I've been sick the past few days, i think.

Since monday I've thrown up every time after I eat. I don't feel sick. I'm tired from throwing up but not nauseous or queasy. When I throw up it;s like I've eaten too much and it's just coming back up.

If you think I'm making myself throw up, I'm not. I've already tried and it's never worked.

My friends are threatening to take me to the hospital if I keep throwing up. I love them for caring about me but I hate knowing that they will gladly drag me there even if I'm kicking and screaming not to go. I dont want to go.

School sucks this term. It's so hard. So much. I can't wait for this term to be over. I hate chemistry. It sucks.

I'm tired.

Say what you need to say

My weekend was terribly uneventful with the exception of last night. So much to catch up on.

Anyways. I stopped running after wednesday last week because of my ankles. When I walk or run I overpronate my foot...which means I basically only walk on the inner part of it. I think the picture best illustrates it. So weds. I ran 4 miles on the track. Completely ignored the pain because I was in that running stupor. It was amazing-but I'm paying for it now. It just feels worse everyday. I ordered new shoes though. REAL running shoes! I'm so excited. I want to go run again today. I think I'll go no matter what.

Last night I hung out with Brian. We "watched" Garden State. Don't you dare get any bad ideas because we did no such things! We just cuddled A LOT. A few kisses. Nothing to get excited about.
He was gone all weekend for a swim meet. So before he left he gave me his kid-stuffed animal panda. You know the toy you carry around like it depends on your life toy. It's all beat up and worn and I love it. He told me Petey dosn't like traveling so I need to take care of him. It was cute.
He also burned me a CD. It's basically all Iron and Wine. A few songs are Dashboard. I'm listening to it right now. Where there's gold.

Only one problem. Brian I guess likes to hook up with girls. I wasn't really worried about it, because that's not whats going on between us. But my friend Adam told me that he did stuff with girls over x-mas break...which we were talking and hanging out on. Adam told me that he and 2 of the other guys didn't think it would be a good idea for me to get involved with him because of his history. But then he said to just give it a chance-just don't trust him. He told me he wasn't going to tell me about it, but he didn't want anything bad to happen to me because I don't deserve that. I'm better than that. That made me happy.

I have rush this week. It's when you go to all the sororities and learn about them. Such a pain. I have to go buy new clothes. UGH.

I want to go home real bad. I have too much going on until feburary. GAY.

I've realized lately how much better my hairpulling has been. good.

I'm going to Walgreens today. Exciting. Too bad we'll be walking 10 minutes in the 3 degree whether...literally.

Time to go to dance.

Run with Me

Ok..lots of stuff to bring you up on.

Most significant:

1.)I've been running 5 days a week, at least a mile each day.
2.)I've also been lifting some weights
3.)I really need new clothes and running shoes
4.)Brian kissed me on saturday. I was sober and it was nice.
5.)I still feel hesitant about being with Brian. Like I'm holding myself back for no reason.
6.)I want to go home, really bad.
7.)Rush for sororities is coming up-making it nearly impossible to go home.
8.)I need to go to bed.

Queen of the Mile

I'm sooo tired right now. In a good way though.

So I'm back at school. Sadly I did not make it on SL the past break. It's funny to look back and think how I used to spend every minute I could on that game. Staying up till 3 in the morning and passing out at the computer. Now it's like 2 hours and I'm ready to go do something else. It's sad that it's just not that fun anymore. Especially since I rarely get to talk to my UK friends without it.

Speaking of the UK. I have moved up to #9 on the waiting list to go to Europe. This puts me extremely close to getting the opportunity to go. I've been weighing the ups and downs.
Ups: Get to see my wonderful UK friends that I've dreamed about meeting and hugging for years.
Get to see two countries I've wanted to see the most all my life.
Get to listen to sexy british accents for 5 weeks.
Get to laugh at silly germans for 5 weeks.
Downs: I get set back a term with my geology intentions
I miss out on a ton of stuf with my friends- a lot goes on in one term!
Miss out on building the professor-student relationship for one term.

So it's kind of a stale mate. It's a ridiculous amount of money to go there, around $15,000. I dont know if it would be better to wait and go when I'm not in school? But my mom wont let me go if I'm not with a group! It's not the typical spring break location. What am I getting so worked up for. I'm only #9 on the list.

I've been working out for the past 3 days now. Adam, my friend Sam and Kate, and I have been going around 7pm and running/weight lifting. I've been running at least a mile each day. The first day I ran 12 laps which equals 1 and a half miles. The last two I've only managed a mile or so, but I've been rowing a mile on the rowing machine too. Adam has been showing me how to weight lift since I have NO upper body strength. ZERO. They have a good ol' time watching me lift even the lightest weights.

I need to think of a better schedule. Like running only 3 days a week? Or maybe I should run 5?Or 6? At least a mile each time? I need a friend that knows all about this stuff. I should look it up.

I've had ridiculous chocolate cravings the past week. No it's not that time of the month! I looked it up online and found some magazines that told me that it's caused by a lack in protein, which dosn't surprise me at all. I used to eat egg whites, but eggs freak me out now so I dont eat them. I dont eat nuts...just hardly anything with protein. I KNOW it's bad, but it sucks force feeding yourself something you hate. Like milk...I hate it...I refuse to drink it. But I'm going to need calcium some how? Cottage cheese?

I have done something good to keep some of my vitamins in check. FLINSTONE VITAMINS. YUM. I eat them like candy. EFF the person who says one a day! They're for kids and I think I should eat as many as I want. They're just so good. I'ma have one right now. God they're so good.

Havn't talked to Brian much since I got back. Adam did a little bit. I guess Brian just kinda got out of a long relationship and it's hard getting back into one because you kinda forget what to do? Adam said it's true. I wouldn't know. Still, I keep flip flopping about him, which may be a sign.

I got transformer tattoos. They rock.

Night Drive

Sooooo Tired.

I picked up Tina and Caitlin from C-dawgs house. Katie didn't come. Went to Noodles. 1 o'clock. Plenty of time. Get on highway around 1:30.

The seemingly simple ride to Knox turned into a horror ride after the 2nd exit to 74. I missed the exit at first and continued to go to the Quad City Airport. Dont worry I realized I was off and turned around however I got on 74 and stayed on 74 for like ever. Then we went 94 miles out of the way. We got to Knox eventually though.

Went to Dinner with the missing half of the Bebop. Good cookies. Then they all went and smoked weed. Tina said I got some of it but I'm positive I didn't. We went back to their dorm and stayed there. Annie was entertaining. It was nice seeing their friends again. I wish we could've stayed the night, but the ride home was fun.

I was doing real well until we got to the 88 east exit. I missed it and 74 turned into 80 again. Gay. So somehow I figured out how to get back on 80 and into illinois? Then we got on 88. Then fog. Lots of fog. I could probably see 20 feet in front of me and the rest of my side of the highway. As for anything in the distance..no way. So I managed to stay going 70-80 by staying between the white lines. I was quite pleased with myself.

I'm home now. So tired. But overtired. So much to do still. But I dont care. I have half a day at school tomorrow. I wish I could've spent more time today with my brother.

The drive was awful(on the way) but I'm glad we went to Knox.


oh...I love Eisly and the Canberries. And Cranberry Juice. Did you Reisin hit?

We sat at blue street liiiiggghhhttsss watching the strike of '59

So much went on today!

Ok, so went to Yorktown. I love driving on the highway. My fave song of the day is Jessie and My Whetstone. Loooooovvveeeee. Got the best parking spot ever. Saw my 2 fave people from Augie...well pretty muuch(Nate and Adam). They gave me a hard time about seeing Brian tonight. They always do that. Went to Egg Harbor. It was really good. Then we went bowling. I did awful. I got like 5 strikes though. Then we went home. Another awesome drive. Not as good as the first.

Brian came over around 6:30 after getting lost. haha. We hung around the house a little talking waiting to get more hungry. Then we went to CPK. It was good. We had fun. Came back home and watched Jurassic Park. Haha such nerds. It was so good I havn't seen it in forever. Then we watched the Office and a little of Little Miss Sunshine. He left around 12:30. We were so tired.

I'm so tired.

Tomorrow I'm off to Knox. I was hoping it would be some huge surprise. I have so much to do. I feel bad that everyone can't stay over but I'm not prepared to stay the night when having to go back to school tomorrow. I have no problem driving home by myself but my mom freaked. I just want everything to be done. Get to Knox. See two of the coolest people I know. Go home. Sleep in.

Sunday I go back to school. Ugggghhh

New Year's Resolutions

1. To stop saying "gay". I hate the people that say it and some how I've become one of them. I need to find a new word. My brother recomended "Dumb Shit".

2. To start working out and stick to it. I'm realizing that the way I've stayd so thin and muscular all these years were the 2 hours of dance team every day. I never realized how much it helped. Adam wants to workout too so I think we'll make a good work out team.

3. Let people get close to me. Tell them how I really feel and what's going on.

4. Get at least a 3.5 GPA. I got a 3.33 last term...almost there.

* All of this will start next week when I'm at school. Me and three of my best friends are doing a raw food diet for at least a week. i wanna try to go for a month but maybe I should just stick with 2 weeks.

All these strings are attatching to me but I can't find the scissors

Finally updating this thing.

I always want to write but then I get to this posting page and I feel like I can't write everything I want to say because I don't knowhow to explain it or know I can't describe how amazing it is.

But I will describe today

Technically it starts at Nick Bender's house. Had fun, but nothing to write about. I got home around 2. Laura let me stay a little longer this time. I stayed up till 4 because I just wasn't tired. So I got up at 9, stupid sinuses. I fell back asleep at 11 and slept till 2:30. My mom finally woke me up and I rushed to my dad's house in Aurora.We exchanged presents. I got Gucci perfume. mmmmm. My dad took us to Red Lobster.

Then I went to Caribou.At Caribou I saw Annie through the window and was instantly excited. I thought she left. Then I saw Tina. Equally excited. Then I saw Barbara and was like...ugh. But I withdrawl that "ugh" because she turned out to be pretty cool. Tina gave me marshies! A whole medium cup! Medium? I don' know.

Then we went to Megan's. Lots of talking. Some about Brian. I have more to talk about... We left and I forgot my presents again so I went back.But the more about Brian:

Sooo in Michigan he texted me when he was drunk and was like "grreeeen beeaaann"so I texted him back of course and told him how I need to think of a nickname for him. He replied "Howw about boyfriend?"I told him i liked it, but we'd see how much he'd like it when he was sober. That was pretty much the end of it. After the thing with asian Alex fall term I learned not to take drunks seriously.Anyways it cameup again tonight, when we were all talking. After the whole date thing. He texted me :
"you still have to make up a name for me!"
" I know! I'm not as creative as you"
"I made some suggustions but you didn't take them so well"
"Whatdo you mean I didn't take it well!?"
"I suggusted one a few nights ago but I dont think you lked it so it's all you now"
"I didn't not like it, I just didn't know if you really did"
"Grean bean why would I suggust such a name if I didn't like it"

SO that was basically that.

I've kinda realized that I do this thing where when someone gets close to me-like Brian is...I mentally push them away. Like at school after turkey break we hung out one night and watched a movie and then after that I found myself not trying to make time for him or going out of my way to be with him. So a week went by without much going on. Maybe a text here or there. Then he came to the library one night with all of us and I just missed him. I dont want that to happen again. I think it's just because I've never had a boyfriend before and I'm worried about it just changing my life-like when some people gt boyfriends and they just only spend time with them? I know that wont happen but I guess I'm afraid that will happen and I dont want to loose my friends at school. I just need to prove to myself that it will be fine.