So SO much

I'm home on Easter break now. I'm home till Monday.

I'm in a sorority. My first choice one. It's so hard pledging. Here's a post from my other blog about my memorization night.

Pledging sucks. I havn't been hazed, it's just so much memorization. I don't want to let the girls down. I'm just so nervous, ALWAYS. I want to stop but I know I'll regret it. I know that in the end it will pay off. I'm meeting some really great girls. I cried for the first time in forever Sunday night. THat was memorization night. I didn't do bad-I did really well I think but we ALL have to do well-not just one. I memorized almost 70 girls full names including middle. I also learned 11 songs. Memorized some history and the greek alphabet. I truly can't explain this experience. I'm not myself anymore. I'm just so stressed out. Even right now I want to cry again. Tonight was ok. 4 more weeks. Way too long.

Sunday night I got back and had to do homework so went to go down to the lounge to talk to Adam and Nate. I went down and Adam was outside on the phone and he saw that I had been crying. So he got off the phone and told me to take a walk over to the tv lounge. I started crying a little again and he tried to make it better. The problem is no one knows what it's like. He just said to think "fuck them", but its impossible. As mean as the girls may be during pledging they're amazingly nice people outside of the hours. They're mean because they have to be. How else would we learn all this stuff if their was no pressure?

I just don't want to do this.

But I can't explain to you how important it is that I don't quit.


Now that I'm home I really can't explain it. It's a totally different mindset. It drains so much out of you. I'm constantly nervous and anxious. I'm constantly depressed. All of this stuff leads me to a lack of appetite. But I'm not sure if that's from pledging or the ephedra diet pills i bought.

I'm working on stuff for pledging right now. I can't believe I have 3 more weeks left.

I'm excited for easter but in a way I'm not. I love seeing my family and easter festivities. I don't want to eat everything tomorrow. I know I'm going to want to eat everything. I've lost 4 pounds this week. I dont want to ruin that. I think I already ruined it today. Oh update on the eating disorder: I never threw up anything I ate because whenever I tried it just didn't work. But after I got that weird flu, I can throw up now. I don't have to use my finger at all. I can just make it come up. I don't do it often. Only when I'm home. There's just so much junk I like to eat around here. I want to eat something now just so I can go throw it up and keep throwing up till I know my stomachs clear. I'm well aware that I'm still absorbing calories and what not...
I bought ephedra pills online. It's called Lipodrene? I can't remember if that's it or not. Spare me the diet pill schpeel.

I need to get back to work.

dihydrogen monoxide

Again, I havn't posted in awhile...

This is just like journaling. I buy myself a nice fancy journal and tell myself I'm going to write all of my thoughts down in it everyday. Well I do and then I start leaving things out in case people see it. So then I get bored of it because I'm just writing down what everyone else see's. I guess this isn't as bad but I'm so bad at remembering. I've been really good at posting to my other blog, that only my best friends see, so if you're dying to see if I'm really up to anything go here:
http://gonedancing3889.livejournal.com/

Anyways, I'm home on spring break now. I've been home since last wednesday. I have yet to go on sl. My credit card didn't work so I have to put in my moms since mine is almost expired. Once I do that I can go on. If I don't by March 11th they're terminate my account. The good thing about being away at school is that I havn't been able to go on sl and spend money, so I've got a ridiculous amount of money that will be worthless if I don't renew. I'm still debating about changing to a basic account? I like my weekly money but I never play it and no one is ever on when I'm on. Ugghhhh....

I'm over my missing-school-friend phase. The first couple I was really sad. Adam is in Austria/Hungary. I'm slightly jealous. I want to go to Europe soooo bad. I could've gone. I just don't have the money for it. He called me from Europe though! I guess he's been continuously drinking as should every underage-american should. I guess he had a liter of beer, 2 shots of chocolate liqour, and egg liqour which he found disqusting. He told me he found a souviner that I will REALLY like. I'm excited. My friends have decided that I'm in love with him...I know I like him again, but I know nothing could happen.

I'm going to downtown Chicago with my other friends from school on wednesday. Should be fun.

Tomorrow I'm going over to this kid Mike's house. He's from highschool. Just friends. He's really funny.

Friday I'm celebrating my birthday at my dad's house.

Saturday Adam is taking me to a dance competition his studio is performing in. Then I have to come back and celebrate my birthday with my mom and her side of the family.

Then sunday I go back to school. I have to go back early to see if I got accepted into a sorority. I still don't know if I want to be in a sorority. I'm so worried I wont get to see my friends as much. I don't think I'll know until I talk to Adam about it on saturday. He'll actually think about it.

I'm watching Memoirs of a Geisha right now. Such a good movie.

Today I went to the grocery store with my mom. We went down the international aisle and I found the british section. They had marmite! A little baby jar! It was cute.

Cold Night

Haha once again, I have not blogged for awhile and now I'm scrambling to make up for it.

First of all it's freakin cold here. 0 degrees! It hurts having to walk to classes. Literally.

Besides the cold I'm still sick! Called the doctor and they said I have the flu, but the reason I havn't gotten better is that I havn't been eating bland food. I guess I've adopted a bulimic mindset and ate anything I wanted because I knew I'd throw it up anyway. This week is being devoted to getting out of that.

Me and Brian are officially over. He's going out with this girl Adam was kind of after for a little until he found out she had no personality. We decided that Brian just uses her as a blowup doll. It's true! I think he realized that I wasn't going to have sex with him any time soon and just said f- it. I'm not upset or anything. I went into it knowing that it would probably happen. Now I just need to get his stuffed animal back to him...

Oh, Adam is my valentine this year. It was a last resort type deal. His roomate said I could get him sex for valentines day. I rejected that suggestion.

I got accepted to go on foreign term but had to turn it down. It's just way too much money. I'm sure it's probably a good deal, but it's a good deal at the wrong time. I also found out our dollar isn't worth shit over there. Therefore the best thing to do is have the brits come over here.

I must go to the coffee shop now! I feel like sketching

OMG

SNOW DAY.

I've been sick the past few days, i think.

Since monday I've thrown up every time after I eat. I don't feel sick. I'm tired from throwing up but not nauseous or queasy. When I throw up it;s like I've eaten too much and it's just coming back up.

If you think I'm making myself throw up, I'm not. I've already tried and it's never worked.

My friends are threatening to take me to the hospital if I keep throwing up. I love them for caring about me but I hate knowing that they will gladly drag me there even if I'm kicking and screaming not to go. I dont want to go.

School sucks this term. It's so hard. So much. I can't wait for this term to be over. I hate chemistry. It sucks.

I'm tired.

Say what you need to say

My weekend was terribly uneventful with the exception of last night. So much to catch up on.

Anyways. I stopped running after wednesday last week because of my ankles. When I walk or run I overpronate my foot...which means I basically only walk on the inner part of it. I think the picture best illustrates it. So weds. I ran 4 miles on the track. Completely ignored the pain because I was in that running stupor. It was amazing-but I'm paying for it now. It just feels worse everyday. I ordered new shoes though. REAL running shoes! I'm so excited. I want to go run again today. I think I'll go no matter what.

Last night I hung out with Brian. We "watched" Garden State. Don't you dare get any bad ideas because we did no such things! We just cuddled A LOT. A few kisses. Nothing to get excited about.
He was gone all weekend for a swim meet. So before he left he gave me his kid-stuffed animal panda. You know the toy you carry around like it depends on your life toy. It's all beat up and worn and I love it. He told me Petey dosn't like traveling so I need to take care of him. It was cute.
He also burned me a CD. It's basically all Iron and Wine. A few songs are Dashboard. I'm listening to it right now. Where there's gold.

Only one problem. Brian I guess likes to hook up with girls. I wasn't really worried about it, because that's not whats going on between us. But my friend Adam told me that he did stuff with girls over x-mas break...which we were talking and hanging out on. Adam told me that he and 2 of the other guys didn't think it would be a good idea for me to get involved with him because of his history. But then he said to just give it a chance-just don't trust him. He told me he wasn't going to tell me about it, but he didn't want anything bad to happen to me because I don't deserve that. I'm better than that. That made me happy.

I have rush this week. It's when you go to all the sororities and learn about them. Such a pain. I have to go buy new clothes. UGH.

I want to go home real bad. I have too much going on until feburary. GAY.

I've realized lately how much better my hairpulling has been. good.

I'm going to Walgreens today. Exciting. Too bad we'll be walking 10 minutes in the 3 degree whether...literally.

Time to go to dance.