Chaotic Mind

I can't sleep for the second night in a row.
Why?
Well last night I must have swallowed loads of air while purging up my dinner(which was these cheese cracker sticks. I can't believe I didn't end up choking). That air created a huge balloon in my tummy causing me to burp like crazy, but not just any old harmless burping. It came up in bubble followed by water/stomach bile I don't know. And it just wouldn't stop. Possibly the worst feeling ever. Not only was I constantly throwing up more than I wanted to, but not able to lay down without getting up a minute later, or at least feeling emptied like I've cleared everything out.

to top it off I went to bed on our downstairs couch. Which left me waking up 3 hours later with a big bloated tummy at 6am listening to my brother bicker with my mom while he was running off to work. I rustled around trying to put Alice in Wonderland on for the 50th time. I don't know about you but Disney movies always cure me when I'm down-sickness or mentally. Alice in Wonderland has been my flick of choice. Anyways. Another 4 hours later I woke up feeling full still and just gross. Mom insisted that we go shopping for futons today. And after I woke my crabby self up a bit more she had enlisted the help of "Aunt Cindy" who is basically her gay lover only not. You know-a best friend who you can just be ridiculously close with...aka acting like lesbian mothers of mine helping me find the perfect futon for my dorm room while also falling onto mattresses together pretending to bump muffs. Embarrassing.

We went to this one place for lunch and I had this salad. I didn't plan on throwing it up but it just kept sitting at the top of my throat like my stomach just didn't want it. We went to the grocery store where I got some ice cream-great idea I know. I ate some of that when we got back and actually purged that on purpose. OH MY GOD. The best thing that I've ever eaten and thrown up. I know that sounds awful but you wouldn't believe how awful and really scary it is to get up breads. And fruit? Let me just say-you might as well gargle hydrochloric acid.

And again. I'm left feeling like a total blimp. Which is why I'm really trying to stop this great idea of mine. The throwing up part I mean. This past week it has just been-ridiculous. It started off just once a day MAYBE. Now it's everyday multiple times a day. I can't imagine the damage it's going to do to my teeth, throat, and plumbing. AND it's not even helping in my weightloss plan. It just sucks. Absolutely SUCKS. SO hopefully the next few days I'll be able to keep myself under control not to have anything that would prompt me throwing it up. The hard part is that it's not like I have to stick my fingers halfway down my throat to get it up. I'm one of the "lucky" ones who can just bend over and contract my muscles a bit and it's all downhill from there. My mind just knows its an easy way to get it out.

So why can't I sleep tonight? I stared at photos from when I was near my lowest. All the bones sticking out. I was a complete skeleton. I didn't see it then but now that I'm bigger. I feel like I'll never get there again. Like I'm nothing anymore. Like I'm not worth anything. I shouldn't be having fun or about to go buy clothes for school. I don't deserve it. You know when your about to cry your face just hurts? Well thats how I feel right now. I'm not letting myself really cry because I feel like I;m a failure. A complete worthless failure who just needs to lock herself in a room and not eat anything but some blueberries. I just want to take my knife to my arm again and run the blade across it. But it's fucking summer. AND I have to be to work at 6 am. I just hate me.

I hate me.

And I think I'm ready for bed now.