Yet Again...

I would give anything(well not really) to go back to the day of my last post. Why?
1.) My sorority formal and every weekend/day after absolutely made the rest of my freshman year
2.) Just to be back at college again.
3.) To be around my role models again.

I want soooo badly to quick write all the amazing things that happened the end of my freshman year, but I know I wont be able to recall the feelings and emotions nearly as well as I could have.
If your up for an intense reading session- I have another blog which I've been better about keeping up. Really the most important are about the first two pages. There's some things about pledging and a few weekends after it.

For those who don't want to read-here's some updates/problems/recollections :

Number 1!- as much as I loved the end of my freshman year, I also felt constantly depressed. Pledging changed a lot of things for me. I was always nervous during it. So nervous I didn't have an appetite. This shouldn't be a big deal because well we all know I have issues in that department. So I only ate dinner really for 5 weeks, and it usually consisted of a few picks at a salad. I hardly was ever happy, because I was so stressed out. I was almost always sad thinking we were the worst pledges ever(even though we were actually REALLY good). I studied 80 girls name,hometown, major,and nickname hours each night along with paragraphs of history we needed to know word for word. Not to forget at least 10 songs a week, which we had to know by the date they were made. It was soooo much. Every Sunday we would have these things called "inquiry" which consisted of them taking us to the tennis courts(we were founded by a tennis club). They lined us up along the court in our alphabetical line we were always in. Then they quizzed us one by one down the line on our memorization. The first night I came home crying. Mainly out of dissappointment in myself/my pledge class. I knew my stuff, but it didn't matter. We ALL had to know it. To sum it up-I've never cried so much in my life. And those who know me-know I hardly ever cry. My mindset was COMPLETELY different. Different enough that instead of finding my friends to vent to I took it out on myself. Which involved dragging my new leatherman knife along my forearm.

So I picked up a new bad habit. Since then I havn't done any more, but I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to do it again. The only thing holding me back is that it's the summer...and my dad's getting married. Of course my bridesmaid dress is spaghetti strapped. The scars are still there, and they still have a ways to go.

Pledging sucked, but I feel that I've gotten so much more out of it. The bad thing is I feel like I've kind of lost the original group I began with. They helped me during pledging, but after I felt more distant from them. They hate it when I wear my sorority jacket and the one night a week I sat at the sorority table instead of them. I know their reasons. It just sucks when they don't listen to mine.

2.)Somehow during the last weeks of school I managed to tell Adam about my eating problem. He wouldn't stop asking me how much I weighed. So I told him. But Taylor walked in halfway through the whole story so he dosn't know why it bothers me so much now. It's just so hard. People still tell me "ohhh you're so thin" and I feel like they're just lying to make me feel better. I see all the places where there used to be bone and now-lets just say there isn't. I hate remembering how thin I used to be. I knew I was thin then. I wanted to be thinner, but I knew I was thin. I just feel huge now. I feel like I'm still that thin girl but then I look in the mirror and it's like "who's that?" I feel like I've lost a part of me. Something I used to have so much control over. I'm trying to start exercising and things but it's so hard because dancing was soooo much more fun. I've been out of it too long to go back to it. And I'm going to look awful at my dad's wedding. I don't feel like thinking about it anymore.

3.)I went on my trip to the Badlands! I found a lot of really cool things. I met this Professor out there who was really cool and I've kept in touch with him. He's into bio and stuff though. I think I might go out again next year? Oh and pictures can be seen on facebook!

ok so I'd write more but I have to work tomorrow morning. Back at good ol' Petsmart!