Thursday, December 11, 2008

Out of my Head

I talked to my friend Nate today who is Adam's roomate, about the whole thing going on between me and him.

Last night Adam and I watched The Fall in his room(which it's a crazy amazing movie by the way-english version of Amelie). Anyways it was soooo cute and I had fun because we just cuddled the whole time. Even when Nate came in Adam just kept wrapping his arms around me. It made it feel real.

And then once again after I left, I was thinking.


So since I havn't told anyone else what's going on-I decided to talk to Nate about it. I told him how I just feel like this light switch flipped on-for both of us and all the sudden it's an entirely different way of looking at each other. I told him how it was weird to have been the girl he always told about who he liked or who he thought was cute...and then actually be that girl? How I know that Adam dosn't want a relationship but at the same time I don't want to be sitting with him and he thinking about Ashley. Because I have never believed him when he's said that.
Nate understood everything I was thinking and basically just told me that I need to think of it this way...this can turn out as something really good or really bad if we continue what we're doing. We're never going to have the relationship we had before. It's even harder for me since I don't have anything to compare it to.

I think I'm just scared of screwing it all up. And I keep thinking that he's just going to use me for sex like all the other guys on this campus-but I know he would NEVER do that. Seriously. And no I havn't had sex with anyone-I'm just saying it seems like it's the only thing guys are after here. Oh and now that I think about it I don't want that whole friends with benefits thing to happen either.

But I guess I just have to think how I feel right now-and that's happy.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Confusion

You know how whenever I talk about Adam and I-it's always goes back to the fact that we have more of a borther-sister relationship? Ha, well that changed.

Saturday night I went to a superhero party we had with this frat. I was batwoman and it was awesome. I didn't stay long though because I didn't want to drink much that night in the first place. But somehow I did drink a bit because I was able to run around in the cold with no more than underarmor and leggings on. So I went back to the dorms and decided to go over to my friend Jeremy's. I ran there singing "nanananana batman!" When I finally got there it was just 4 of them, chillin. They had been drinking since like 6pm, but they weren't plastered or anything. So Adam asks me if I want to go back and watch Harry Potter, which I was super excited for because I've been wanting to watch it for FOREVER.

We get back to the dorms and find out neither of us have Harry Potter so we settle for Nightmare Before Christmas instead. I gave him a back massage and then after the movie was over or maybe before it was over we just layed down and started talking. Somehow that led to tickling which led to cuddling. He kept pulling me really close to his face, but I didn't want to kiss him because I was so confused as to what was going on. Finally he did, and we both kind of stopped and came back down to earth and said "what's going on?"

And so the great conversation began- I told him that I'm just confused because we've always been really good friends/brother and sister kind of thing. Then I pointed out that I didn't want to become another "Katie Pauls" joke. (one of our friends "took advantage" of adam while he was schwasted and she was almost sober. But she blamed her actions on being super drunk). Then he said-no it's not like that-because I actually like you and I'm not even that drunk anymore. He said that he was really confused because he dosn't want to be in a relationship right now because he just broke up with his gf two weeks ago?Maybe 3 weeks? I can't remember. THen I was telling him that I like him too, but theres just this part of me that's saying "no-you're only friends", because I've been telling myself that the past year I've known him. Like if at any moment I ever though of him more than a friend I would tell myself that.

Anyways, so we settled on the fact that we're going to consider it...like put it on hold for awhile.

Last night I was working on homework in their room and he gave me a back massage and all of us(roomate+girlfriend were there too) just talked and watched storm chasers. Then we realized that it was 1 am and we needed to go to bed! I went to leave and Adam walked out with me. It was a bit of an awkward moment because all the sudden he was like "so-I'm sorry I tried to kiss you last night." and what am I supposed to say to that? I mean I said it was fine-but it just caught me off guard. But then he said "but I meant everything else, like I really do mean it."

I just can't believe how complicated it all is.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Girl Interrupted

Oh philosophy just puts me in the best of moods.

I might as well die. Thanks Socrates. Because to have a good life I need to be searching for the meanings of virtues, and if I don't I'm simply sleep walking through life. Well there must be more to it than that?

"What about our friends?" I asked my friend Adam today when he said he wasn't afraid to die. "Aren't afraid about what you're leaving behind?"

and he made a good point....

"Who are we leaving behind? What are our friendships? No matter how close we are with someone-no one will understand the feeling of my hate, my love, my happiness. No matter how hard we try to explain our emotions they can never be put into words. We're alone. We die alone. We're not leaving anyone behind."

What do you think? Is there any point to being here?

So that led me to being fairly depressed. Then I got even more so when Adam and this girl Britta were going to go see this comedy show tonight. All of my good friends seem to be getting girlfriends...except me...well I'd like a boy please.

There's something terribly awful about never having a boyfriend. If my lack of self-esteem wasn't brought down enough by my eating problems, the no-relationship thing is really starting to set in. My friends tell me that they can't believe that I don't have a boyfriend or never had one. Which then leads to them wanting to set me up with someone and whatnot....
but there's another problem. It's soooo hard for me to be together with someone...
I guess it's something you can't explain.
You know the saying 'You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself'? Well...I think it's absolutely true.
Or at least for me...