Confusion

You know how whenever I talk about Adam and I-it's always goes back to the fact that we have more of a borther-sister relationship? Ha, well that changed.

Saturday night I went to a superhero party we had with this frat. I was batwoman and it was awesome. I didn't stay long though because I didn't want to drink much that night in the first place. But somehow I did drink a bit because I was able to run around in the cold with no more than underarmor and leggings on. So I went back to the dorms and decided to go over to my friend Jeremy's. I ran there singing "nanananana batman!" When I finally got there it was just 4 of them, chillin. They had been drinking since like 6pm, but they weren't plastered or anything. So Adam asks me if I want to go back and watch Harry Potter, which I was super excited for because I've been wanting to watch it for FOREVER.

We get back to the dorms and find out neither of us have Harry Potter so we settle for Nightmare Before Christmas instead. I gave him a back massage and then after the movie was over or maybe before it was over we just layed down and started talking. Somehow that led to tickling which led to cuddling. He kept pulling me really close to his face, but I didn't want to kiss him because I was so confused as to what was going on. Finally he did, and we both kind of stopped and came back down to earth and said "what's going on?"

And so the great conversation began- I told him that I'm just confused because we've always been really good friends/brother and sister kind of thing. Then I pointed out that I didn't want to become another "Katie Pauls" joke. (one of our friends "took advantage" of adam while he was schwasted and she was almost sober. But she blamed her actions on being super drunk). Then he said-no it's not like that-because I actually like you and I'm not even that drunk anymore. He said that he was really confused because he dosn't want to be in a relationship right now because he just broke up with his gf two weeks ago?Maybe 3 weeks? I can't remember. THen I was telling him that I like him too, but theres just this part of me that's saying "no-you're only friends", because I've been telling myself that the past year I've known him. Like if at any moment I ever though of him more than a friend I would tell myself that.

Anyways, so we settled on the fact that we're going to consider it...like put it on hold for awhile.

Last night I was working on homework in their room and he gave me a back massage and all of us(roomate+girlfriend were there too) just talked and watched storm chasers. Then we realized that it was 1 am and we needed to go to bed! I went to leave and Adam walked out with me. It was a bit of an awkward moment because all the sudden he was like "so-I'm sorry I tried to kiss you last night." and what am I supposed to say to that? I mean I said it was fine-but it just caught me off guard. But then he said "but I meant everything else, like I really do mean it."

I just can't believe how complicated it all is.