Dancing When No One is Watching

Today I danced. Not like legit dancing...just crazy-no one-is-watching-dancing. It felt good.

I thought I'd start off with something other than my usual weight crisis. I'm having kind of a pooper day...hahah. My friend Tina and I were going to go to this cupcake bakery downtown that is AMAZING. I havn't hung out with her-other than shopping really and I want to try and actually talk to her for once.

So my sorority has a dance coming up called Semi-formal. It's just like "homecoming" in highschool only not as fancy. Just cute dresses. Lots of dancing. All take place at a little venue with a bar that underage peeps can hardly get booze from. So you just get super trashed before hand! Anyways-the vice president who is in charge of parties and what not-asked me to create some t-shirt designs. We don't have a theme. They don't want our sorority's colors on it. Basically a blank slate.
I hate blank slates.
So i made this one design that's pretty simple and I think kind of boring. But then I was talking to my good friend Karen(who's my pledge sister) and she sparked my creativity and I decided to go with a "Just Dance" theme. Like the new Lady Gaga song. I took a design of a poster or CD of hers and tweaked it a bit to be SigPi. Here's some piccies...the face will be the front of the shirt and the color orgy is on the back. I really hope all 80 girls really like this one because I think it's just awesome.

So now I'm trying to think of one more cool theme idea.

I need to get more clothes. Andf I'm torn. There's a bunch of stuff from Urban Outfitters I wanted for Christmas and didn't get. I didn't get any clothes for christmas besides new jammies. I need new shirts. I'd like one more pant-but I only like these one pants now-so maybe I'll just stick to shirts. OH I need a dress! For Semi-formal!! AND one that a boy will like now that I've got one to impress :P

Just 3 more pounds and I'll be slightly happy about going back to school. It's day 3 of my old ways and it never fails me how awesome the third day is. Finally you're afraid to fuck up what you've accomplished. Then you're still in this limbo of feeling good that you havn't eaten much. Just a little longer and that goes away...because then anything you eat becomes too much. But just let me bask in it for a little bit.

Alrighty. I think I might try sl for a bit. I'm always slightly let down when I get on. Either no one is on or everyone is on or someone is on but it's like I'm playing 20 questions trying to catch up. Not that I mind but I feel bad askingaskingasking when people are probably busy doing stuff.

Maybe I'll just Stumble a bit...

Be Kind. Rewind.

I want to go back. I want to go back. I want to go anywhere but here. Gone.

I want to see my therapist. I want to tell her everything and I know I can't because everything would take more than an hour.

Today My Aunt(dad's sister), uncle, and cousin came over to our house(mom's) for dinner. It's weird-seperated family getting back together. Reminds me of my graduation party. I loved that party. I loved it when people came back and saw the lives they were missing. Ha.

Anyways they came over-I got chrismtas presents. BURBERRY BRIT perfume-oohhh it smells so good. Adam has the boy kind...but I wanted it way before anything was going on because I just loved the smell of his so much. I got some bath and body works stuff, blah blah. Then dinner.

During dinner somehow Someone brought up the fact that I was going to be a vegan-pretty sure it was Adam. And everyone went crazy. How are you going to get your vitamins?! How are you going to get calcium?! I didn't want to explain it. I've gotten so sick of explaining it. I just want to be left alone. I'm not even doing it right now-I'm starting when school gets back. But they kept pressing-even my uncle who is awesome was like-I wanna hear this. Suddenly I just wanted to blow. To say FUCK OFF ALL OF YOU. It pisses me off when they say I'm not eating right. WHO THE FUCK EATS 'RIGHT'? No one. No one. And No One has any authority to scrutinize my eating habits.

Then that led into Laura freaking out because I don't tell her anything. She found out through my aunt that Adam will be my potential boyfriend. That's another they didn't get. Potential boyfriend.
Why not just say he's your boyfriend?
Because it's college mom. It's not the same.
I just don't understand why.
IT'S DIFFERENT. IT'S NOT THE REAL WORLD.

They don't get that everything they did isn't the same now. We're not girlfriend/boyfriend because we didn't want to hurry whatever this is along. We don't want to fuck it up. Calling ourselves boyfriend-girlfriend...brings us past that point of ever just being the way things were...well i guess we broke that that one night I told you about.Ha.

Anyways. I don't like being here. Monitored. Questioned. I hate talking to my mom. Something I never thought would happen. She's different. I know she's depressed or sad. She's got to be with Dave. Sometimes I kind of feel bad for her. Then realize she brought this on herself. Maybe if she didn't move Dave in when my dad was moving out. Maybe if I didn't see her making out with Dave before the divorce was final. Maybe if I didn't find pictures of the two of them sneaking around towns smooching while my parents were still together. Maybe then I would feel sorry. Sorry that she jumped off the tracks and i'm not home to push her back on.

Someone. Just take me back to school. Get me out of this house for the day. For the week. Time is just so slow right now.

I Have Finally Found.

Words that express what I-what it feels like-too try and kill off half of yourself-to feel like you don't deserve to be happy-to cut away at the thing you hate most.

I read the book Wasted by Marya Hornbacher. I wanted to read it when I was at my worst...which dosn't really feel like it was "the worst" after reading her book. But I kept passing it up when I went to buy a new book thinking that if the cashier saw the book with anorexia and bulimia written on the front-everyone would know that I had attempted the same. Done the same? I don't like considering myself either of those...because I have it twisted in my mind that if you're going to be called that-you better be sick...and I'm not sick. Well, not sick enough.

I read the book on the way back from Boyne, Michigan. My dad took us up to go skiing over the New Years. It was an amazing vacation. I'm already hating being back in reality. To make it more bitter-sweet Adam left for his geology trip yesterday-the day I came back. SO I wont be seeing him till I go back to school. He said he was going to be at school the whole weekend before because their plane gets back on friday. He said I should try to come back Saturday, but that's not going to happen because I have no way to get there.
But anyways, on the way back I was thinking about relationships and why I had never had one...and reading the book it made me realize that I did have one-with my other self. The one that told me to close myself off from everyone-to recoil at the slightest touch-to lie when asked how I am-to lie in general about how I was running my life. I never cared to have a boyfriend because I didn't want to have someone touching me-someone needing my attention when I could only focus it all to myself. Most of all, someone to make me feel happy and good about myself...because that other voice yelled that I sure didn't deserve it.

Now I'm at a crossroads again-and I keep trying to think how I can go down both at the same time. Adam, for once in my life, distracts me from trying to punish myself for everything that I've ruined. For some reason I don't feel like the huge, fat, monster my brian keeps telling me I've become-when he touches me...because everyone else does. I trust him...and it scares me. I want to be with him-but I'm not going to lie...that book brought back the memories of having that control-the idea of pushing your body to its limits because you want to do anything to destroy it.

I don't want it to be over. Just one more go at shrinking down. Chasing after that original high. I just want to be there again. I'm not going to be able to do it after college. Well maybe...I still have grad school...but it's not the same...I have to do it again. I just want to feel clean and empty and tight and cold and the feeling of pushing myself with nothing in me. I need to read that book again-I need to highlight all the parts where she wrote what I've wanted to say for so long.

"After a lifetime of silence, it is difficult then to speak...you find your lexicon vastly insufficient: the words lack shape and taste, temperature and weight...the acid of bile, the metallic tang of blood."