Monday, June 30, 2008

Bind Me into a Tight Lifeless Ball

I'm so tired.
So much working.
But now I'm free!!!
Free for a week.
When I woke up today I felt awful. I was so unbelievably tired. I didn't want to talk. It took so much just to open my mouth. And I had to go to work for 8 hours. I still havn't started my paper and it's due b the end of the day tomorrow. I'll need to work on it during the drive up to michigan.

Bllaaahhhh my throat hurts. You can guess why. I drank some hungarian tea(REAL!) and it helped a bit. My head hurts now. I'm trying to drink loads of water to stay hydrated. Oh I'm so tired :/

Sunday, June 29, 2008

One Hundred

This is my 100th post. And I have nothing interesting to say.

I think I might journey back to last fall when I first started this thing. Read some of my old post.

Ahhh almost done with this working spree.

Today I worked from 7-3:30. Or at least I was scheduled to. My manager didn't get there till 8 am. SO I was outside for an hour. No fun. I got a lot of research done though. And it was an easy hour :)

I ended at 3:30 and went home-I forgot what I did after that. But my dad came up around 4:45. We went to Men's Warehouse to get their tuxes. Then we went to DSW and I got new high heels ^_^ I really like them. It will be interesting standing in them in the grass...walking up to the alter in the grass...oh well. They make your legs look good. Then he took us to Houlihans. Came back to the house and I tried working on my paper. My head dosn't feel too good and I'm super tired from closing and opening then closing and opening.

I just need to write it now and once I get started it shouldn't be too bad. I just need to figure out how to start it. And I dont know if I should talke about how each layer of beds was deposited then what they are composed of. OR should I List the different beds, say what they are composed of then say how they would be deposited?

So now I have to write it tomorrow. I brushed and flossed and mouthwashed my teeth to death. I love that clean feeling. However now they just ache which I think is radiating up to my head. I'm drinking some tea and it feels gooooooooood. Annie I don't think I like that new tea. The licorice root in it taste too licorice-y. Do you want it?

I'm watching the Wedding Crashers right now. I love this movie. Speaking of weddings! I'm really excited for my dad's. Wednesday I get to have a manicure and pedicure when the bridesmaids go out. There's 3 of us and then the bride. My feet look nasty. I still have clauses from dance. My nails are awful too. Ahhh I just want monday to be over. I want this paper done. And I want my teeth to stop hurting. Is that too much to ask for?

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Through A Wall

My mouth taste like sugar. Really it does! But I havn't had any. Maybe it was from the apple I had? I know fruits are sugary.

My mom just ticks me off sooooo much. I can't wait to be gone a week. This night just sucks.
I came home from working all day and her and dave are watching TV. Well not really watching. They're asleep. So I go on the computer hoping they'll go up to bed after the TV show is done. Nope. They just have to watch the news! Oh wait-fall asleep to the news? It's pointless and it pisses me off. So they finally start going upstairs and she says goodnight to me 50394878 times. Just once! Twice is more than enough! Then she comes downstairs when my brother gets home and yells at him over stupid crap. She then asks me 3862897 questions that she asked me earlier. It's just so FREAKING annoying.

I'm watching The Others right now. About to watch The Silence of the Lambs. I've never seen it before. I shouldn't be watching it. I have to go to bed at 12 because I have to work at 7 am :/

I felt like I was doing so well. SO well not eating much. Today I only had a bowl of Raisin bran and then some baby carrots, an apple, and a few peanuts. I weighed myself. Same as last week...or I think it was last week? I can't get my days straight any more. But still. I did do it at night though apposed to in the morning like I did the other. I'll try tomorrow morning. It's probably because I havn't had time to work out. It just makes me so mad. It makes me feel even worse. But I think this is what it was like at first. It starts out slow. Too slow. Then it will get better.

AHHHH I DONT WANT TO WORK. I have to get my paper done tomorrow. I want to write more but I'm so tired. Work is taking so much out of me and I still have 2 more 8 hour days left.

Friday, June 27, 2008

It's a little person!

I'm watching Willy Wonka- Le hotty Johnny Depp version.

I decided to steal the tarot card reading quiz from Willow...


You are The Moon


Hope, expectation, Bright promises.


The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.


The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.


What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.



hmmm...

Today I worked from 6am to 2 pm. It was just ugh. I only got 3 hours of sleep-which was all my fault. I had a bowl of cereal before I left-which I always have in the morning. However today I purged it up. Fruity Pebbles. My throat has never hurt so bad. I was even more naseous after because of it. Luckily I made it across the street on my break to get some warm decaf coffee. That helped it a bit.
When I got home I just hung out for awhile until 6:30. I went to see my friend Annie at Starbucks. We talked about how much we missed being at our lowest weights. We talked about the few pictures we have at that point. I can only hope to get there again.

And I've been thinking. I really think that after this restriction I'm going to have to get help for it. I know I can't live like this. I can't spend my whole life hating the way I look. I can't spend every summer in my house just so I won't have to put on shorts. I hope I'll still feel that way when I get lower. If I get lower. It seems like I'll never get there.

In other news!
Tuesday I go up to michigan!!! No post or sl visits for me for about a week. Unless I get over to the coffee shop. Sounds like we'll be really busy though :/
I'm excited for the wedding. I'll see my relatives from out of state.
I should go to bed :/ work at 1 pm till 9:30 pm tomorrow. Then 7am-3:30pm Sunday :/

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Ripped Socks

So I was at work and started thinking about some questions. Then I went online and found some more. I'm thinking I might post a new one every blogging. But today I thought I'd throw a few out there.

Why does everybody enjoy it so much when someone else gets into trouble?

In elementary school in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic here? Do tall people burn slower?


If money's the root of all evil why do the churches want it?

And why does my mother annoy me so much?

It's 11 pm and I need to be at work at 6 am tomorrow. 6 fucking am. GAY. DO you know what time the store opens? UH 9 am. DUMB. Whatever.

Running Away from the Pillows

It's nearly 2 am. I should be getting to sleep because I need to work on a geology paper tomorrow.

At the moment I'm really disappointed in myself all because off Willow C's post. I was around 14 when I first joined sl? It's kind of funny, because even with the credit card a must I still got in. They obviously didn't think about kids with naive parents. Seriously. Kids are getting so much smarter at outwitting their parents now. I can see why there's an age restriction on sl. Back in the day it wasn't so bad though. People were different back then. It just seemed like everyone I met had just a genuine feel to themselves. Now when I go to Ahern I feel like I'm looking at shells of materialistic hopefuls that want to kick off their first day in sl with a shopping spree. Ok, maybe they aren't ALL that way.

Moving to SL was a complete shock to me. I had been an active member in TSO. I was part of this huge mafia family and one day it just crumbled. But I found this guy and we started talking. I think he was a few years older than me. Anyways-we were "bf/gf" for awhile and I really got to know his "family". They slowly stopped playing TSO and I was informed about SL. Not wanting to be completely left out again I quickly transfered over.

The name game was easy for me. The first name I thought was "Hallie". I first heard the name in the movie The Parent Trap-with Lindsay Lohan. I don't really know why I like it, but for some reason I think it just goes with me. It dosn't have any cool meaning, which is something I normally look for. It means home ruler/from the hall. Real gay. And Greenstein was just a big mistake. I wanted to be Gardner like the family I came with but a slip of the mouse forever cursed me to be a Greenstein. I was really bitter about it at first, but now I think I'm just used to it.

My first sl av was much like the shifting daemons in the Golden Compass. I was every nursery rhyme character, a mermaid, a fairy, Dorothy, and then finally a child av. I was very against the idea of growing up as a young girl, so I think that's what settled it. Child avs kinda creep me out though. I mean I love being cute and cuddly, but when I see another one I just want to shake them. The baby talk just kills me. Which is why I never did it...or at least hardly did. Now the only child avs I see look like baby prostitutes. Maybe I just don't get out enough.

Recently my avs grown up a bit. I miss having a pixel turning av sometimes, but I'm tired of my av looking ridiculous in anything but kids clothes. I think it also kind of reflects my personality now. I've changed after college for a year. My personality just dosn't fit a child avs body as much as it used to.

Well thats the SL recap.
For the RL recap!

I was doing so well the past few weeks until tonight. We had to go eat dinner with my g-pa. I had a portobello mushroom burger thing. And then Creme Brulee. I came home and snacked on a few more things, which I attempted to throw up. I know I didn't get my full dinner up though. So now I just feel like shit. I just keep thinking tomorrow. No food no food. Going to starbucks for coffee, but no food.

I need to work on a geology paper for school. Which is why I'm going to starbucks. The thing I hate about drinking coffee now is that I'm already getting a shit ton of caffiene from the ephedra pills. Now I'm just getting another dose of it. But I just looooovvveeee coffee! I could get tea. But I want a latte. Thanks a latte!

I also need to bike tomorrow. I have a feeling I wont though. I have very specific conditions for when I bike. The trail has to be practically barren of people. I hate having to call out to people to get out of my way. The temperature has to be fairly cool too. That's all I ask for.

I'm so tired. I should really be getting to bed!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

9 Crimes

Damien Rice. 9 Crimes. Download it.

Here's a post from yesterday-
Normally I wait till the vary end of the day to post but I couldn't help it.

Worked from 6-2:30 today. I went to bed around 3 for no reason. It really sucked.

Then after work I went to David's Bridal by Fox Valley Mall. Picked up my dress and god it's awful. It is a nasty A-line.
I could have had this dress in black! It was so pretty. http://www.davidsbridal.com/bridesmaids_detail.jsp?stid=2817&prodgroup=110
But then the other bridesmaid couldn't find it in her size. so now I get this piece of shit.
http://www.davidsbridal.com/bridesmaids_detail.jsp?stid=1674&prodgroup=110
DUMB.

So right now I'm depressed. Well I shouldn't say that. Just sad. Our sattelite is out and I threw in a movie. Well the movie is my grandparent's 40th anniversary tape. It's my mom's mom and dad. My grandma has had alzheimers since I was in middle school. Now she's gotten to the point where she dosn't know any of us. The past two years I havn't gone to see her. I'm too afraid to rememeber my grandma like that. I want to remember sleeping over at her house and her making us waffles and macaroni and cheese. But sometimes I wonder if she would want me to come see her. I wonder if just trying to forget about her is the worst thing I can do. Just seeing all these pictures of her so happy makes me so sad because I know if she could see herself now she would be so unhappy. She was always so afraid to get alzheimers. One time my granny(dad's mom) brought up how my grandma was such a wonderful person and it's such a shame it had to happen to her. And it's true. I don't know why any god would let that happen to someone. To forget all your memories. To forget your family. To forget yourself. It has to be the worse way to die. Sometimes I wish that she would just die. Because I knew it's better than the state she is right now and better than she'll ever be again. I just miss my grandma. It makes me sad that she;s was my mom's best friend. Who she used to call everyday and now she's not there anymore. Ok. I need to stop bawling my eyes out.

End yesterdays entry

I'm working like crazy
I hate how heavy again.
I'm hardly eating anything. I hate how I always think this is a quick fix. At least I havn't been binging at all.
I'm so excited to be off work for 2 days.
I can't wait to go on sl.
I have to pee really badly right now!
I'm going to!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Baking Soda

I just gargled baking soda.

*side note before I start into it all. I slightly hate that I use this blog as a journal for my eating problem. Because it's not just me reading it. I don't want you to think this is all that's in my life. I've got other things going on. Other stories. It's all in my other blog though. The one my best friends use as a way to catch up on what we all are doing. Which is what this one should be about too right? The thing is that if I don't write about this stuff or talk about it...it's just stuck in my head. I'm just stuck by myself. Alone again.*

So why did I gargle baking soda you might ask? Well I threw up my dinner.
Today I woke up early to go to work. At 8 am. I know, it's not that early but it is for me! I've turned into a big oversleeper since college. I think I've gained a bunch of sleep back though from it because I'm not sleeping as long any more. I went to work and found out my manager switched my schedule times. I was supposed to go in at 4pm instead. Awesome. As I came back home I thought about biking around the praire preservation/bike path down the road from me. But then I saw a bunch of people on it so I didn't go. I don't like it when lots of people are there. I like being a lone. And I like working out at night anyways. I'm much more pepped up to do stuff.

Instead of working or working out I sat myself down at the computer. I started getting hungry around 11:30 and popped one of my diet pills. To make myself even less hungry I watched this documentary on youtube called "thin". It's really good. You should watch it. It's on an eating disorder clinic. Anyways, I watched that and then some more videos on it. Some of them just made me scared. Scared that this could actually kill me. I guess it's good to be afraid from it, but then I look in the mirror and it's like-well nothings happenening to you any time soon. When I was at my lowest I actually was scarred. I would have stomach pains in the morning and I remember just eating breakfast sometimes because I was afraid my insides were eating themselves or something. It sucks because today my mind felt like it was 2 years ago. Able to control what I'm eating. I didn't eat anything but a salad, which I got at work when my manager got hungry and asked the rest of us if we wanted something. I got home and threw up some. I ate some peanut m&ms and a cheese stick. Drank some water to help liquify it all and headed for the bathroom.

While there I thought "well everyone probably does this. Everyone throws up their meals sometimes. Everyone only has like one meal a day. Everyone restricts themselves."

But they dont. Do they?

Monday, June 16, 2008

It's not all that bad.

This summer I mean. It's not as bad as I was expecting it.

Work is keeping me busy in a good way. My new manager, who is awesome, always has stuff for me to do and it isn't just busy work or the same thing I did the day before. It's making me like my job more...however it makes me HATE little kids even more.

My friends are busy working too so it's not just me. One of them is in Chicago going to summer school at Columbia college which is an art school. She's an awesome photographer. We did a "photoshoot" yesterday for her final. I'm excited to see the pictures. Another one of my friends is driving back and forth to this town called Chesterfield. I have no idea where it is. Her "boyfriend" is there. I think they just have sex and smoke pot. My other two friends are working like crazy.

I'm going to Michigan from July 2nd to the 7th. My dad is getting married at his house in Ann Arbor. I like his fiance. She's really nice. Her ADD annoys me sometimes but...she can't help it. Her son annoys the crap out of me though. He's like 6 and I swear he has ADD and ADHD. I'm a bridesmaid too. I'm glad I'm not the maid of honor. My dad asked my brother to be his best man, which I guess makes sence because he's my dad's son. But I would never want to give one of those speeches.

Then I'm back till the end of July. There's this festival called Bix out in Rock island/Davenport, Iowa. My school is in Rock Island. It's a jazz festival that has been a good excuse to get all the greeks back together. I'm excited to see everyone again and make new memories.

After that I think I'll just be sticking it out till the start of school August 25th. It's starting a lot earlier this year which I love! AND it's ending at the same time, which is also awesome! I want to be at school as much as possible. Sophmore year is going to be amazing. I live on a floor with a chunk of my pledge class and a few of my other friends who are independants(not greek). It'll be one big party!

I'm cold.

Friday, June 13, 2008

P.S

If I was anyone readin this blog no matter what their relationship with me is I would be thinking:

Why does she complain about everything.
Oh she's cutting herself now? Just wants MORE attention.
Maybe if she wants to get thin she should pick her lazy ass up and go work out for once.
Her other friends are right to criticize her sorority. Look what they put her through so she could be friends with them. Why would ANYONE do that?! She dosn't have to pay for friends like us.

Yet Again...

I would give anything(well not really) to go back to the day of my last post. Why?
1.) My sorority formal and every weekend/day after absolutely made the rest of my freshman year
2.) Just to be back at college again.
3.) To be around my role models again.

I want soooo badly to quick write all the amazing things that happened the end of my freshman year, but I know I wont be able to recall the feelings and emotions nearly as well as I could have.
If your up for an intense reading session- I have another blog which I've been better about keeping up. Really the most important are about the first two pages. There's some things about pledging and a few weekends after it.

For those who don't want to read-here's some updates/problems/recollections :

Number 1!- as much as I loved the end of my freshman year, I also felt constantly depressed. Pledging changed a lot of things for me. I was always nervous during it. So nervous I didn't have an appetite. This shouldn't be a big deal because well we all know I have issues in that department. So I only ate dinner really for 5 weeks, and it usually consisted of a few picks at a salad. I hardly was ever happy, because I was so stressed out. I was almost always sad thinking we were the worst pledges ever(even though we were actually REALLY good). I studied 80 girls name,hometown, major,and nickname hours each night along with paragraphs of history we needed to know word for word. Not to forget at least 10 songs a week, which we had to know by the date they were made. It was soooo much. Every Sunday we would have these things called "inquiry" which consisted of them taking us to the tennis courts(we were founded by a tennis club). They lined us up along the court in our alphabetical line we were always in. Then they quizzed us one by one down the line on our memorization. The first night I came home crying. Mainly out of dissappointment in myself/my pledge class. I knew my stuff, but it didn't matter. We ALL had to know it. To sum it up-I've never cried so much in my life. And those who know me-know I hardly ever cry. My mindset was COMPLETELY different. Different enough that instead of finding my friends to vent to I took it out on myself. Which involved dragging my new leatherman knife along my forearm.

So I picked up a new bad habit. Since then I havn't done any more, but I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to do it again. The only thing holding me back is that it's the summer...and my dad's getting married. Of course my bridesmaid dress is spaghetti strapped. The scars are still there, and they still have a ways to go.

Pledging sucked, but I feel that I've gotten so much more out of it. The bad thing is I feel like I've kind of lost the original group I began with. They helped me during pledging, but after I felt more distant from them. They hate it when I wear my sorority jacket and the one night a week I sat at the sorority table instead of them. I know their reasons. It just sucks when they don't listen to mine.

2.)Somehow during the last weeks of school I managed to tell Adam about my eating problem. He wouldn't stop asking me how much I weighed. So I told him. But Taylor walked in halfway through the whole story so he dosn't know why it bothers me so much now. It's just so hard. People still tell me "ohhh you're so thin" and I feel like they're just lying to make me feel better. I see all the places where there used to be bone and now-lets just say there isn't. I hate remembering how thin I used to be. I knew I was thin then. I wanted to be thinner, but I knew I was thin. I just feel huge now. I feel like I'm still that thin girl but then I look in the mirror and it's like "who's that?" I feel like I've lost a part of me. Something I used to have so much control over. I'm trying to start exercising and things but it's so hard because dancing was soooo much more fun. I've been out of it too long to go back to it. And I'm going to look awful at my dad's wedding. I don't feel like thinking about it anymore.

3.)I went on my trip to the Badlands! I found a lot of really cool things. I met this Professor out there who was really cool and I've kept in touch with him. He's into bio and stuff though. I think I might go out again next year? Oh and pictures can be seen on facebook!

ok so I'd write more but I have to work tomorrow morning. Back at good ol' Petsmart!