my one friend's house that's nearly in the city. I'm excited to see some new bands. The first week in august I'll be heading up to Michigan to see my dad. Then I'll be back to paradise on Aug. 18th!!!

Oh my. Summer can't go fast enough.

Home

I'm Home.
No job.
Period came.wooo.
Wont see Adam till Monday.
To afraid to go out into the real world
when you feel like such a failure.

Revolutionary Road

I cannot fall asleep. It's not really that surprising. Going to sleep by myself is so hard. Tonight is a little different though. I saw Revolutionary Road at my school theater. I read the book this winter and loved it. I loved the movie too. It was just depressing. As the book was too. So now I'm sad and cannot fall asleep.

Today I threw up my dinner. I hadn't for awhile. I threw up lunch yesterday. I'm so tired of not being who I want to be.

I'm tired of my roommate. One reason I can't wait for summer.

I feel like I need to cry.

My jaw hurts. I've been clamping my jaw all day and I dont know why.

My head is just tired. But my mind isn't.

Maybe I'll just work on my psych paper.

Being Neglectful

Wow, I feel like I havn't written on this thing in ages.

Well I'm home for a week now, and then I go to the grand canyon for a week. I'm scared about how hard it's going to be, but it will be so rewarding.

Everything is amazing with the boy. I've never been so happy. When I got on the scale an hour after getting home I looked at it-and for the first time-didn't say to myself "well you're not eating tomorrow."
I've told him everything. That what he thought was over-really wasn't. And for some reason thats pushed me forward. I don't throw up 3/4ths of what I eat anymore. I don't not eat. I don't take those god awful diet pills because he watched me flush them down a toilet. I know it hasn't gone, but I think I'm understanding it more. When I'm unhappy-it becomes the center of my life. Now I've got someone else to worry about. For once, I actually like it.

I just got through one of the hardest terms I've had at Augustana. Maybe not difficulty wise but in terms of workload yes. Next term I'll have so much more room to relax-but there's also pledging.

I'll be on the other side now. I'll be the one standing in front of girls asking for my own name, hometown, major, life story. I'm not looking forward to it.

Now that I'm home I've been working on internship applications- 2 of them are in different states: Minnesota and Washington D.C. I'd love to get the Washington one. But they're both a huge stretch. I feel like I'm too young to be doing this, but the truth is-I'm 19...well almost 20. 20 years old...oh my god.

I can't believe how old I am. I used to be so scared of getting older. I remember being 14 and wanting to be 12 again. Growing up is so bitter-sweet. Life gets a whole lot better in different ways. I no longer can have the carefree mind I had as a 14 year old...not needing a job to pay for school, car insurance, clothes, etc. I didn't need to worry about 18 page lab reports and reading a novel a week. But I definitely couldn't drink then, or have amazing conversations, or have a say in what I was making my life.

I think that's the scary thing. It's all my life now. After this year of college: it's all me paying for the $24,000 tuition, and that's with all my scholarships factored in. I want to go on Asian term my senior year-all my money. I want to go to Hawaii for our geo. trip-all my money. Where am I going to life when I get out of school?! I don't want to move back here. I HATE it here. All I see is high school, bratty kids, snooty people, suburbian ideals, and my eating problem. Geneva=hell.

I was about to play SL and went on the fashion sites to look for clothes. That's all I do in there now. Blow my Lindens on clothes because I've got nothing better to do. Which is ironic because I'm never there to show them to anyone. Haha.


Not going to lie, I just ate a chipper sandwhich and want to throw up because I'll be eating so much tomorrow and I'm terrified my face is going to be bloated for pictures. But I'm not going to...and I'm kind of happy that I'm not going to.

New Year.

I never want to leave college. Never ever ever.

So far this year...
I have successfully won a Tour de Francia challenge as team Germany. Our team finished an entire 5 liter case of boxed wine in less than an hour...team being 3 people. It was quite a rough night...rough as in me puking my insides out. Don't worry the next day wasn't too bad-
I had to get up and stand on my feet for 8 hours straight because of sorority stuff and this charity event called Dance Marathon.

I designed a t-shirt for my sorority's semi-formal-making me now-the t-shirt girl.

I went to Tucson, Arizona for 5 days, missing 2 days of school and had the time of my life with my fellow geology major family.

I'm going to the Grand Canyon March 1st.

I told Adam about everything that's been bothering me-a.k.a eating problem. He made me throw out my diet pills-well dump them down the toilet. They wouldn't flush...it was kind of funny. But I havn't slept this good in a while. I havn't ceased all habits, but I thought the diet pills were a huge step seeing that I normally use them to get back into the mindset.

Tonight is semi-formal and i'm taking Adam and we're going to dance.

I wish I had more time to update-but I need to go RIGHT now!

Dancing When No One is Watching

Today I danced. Not like legit dancing...just crazy-no one-is-watching-dancing. It felt good.

I thought I'd start off with something other than my usual weight crisis. I'm having kind of a pooper day...hahah. My friend Tina and I were going to go to this cupcake bakery downtown that is AMAZING. I havn't hung out with her-other than shopping really and I want to try and actually talk to her for once.

So my sorority has a dance coming up called Semi-formal. It's just like "homecoming" in highschool only not as fancy. Just cute dresses. Lots of dancing. All take place at a little venue with a bar that underage peeps can hardly get booze from. So you just get super trashed before hand! Anyways-the vice president who is in charge of parties and what not-asked me to create some t-shirt designs. We don't have a theme. They don't want our sorority's colors on it. Basically a blank slate.
I hate blank slates.
So i made this one design that's pretty simple and I think kind of boring. But then I was talking to my good friend Karen(who's my pledge sister) and she sparked my creativity and I decided to go with a "Just Dance" theme. Like the new Lady Gaga song. I took a design of a poster or CD of hers and tweaked it a bit to be SigPi. Here's some piccies...the face will be the front of the shirt and the color orgy is on the back. I really hope all 80 girls really like this one because I think it's just awesome.

So now I'm trying to think of one more cool theme idea.

I need to get more clothes. Andf I'm torn. There's a bunch of stuff from Urban Outfitters I wanted for Christmas and didn't get. I didn't get any clothes for christmas besides new jammies. I need new shirts. I'd like one more pant-but I only like these one pants now-so maybe I'll just stick to shirts. OH I need a dress! For Semi-formal!! AND one that a boy will like now that I've got one to impress :P

Just 3 more pounds and I'll be slightly happy about going back to school. It's day 3 of my old ways and it never fails me how awesome the third day is. Finally you're afraid to fuck up what you've accomplished. Then you're still in this limbo of feeling good that you havn't eaten much. Just a little longer and that goes away...because then anything you eat becomes too much. But just let me bask in it for a little bit.

Alrighty. I think I might try sl for a bit. I'm always slightly let down when I get on. Either no one is on or everyone is on or someone is on but it's like I'm playing 20 questions trying to catch up. Not that I mind but I feel bad askingaskingasking when people are probably busy doing stuff.

Maybe I'll just Stumble a bit...

Be Kind. Rewind.

I want to go back. I want to go back. I want to go anywhere but here. Gone.

I want to see my therapist. I want to tell her everything and I know I can't because everything would take more than an hour.

Today My Aunt(dad's sister), uncle, and cousin came over to our house(mom's) for dinner. It's weird-seperated family getting back together. Reminds me of my graduation party. I loved that party. I loved it when people came back and saw the lives they were missing. Ha.

Anyways they came over-I got chrismtas presents. BURBERRY BRIT perfume-oohhh it smells so good. Adam has the boy kind...but I wanted it way before anything was going on because I just loved the smell of his so much. I got some bath and body works stuff, blah blah. Then dinner.

During dinner somehow Someone brought up the fact that I was going to be a vegan-pretty sure it was Adam. And everyone went crazy. How are you going to get your vitamins?! How are you going to get calcium?! I didn't want to explain it. I've gotten so sick of explaining it. I just want to be left alone. I'm not even doing it right now-I'm starting when school gets back. But they kept pressing-even my uncle who is awesome was like-I wanna hear this. Suddenly I just wanted to blow. To say FUCK OFF ALL OF YOU. It pisses me off when they say I'm not eating right. WHO THE FUCK EATS 'RIGHT'? No one. No one. And No One has any authority to scrutinize my eating habits.

Then that led into Laura freaking out because I don't tell her anything. She found out through my aunt that Adam will be my potential boyfriend. That's another they didn't get. Potential boyfriend.
Why not just say he's your boyfriend?
Because it's college mom. It's not the same.
I just don't understand why.
IT'S DIFFERENT. IT'S NOT THE REAL WORLD.

They don't get that everything they did isn't the same now. We're not girlfriend/boyfriend because we didn't want to hurry whatever this is along. We don't want to fuck it up. Calling ourselves boyfriend-girlfriend...brings us past that point of ever just being the way things were...well i guess we broke that that one night I told you about.Ha.

Anyways. I don't like being here. Monitored. Questioned. I hate talking to my mom. Something I never thought would happen. She's different. I know she's depressed or sad. She's got to be with Dave. Sometimes I kind of feel bad for her. Then realize she brought this on herself. Maybe if she didn't move Dave in when my dad was moving out. Maybe if I didn't see her making out with Dave before the divorce was final. Maybe if I didn't find pictures of the two of them sneaking around towns smooching while my parents were still together. Maybe then I would feel sorry. Sorry that she jumped off the tracks and i'm not home to push her back on.

Someone. Just take me back to school. Get me out of this house for the day. For the week. Time is just so slow right now.

I Have Finally Found.

Words that express what I-what it feels like-too try and kill off half of yourself-to feel like you don't deserve to be happy-to cut away at the thing you hate most.

I read the book Wasted by Marya Hornbacher. I wanted to read it when I was at my worst...which dosn't really feel like it was "the worst" after reading her book. But I kept passing it up when I went to buy a new book thinking that if the cashier saw the book with anorexia and bulimia written on the front-everyone would know that I had attempted the same. Done the same? I don't like considering myself either of those...because I have it twisted in my mind that if you're going to be called that-you better be sick...and I'm not sick. Well, not sick enough.

I read the book on the way back from Boyne, Michigan. My dad took us up to go skiing over the New Years. It was an amazing vacation. I'm already hating being back in reality. To make it more bitter-sweet Adam left for his geology trip yesterday-the day I came back. SO I wont be seeing him till I go back to school. He said he was going to be at school the whole weekend before because their plane gets back on friday. He said I should try to come back Saturday, but that's not going to happen because I have no way to get there.
But anyways, on the way back I was thinking about relationships and why I had never had one...and reading the book it made me realize that I did have one-with my other self. The one that told me to close myself off from everyone-to recoil at the slightest touch-to lie when asked how I am-to lie in general about how I was running my life. I never cared to have a boyfriend because I didn't want to have someone touching me-someone needing my attention when I could only focus it all to myself. Most of all, someone to make me feel happy and good about myself...because that other voice yelled that I sure didn't deserve it.

Now I'm at a crossroads again-and I keep trying to think how I can go down both at the same time. Adam, for once in my life, distracts me from trying to punish myself for everything that I've ruined. For some reason I don't feel like the huge, fat, monster my brian keeps telling me I've become-when he touches me...because everyone else does. I trust him...and it scares me. I want to be with him-but I'm not going to lie...that book brought back the memories of having that control-the idea of pushing your body to its limits because you want to do anything to destroy it.

I don't want it to be over. Just one more go at shrinking down. Chasing after that original high. I just want to be there again. I'm not going to be able to do it after college. Well maybe...I still have grad school...but it's not the same...I have to do it again. I just want to feel clean and empty and tight and cold and the feeling of pushing myself with nothing in me. I need to read that book again-I need to highlight all the parts where she wrote what I've wanted to say for so long.

"After a lifetime of silence, it is difficult then to speak...you find your lexicon vastly insufficient: the words lack shape and taste, temperature and weight...the acid of bile, the metallic tang of blood."