Baking Soda

I just gargled baking soda.

*side note before I start into it all. I slightly hate that I use this blog as a journal for my eating problem. Because it's not just me reading it. I don't want you to think this is all that's in my life. I've got other things going on. Other stories. It's all in my other blog though. The one my best friends use as a way to catch up on what we all are doing. Which is what this one should be about too right? The thing is that if I don't write about this stuff or talk about it...it's just stuck in my head. I'm just stuck by myself. Alone again.*

So why did I gargle baking soda you might ask? Well I threw up my dinner.
Today I woke up early to go to work. At 8 am. I know, it's not that early but it is for me! I've turned into a big oversleeper since college. I think I've gained a bunch of sleep back though from it because I'm not sleeping as long any more. I went to work and found out my manager switched my schedule times. I was supposed to go in at 4pm instead. Awesome. As I came back home I thought about biking around the praire preservation/bike path down the road from me. But then I saw a bunch of people on it so I didn't go. I don't like it when lots of people are there. I like being a lone. And I like working out at night anyways. I'm much more pepped up to do stuff.

Instead of working or working out I sat myself down at the computer. I started getting hungry around 11:30 and popped one of my diet pills. To make myself even less hungry I watched this documentary on youtube called "thin". It's really good. You should watch it. It's on an eating disorder clinic. Anyways, I watched that and then some more videos on it. Some of them just made me scared. Scared that this could actually kill me. I guess it's good to be afraid from it, but then I look in the mirror and it's like-well nothings happenening to you any time soon. When I was at my lowest I actually was scarred. I would have stomach pains in the morning and I remember just eating breakfast sometimes because I was afraid my insides were eating themselves or something. It sucks because today my mind felt like it was 2 years ago. Able to control what I'm eating. I didn't eat anything but a salad, which I got at work when my manager got hungry and asked the rest of us if we wanted something. I got home and threw up some. I ate some peanut m&ms and a cheese stick. Drank some water to help liquify it all and headed for the bathroom.

While there I thought "well everyone probably does this. Everyone throws up their meals sometimes. Everyone only has like one meal a day. Everyone restricts themselves."

But they dont. Do they?