BBC

I've been watching BBC loads lately. I love this one show called Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares. I forgot his first name but he's this chef who is a complete ass and he goes to restraunts that are going under and fixes them up. It's sooo good. And now I'm watching this one documentary called I'm a Boy Anorexic. They're all like little kids too. Which I think is pretty scary-but then I remember that I was the same way. Thinking that I wanted to loose weight in 7th/8th grade. I had to be around 13 or 14 then.

Today I woke up at like 8 am. I took Oliver to the vet and came back home. Then I went in the pool for like an hour. It was soooooooooooooo much fun! I havn't been swimming in forever. It was just nice to be in the pool by myself and relaxing. I even got a little tan. But I don't have that glowy tan like everyone else gets. My skin just looks ashen and gross. I think I need more vitamin C or something.

On to the bad part...So I got Oliver from the vet-everything was fine-came home and watched some TV. I went to do my usual email check and saw I had a message from the girl I'm staying with during the Bix weekend. Taylor is staying there too. Old roommate Taylor. I don't know if I can stay there?! Well i can but I hate being around her. There's like 2 other girls there that like LOVE her and don't realize the kind of person she really is. I dont want to be around that negativity while I'm out there, but I dont want to bail on the girl I asked to stay with because she's awesome. Maybe I'll get lucky and pass out at another persons house haha. Still.It sucks. I just want to forget about it.

So I'm scarred about Taylor being there because of my bad impression from being roommates freshman year...and because she was bulimic. It's like I've decided in my head that we're competing. I think she's so much skinnier than me. She has like twig legs that I never even had at my lowest. I'm embarrassed that she'll be seeing me. I dont feel like I've lost enough...lost anything to notice. AND

Drinking. Drinking=loads of empty calories. Which I'm terrified of. I almost don't want to go to the festival any more. You know after you drink your face-everything gets all puffy and gross. I dont want to happen. I dont want to ruin any impact that I've already made on myself. I'm so scared. Really I am. Ive got this horrible feeling that I'm going to go there and people are going to look at me like I'm fat and see me drinking and watch me get fatter.