125.

I am in the lounge of my dormitory right now.
Spell check has never been so useful.
I have just had a conversation with the evil person inside me.
I've never told you about her before...I don't like her.
She scares me.
She's not like me.
She yells at me when I look into the mirror.
Her eyes look past my cheerful gaze.
She makes me feel like I am nothing.
That I have not done anything.
That I am worthless.
That I do not deserve the things that I have.
The friends that I have.
The college that I have.
The image that I see.
Some days I feel like I'm thinner.
Until her eyes take over
And suddenly I see what is really there.
The same body that I started out with.
Nothing that I have done has changed it.
If anything I have made it worse.
I am a fat amorphous blob.
And she tells me that over and over.
The fuzzy feeling coursing through my veins brings her reach into my hands.
She talks through me.
She wanted to write this blog.
She wanted me to remember what it's like when she's here.
Someone else.
Someone that can't stand what i've become.
Someone that looks back on the pictures and cries about what I have let behind.
It is 2:45 and I want to go to bed.
Before the Witching hour.
You don't think it's real but I think it is.
Too many scray movies.
I am so fuzzy and tired.
But that is why I don't want to go to bed.
I don't want to.
I wish i could say the same for eating.
Why must I be so weak.
Why must I be so stupid.
Why must I be subjected to this.
Why can't I see myself the way others see me.
Why can't I say "I look pretty today"
Why can't I invest my time into a relationship instead of one with this person inside of me.
Because you are not worth it.
You.
Don't.
Deserve.
Anything.

You don't deserve to feel, to breath, to think, to wonder, to hope...never.













Let me go.