9 Crimes

Damien Rice. 9 Crimes. Download it.

Here's a post from yesterday-
Normally I wait till the vary end of the day to post but I couldn't help it.

Worked from 6-2:30 today. I went to bed around 3 for no reason. It really sucked.

Then after work I went to David's Bridal by Fox Valley Mall. Picked up my dress and god it's awful. It is a nasty A-line.
I could have had this dress in black! It was so pretty. http://www.davidsbridal.com/bridesmaids_detail.jsp?stid=2817&prodgroup=110
But then the other bridesmaid couldn't find it in her size. so now I get this piece of shit.
http://www.davidsbridal.com/bridesmaids_detail.jsp?stid=1674&prodgroup=110
DUMB.

So right now I'm depressed. Well I shouldn't say that. Just sad. Our sattelite is out and I threw in a movie. Well the movie is my grandparent's 40th anniversary tape. It's my mom's mom and dad. My grandma has had alzheimers since I was in middle school. Now she's gotten to the point where she dosn't know any of us. The past two years I havn't gone to see her. I'm too afraid to rememeber my grandma like that. I want to remember sleeping over at her house and her making us waffles and macaroni and cheese. But sometimes I wonder if she would want me to come see her. I wonder if just trying to forget about her is the worst thing I can do. Just seeing all these pictures of her so happy makes me so sad because I know if she could see herself now she would be so unhappy. She was always so afraid to get alzheimers. One time my granny(dad's mom) brought up how my grandma was such a wonderful person and it's such a shame it had to happen to her. And it's true. I don't know why any god would let that happen to someone. To forget all your memories. To forget your family. To forget yourself. It has to be the worse way to die. Sometimes I wish that she would just die. Because I knew it's better than the state she is right now and better than she'll ever be again. I just miss my grandma. It makes me sad that she;s was my mom's best friend. Who she used to call everyday and now she's not there anymore. Ok. I need to stop bawling my eyes out.

End yesterdays entry

I'm working like crazy
I hate how heavy again.
I'm hardly eating anything. I hate how I always think this is a quick fix. At least I havn't been binging at all.
I'm so excited to be off work for 2 days.
I can't wait to go on sl.
I have to pee really badly right now!
I'm going to!

Baking Soda

I just gargled baking soda.

*side note before I start into it all. I slightly hate that I use this blog as a journal for my eating problem. Because it's not just me reading it. I don't want you to think this is all that's in my life. I've got other things going on. Other stories. It's all in my other blog though. The one my best friends use as a way to catch up on what we all are doing. Which is what this one should be about too right? The thing is that if I don't write about this stuff or talk about it...it's just stuck in my head. I'm just stuck by myself. Alone again.*

So why did I gargle baking soda you might ask? Well I threw up my dinner.
Today I woke up early to go to work. At 8 am. I know, it's not that early but it is for me! I've turned into a big oversleeper since college. I think I've gained a bunch of sleep back though from it because I'm not sleeping as long any more. I went to work and found out my manager switched my schedule times. I was supposed to go in at 4pm instead. Awesome. As I came back home I thought about biking around the praire preservation/bike path down the road from me. But then I saw a bunch of people on it so I didn't go. I don't like it when lots of people are there. I like being a lone. And I like working out at night anyways. I'm much more pepped up to do stuff.

Instead of working or working out I sat myself down at the computer. I started getting hungry around 11:30 and popped one of my diet pills. To make myself even less hungry I watched this documentary on youtube called "thin". It's really good. You should watch it. It's on an eating disorder clinic. Anyways, I watched that and then some more videos on it. Some of them just made me scared. Scared that this could actually kill me. I guess it's good to be afraid from it, but then I look in the mirror and it's like-well nothings happenening to you any time soon. When I was at my lowest I actually was scarred. I would have stomach pains in the morning and I remember just eating breakfast sometimes because I was afraid my insides were eating themselves or something. It sucks because today my mind felt like it was 2 years ago. Able to control what I'm eating. I didn't eat anything but a salad, which I got at work when my manager got hungry and asked the rest of us if we wanted something. I got home and threw up some. I ate some peanut m&ms and a cheese stick. Drank some water to help liquify it all and headed for the bathroom.

While there I thought "well everyone probably does this. Everyone throws up their meals sometimes. Everyone only has like one meal a day. Everyone restricts themselves."

But they dont. Do they?

It's not all that bad.

This summer I mean. It's not as bad as I was expecting it.

Work is keeping me busy in a good way. My new manager, who is awesome, always has stuff for me to do and it isn't just busy work or the same thing I did the day before. It's making me like my job more...however it makes me HATE little kids even more.

My friends are busy working too so it's not just me. One of them is in Chicago going to summer school at Columbia college which is an art school. She's an awesome photographer. We did a "photoshoot" yesterday for her final. I'm excited to see the pictures. Another one of my friends is driving back and forth to this town called Chesterfield. I have no idea where it is. Her "boyfriend" is there. I think they just have sex and smoke pot. My other two friends are working like crazy.

I'm going to Michigan from July 2nd to the 7th. My dad is getting married at his house in Ann Arbor. I like his fiance. She's really nice. Her ADD annoys me sometimes but...she can't help it. Her son annoys the crap out of me though. He's like 6 and I swear he has ADD and ADHD. I'm a bridesmaid too. I'm glad I'm not the maid of honor. My dad asked my brother to be his best man, which I guess makes sence because he's my dad's son. But I would never want to give one of those speeches.

Then I'm back till the end of July. There's this festival called Bix out in Rock island/Davenport, Iowa. My school is in Rock Island. It's a jazz festival that has been a good excuse to get all the greeks back together. I'm excited to see everyone again and make new memories.

After that I think I'll just be sticking it out till the start of school August 25th. It's starting a lot earlier this year which I love! AND it's ending at the same time, which is also awesome! I want to be at school as much as possible. Sophmore year is going to be amazing. I live on a floor with a chunk of my pledge class and a few of my other friends who are independants(not greek). It'll be one big party!

I'm cold.

P.S

If I was anyone readin this blog no matter what their relationship with me is I would be thinking:

Why does she complain about everything.
Oh she's cutting herself now? Just wants MORE attention.
Maybe if she wants to get thin she should pick her lazy ass up and go work out for once.
Her other friends are right to criticize her sorority. Look what they put her through so she could be friends with them. Why would ANYONE do that?! She dosn't have to pay for friends like us.

Yet Again...

I would give anything(well not really) to go back to the day of my last post. Why?
1.) My sorority formal and every weekend/day after absolutely made the rest of my freshman year
2.) Just to be back at college again.
3.) To be around my role models again.

I want soooo badly to quick write all the amazing things that happened the end of my freshman year, but I know I wont be able to recall the feelings and emotions nearly as well as I could have.
If your up for an intense reading session- I have another blog which I've been better about keeping up. Really the most important are about the first two pages. There's some things about pledging and a few weekends after it.

For those who don't want to read-here's some updates/problems/recollections :

Number 1!- as much as I loved the end of my freshman year, I also felt constantly depressed. Pledging changed a lot of things for me. I was always nervous during it. So nervous I didn't have an appetite. This shouldn't be a big deal because well we all know I have issues in that department. So I only ate dinner really for 5 weeks, and it usually consisted of a few picks at a salad. I hardly was ever happy, because I was so stressed out. I was almost always sad thinking we were the worst pledges ever(even though we were actually REALLY good). I studied 80 girls name,hometown, major,and nickname hours each night along with paragraphs of history we needed to know word for word. Not to forget at least 10 songs a week, which we had to know by the date they were made. It was soooo much. Every Sunday we would have these things called "inquiry" which consisted of them taking us to the tennis courts(we were founded by a tennis club). They lined us up along the court in our alphabetical line we were always in. Then they quizzed us one by one down the line on our memorization. The first night I came home crying. Mainly out of dissappointment in myself/my pledge class. I knew my stuff, but it didn't matter. We ALL had to know it. To sum it up-I've never cried so much in my life. And those who know me-know I hardly ever cry. My mindset was COMPLETELY different. Different enough that instead of finding my friends to vent to I took it out on myself. Which involved dragging my new leatherman knife along my forearm.

So I picked up a new bad habit. Since then I havn't done any more, but I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to do it again. The only thing holding me back is that it's the summer...and my dad's getting married. Of course my bridesmaid dress is spaghetti strapped. The scars are still there, and they still have a ways to go.

Pledging sucked, but I feel that I've gotten so much more out of it. The bad thing is I feel like I've kind of lost the original group I began with. They helped me during pledging, but after I felt more distant from them. They hate it when I wear my sorority jacket and the one night a week I sat at the sorority table instead of them. I know their reasons. It just sucks when they don't listen to mine.

2.)Somehow during the last weeks of school I managed to tell Adam about my eating problem. He wouldn't stop asking me how much I weighed. So I told him. But Taylor walked in halfway through the whole story so he dosn't know why it bothers me so much now. It's just so hard. People still tell me "ohhh you're so thin" and I feel like they're just lying to make me feel better. I see all the places where there used to be bone and now-lets just say there isn't. I hate remembering how thin I used to be. I knew I was thin then. I wanted to be thinner, but I knew I was thin. I just feel huge now. I feel like I'm still that thin girl but then I look in the mirror and it's like "who's that?" I feel like I've lost a part of me. Something I used to have so much control over. I'm trying to start exercising and things but it's so hard because dancing was soooo much more fun. I've been out of it too long to go back to it. And I'm going to look awful at my dad's wedding. I don't feel like thinking about it anymore.

3.)I went on my trip to the Badlands! I found a lot of really cool things. I met this Professor out there who was really cool and I've kept in touch with him. He's into bio and stuff though. I think I might go out again next year? Oh and pictures can be seen on facebook!

ok so I'd write more but I have to work tomorrow morning. Back at good ol' Petsmart!

You are forgiven

I've sprained my chest
My first year of college is almost over. COLLEGE! One year gone already!
I'm going on a geology trip this summer back out to the badlands with my friends. It's going to be amazing.
I'm done pledging...I'm not sure if any post about that made it to my blog. I can't remember if I wrote about it here. Basically the hardest thing I've ever mentally done. It was worth it.
I can't stop listening to The General- by Dispatch
We had a tornado warning but it never came :(
I miss my sl friends. I feel like I havn't talked to anyone in FOREVER. Well I really havn't... I hope everyone still goes on lots this summer! Some of the most amazing people I've ever met are on sl. I'd hate to lose that.

This fight is not worth fighting....noooooo

Tomorrow night is our sorority final! I'm so excited! We stay at a hotel and dance and drink and have SO MUCH FUN! But I have to go to church the next morning. I don't know how I'm going to get there...