2days!

Puppy is almost here!
Laura was throwing out names at me haha, and I know it's not MY dog, but I don't want her to name it something retarded. Like Maggie. I'm sorry if you like that name or if someone in your family is named that name but I think it's one of the most boring names EVER. I don't like Mary either...or my own name in fact...or Ashley...really any name you hear all the time.

I guess I like the weird unusual names, which makes me already feel sorry for the child I'm dreading to have some day(assuming I'll like children more in the future. I'm not going to have a child just because.) Anyways, that kid is going to be named something cool/not everyday like Sydney, Annica(ahh-nick-uh), Hallie(HAHA no way?!), or something like that.

My brother gets his wisdom teeth out tomorrow. I hope it's not nearly as bad as mine were. Not that I don't want him to feel awful but hear my mom catering to all his needs and he acts like a pathetic little animal the whole time. Jealously? No, I hate it when Laura does that to me. I don't know why that annoys me so much. I think I just hate it when people expect people to have pity on them. "I'm SICK! Help me!" "I don't have any money because I spend it all on clothes and drugs but I don't have enough for food! Help?"UGH. Watch, that will be me one day.

I really like this music artist called Mira. She reminds me of Joanna Newsom and The Blow combined.

Insane

I had the craziest weekend ever. Replaced alcohol for food. Literally. Proof can be seen on facebook.
As far as that 2 week fast, HAHA. I was reading up on it and it just terrifies me. Like I want to do it, but I'm afraid that when I stop I'm just going to become a bloated monster. And then I don't want to gain any of that weight back which is bound to happen. I've never been a big faster before-so it's not like I NEED to result to that to lose weight. So far this summer I've lost at least 10 pounds but a little was water weight. So I guess I shouldn't be completely devasted. And the day I came back I wasn't eating and I felt more and more scared to eat since I hadn't been eating. Imagine after two weeks of that. There's no way I'd want to be eating again. I know what I'm doing sucks for my body but I know it's better to pack myself with fruits and veggies all day instead of just go straight to nothing.

PUPPY IS COMING SATURDAY! Soooo excited! Bad news is I have to babysit my vicodin filled brother that day. He's getting his wisdom teeth pulled out and if it was anything like my own-I'll be his person slave for the day.

Ideas

Going out-of-town this weekend. When I get back...
2 week fast.
I have to do it.

SOOOOOOOO much!

Soo much going on here!

1.) For the Brits- I found this while using Stumbleupon(the best tool for distracting me during the day. http://solo2.abac.com/themole/tuberules.html

2.) Laura is getting a puppy! It's called a Bernese Mountain dog. I guess they get really big. I've seen a few in the pet store. The one she is adopting is named Heidi. She's not sure if she wants to keep the name or not. It is a pretty cute name but I like the really unusual names. Screw boring human names. Don't ask me what I would name it because I don't know yet. Amazing names require countless hours of thinking which I don't feel like right now. But Heidi is a boring name. Ok well not that boring-but it could be better? Well now I'm warming up to it just thinking about it.. No more thinking! Just look!

3.) I'm going out of town this weekend to visit my sorority friends from school. I'm excited to see everyone but not so much for that icky feeling after you've been drinking all night :/

4.) Well maybe I didn't have that much to write about...but c'mon puppy!?

OH I REMEMBER!
So remember how I went on a cruise last summer for "my graduation" ahem...you mean dad and becky's engagement cruise. Yeah so I was watching this cruise thing on tv and fell in love with the ships and the sights again. I emailed my dad saying I wanted to go on another and guess what-HE DOES TOO! The past few days I've been helping him decide the destination a bit...or just cementing another cruise into the wallet. I've sent him pictures, cruise quotes, and different agencies of trips to ALASKA! GLACIER BAY! MOUNTAINS! Oh my gooooooooooooood. SO beautiful. I just want to go so bad. I could go kayaking up to a glacier and be pulled by musher dogs. Ugh just sooooo much AND the temperature is about 60 degrees there! It's basically my dream vacation other than going to London. Well...it's in the top 5 or 6 dream vacations for me.

Chaotic Mind

I can't sleep for the second night in a row.
Why?
Well last night I must have swallowed loads of air while purging up my dinner(which was these cheese cracker sticks. I can't believe I didn't end up choking). That air created a huge balloon in my tummy causing me to burp like crazy, but not just any old harmless burping. It came up in bubble followed by water/stomach bile I don't know. And it just wouldn't stop. Possibly the worst feeling ever. Not only was I constantly throwing up more than I wanted to, but not able to lay down without getting up a minute later, or at least feeling emptied like I've cleared everything out.

to top it off I went to bed on our downstairs couch. Which left me waking up 3 hours later with a big bloated tummy at 6am listening to my brother bicker with my mom while he was running off to work. I rustled around trying to put Alice in Wonderland on for the 50th time. I don't know about you but Disney movies always cure me when I'm down-sickness or mentally. Alice in Wonderland has been my flick of choice. Anyways. Another 4 hours later I woke up feeling full still and just gross. Mom insisted that we go shopping for futons today. And after I woke my crabby self up a bit more she had enlisted the help of "Aunt Cindy" who is basically her gay lover only not. You know-a best friend who you can just be ridiculously close with...aka acting like lesbian mothers of mine helping me find the perfect futon for my dorm room while also falling onto mattresses together pretending to bump muffs. Embarrassing.

We went to this one place for lunch and I had this salad. I didn't plan on throwing it up but it just kept sitting at the top of my throat like my stomach just didn't want it. We went to the grocery store where I got some ice cream-great idea I know. I ate some of that when we got back and actually purged that on purpose. OH MY GOD. The best thing that I've ever eaten and thrown up. I know that sounds awful but you wouldn't believe how awful and really scary it is to get up breads. And fruit? Let me just say-you might as well gargle hydrochloric acid.

And again. I'm left feeling like a total blimp. Which is why I'm really trying to stop this great idea of mine. The throwing up part I mean. This past week it has just been-ridiculous. It started off just once a day MAYBE. Now it's everyday multiple times a day. I can't imagine the damage it's going to do to my teeth, throat, and plumbing. AND it's not even helping in my weightloss plan. It just sucks. Absolutely SUCKS. SO hopefully the next few days I'll be able to keep myself under control not to have anything that would prompt me throwing it up. The hard part is that it's not like I have to stick my fingers halfway down my throat to get it up. I'm one of the "lucky" ones who can just bend over and contract my muscles a bit and it's all downhill from there. My mind just knows its an easy way to get it out.

So why can't I sleep tonight? I stared at photos from when I was near my lowest. All the bones sticking out. I was a complete skeleton. I didn't see it then but now that I'm bigger. I feel like I'll never get there again. Like I'm nothing anymore. Like I'm not worth anything. I shouldn't be having fun or about to go buy clothes for school. I don't deserve it. You know when your about to cry your face just hurts? Well thats how I feel right now. I'm not letting myself really cry because I feel like I;m a failure. A complete worthless failure who just needs to lock herself in a room and not eat anything but some blueberries. I just want to take my knife to my arm again and run the blade across it. But it's fucking summer. AND I have to be to work at 6 am. I just hate me.

I hate me.

And I think I'm ready for bed now.

BBC

I've been watching BBC loads lately. I love this one show called Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares. I forgot his first name but he's this chef who is a complete ass and he goes to restraunts that are going under and fixes them up. It's sooo good. And now I'm watching this one documentary called I'm a Boy Anorexic. They're all like little kids too. Which I think is pretty scary-but then I remember that I was the same way. Thinking that I wanted to loose weight in 7th/8th grade. I had to be around 13 or 14 then.

Today I woke up at like 8 am. I took Oliver to the vet and came back home. Then I went in the pool for like an hour. It was soooooooooooooo much fun! I havn't been swimming in forever. It was just nice to be in the pool by myself and relaxing. I even got a little tan. But I don't have that glowy tan like everyone else gets. My skin just looks ashen and gross. I think I need more vitamin C or something.

On to the bad part...So I got Oliver from the vet-everything was fine-came home and watched some TV. I went to do my usual email check and saw I had a message from the girl I'm staying with during the Bix weekend. Taylor is staying there too. Old roommate Taylor. I don't know if I can stay there?! Well i can but I hate being around her. There's like 2 other girls there that like LOVE her and don't realize the kind of person she really is. I dont want to be around that negativity while I'm out there, but I dont want to bail on the girl I asked to stay with because she's awesome. Maybe I'll get lucky and pass out at another persons house haha. Still.It sucks. I just want to forget about it.

So I'm scarred about Taylor being there because of my bad impression from being roommates freshman year...and because she was bulimic. It's like I've decided in my head that we're competing. I think she's so much skinnier than me. She has like twig legs that I never even had at my lowest. I'm embarrassed that she'll be seeing me. I dont feel like I've lost enough...lost anything to notice. AND

Drinking. Drinking=loads of empty calories. Which I'm terrified of. I almost don't want to go to the festival any more. You know after you drink your face-everything gets all puffy and gross. I dont want to happen. I dont want to ruin any impact that I've already made on myself. I'm so scared. Really I am. Ive got this horrible feeling that I'm going to go there and people are going to look at me like I'm fat and see me drinking and watch me get fatter.

Flash Back

So I was looking at pictures today. Ones from when I was almost at my lowest. Well it was after my lowest by about 2 weeks. And then I found pictures of me last summer. I couldn't believe it. I compared everything I hate about my body now to the pictures. Thinking that it all magically appeared at the end of the school year, I had to think about it again. My arms look the same-my face is almost the same-my collarbone area. Thinking more about it-I probably only gained about 5-10 pounds at school. I've lost about 7 since coming back home. Not nearly enough. But I'm trying to stay positive. Trying to remember that this didn't happen over night. It didn't happen in a month. It took me months. Months to get to the point where my body was really eating at itself. Almost losing a half a pound each day or so.

Tomorrow I'm going to do something I havn't done for a while and not yet this summer. Swim in my pool. We have a huge swimming pool at my house, but of course no one has caught me in it. And they wont-because I'm going to go in during the day when my mom is at work and my brother is too busy to care. I'm excited. To feel the chlorine and weightlessness. To sort of get some exercise. To swim and not worry about people looking at me. Judging me.

I dont work tomorrow BUT I have to take my kitty to the vet. My very overweight kitty-haha. I'm going to buy him a toy. A kitty scratcher.

I need to clean my room tomorrow too-and my ferrets cage.

I want to buy more avocados. I made this really good mixture that I like to eat for lunch or dinner. It's 1/4 cup of black beans-cold. half an avocado and 1/4 a can of tuna. sooooooooo good!!

I'm also going to watch Alice in Wonderland tomorrow.

It's going to be a good day

4 Times

4 times I've purged today.

And the fourth time I found myself staring into the white porcelain abyss wondering if my eyes would pop out, my head explode, or just my entire stomach to come shooting up my esophagus along with my noodles and avocado. I hate it. But I'm terrified to not do it.

My dad sent my brother and I a package from his honeymoon. It had a bottle of maple syrup, dried cherries, salt water taffy, 6 types of fudge, 2 bags of chocolate covered peanuts and...a package of Michigan rocks and minerals. He also sent me the link to the wedding pictures, which I'm included in. I was going to post a link but I'm not happy about how I look so I'm not going to.

Feel

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Still so tired.
I need to go to he grocery store today.
I need to take a shower.
But I'm so tired.
I want to cook dinner for my family tonight.
But I'm so tired.
I don't know what to make.
I can't cook meat.
Maybe another night.
I want to buy my mom flowers.
Which means I have to go to the store.
Which means I'll have to take a shower.
Which means I'll have to stop laying down.
Which is practically impossible.

Rootbeer.

HAHA I just remembered when I was in the badlands-we were getting really slap happy from the sun draining
our enery. So I wanted to make a Haiku but couldn't remember how they are structured.So I yelled down to one of my friends...
"What's the structure of a haiku?!" and she yelled up blah-blah-blah(well actual numbers that I don't remember)
And then all the sudden about 5 more yells came out from the depressions. It was such a cool-weird feeling.

Your Cure

So i think I might have gotten the cure for my shitty feelings.

I've been having a lot of headaches lately which I assumed was just dehydration even though I drink lots of water. BUT...

Yesterday I went to the eye doctor and told her about my headaches. She took a look and found that I now have an astigmatism in my left eye. AWESOMEEEE. And they got slightly worse prescription wise. I didn't think they were bad but I guess not!

I worked from 6-10 today. It went by kind of slow. But then I went outside and it was just SOO nice out. I hope I can get myself out to ride my bike tonight. Especially since it's supposed to be getting really hot this week. Gay.

Ok I think that's all the awesome news I have for you today.

Buh LUD

Maybe I'm anemic?
I'm so freaking tired and I get headaches.
Maybe I'm just cancerous.
Either way it kind of sucks.
I want to drink coffee right now, but I can feel a headache coming.
I want to go out and have fun-ride my bike, but I'm so tired and I dont even want to get all nice looking. I don't think I would even get myself out to go to Swordfish. Oh that sounds so good.

Ahhh I'm getting my eye check today. At 3:30. I dont want to go because that means getting dressed and putting some make-up on and driving.Annnnddd I need to take a shower. Maybe I'll just wash my hair and shower tonight. I have to work tomorrow! At 6am again!!! Ahhh!

Black Tighty Whiteys and Poor Internet Connection

I am writing to you from Ann Arbor, Michigan. How exciting.

We got here last night and I began watching the movie Sicko by Michael Moore. It got pretty late and I was extremely tired so I saved most of it for this morning. I cannot believe how bad our health care is. It's weird because growing up here it's like you're constantly told how lucky you are to live in America. And I'm sure that is true for lots of countries, but compared to England, France, Canada...CUBA!? They totally beat us. They beat us in more than just health care. Free education? As in college education? I'm in debt already! Lame.

So now after a grocery run and terrible fright from old scabby cashiers in the checkout line, I've come back to watch Love Actually. It's got all my favorite brits in it...well most of the ones I know really. Like Mr.Darcy and ugly sweater man from Bridget Jones. Then there's Professor Snape and Trewlany(however you spell it). Who else...oh, everyones favorite Kiera Knightley. She does have an underbite. At least she dosn't look like she's sucking her cheeks in every minute of the scene. Oh and there's one actress who looks ridiculously like my old history teacher. They even kind of talk the same. I swear they could be sisters.

Tonight us "girls" are all going out for a girls night. Us girls meaning Becky(dad's fiance)'s friends and me. Me the only under 21 year old. They've decided to solve this by tracking me down a fake ID. Wonderful role models I have. How old are they again? Oh yeah-somewhere in their 40's. I'm looking forward to it.

Tomorrow we're going out for a manicure/pedicure. Friday is the fourth and about all of our close family members will be in. We got a ton of fireworks too! Like the big mortars. Can you say legit? Then saturday is the wedding. No crazy partying though because we leave the next day to go home :/

I have to pee. And that it what I'm going to leave you with.