So SO much

I'm home on Easter break now. I'm home till Monday.

I'm in a sorority. My first choice one. It's so hard pledging. Here's a post from my other blog about my memorization night.

Pledging sucks. I havn't been hazed, it's just so much memorization. I don't want to let the girls down. I'm just so nervous, ALWAYS. I want to stop but I know I'll regret it. I know that in the end it will pay off. I'm meeting some really great girls. I cried for the first time in forever Sunday night. THat was memorization night. I didn't do bad-I did really well I think but we ALL have to do well-not just one. I memorized almost 70 girls full names including middle. I also learned 11 songs. Memorized some history and the greek alphabet. I truly can't explain this experience. I'm not myself anymore. I'm just so stressed out. Even right now I want to cry again. Tonight was ok. 4 more weeks. Way too long.

Sunday night I got back and had to do homework so went to go down to the lounge to talk to Adam and Nate. I went down and Adam was outside on the phone and he saw that I had been crying. So he got off the phone and told me to take a walk over to the tv lounge. I started crying a little again and he tried to make it better. The problem is no one knows what it's like. He just said to think "fuck them", but its impossible. As mean as the girls may be during pledging they're amazingly nice people outside of the hours. They're mean because they have to be. How else would we learn all this stuff if their was no pressure?

I just don't want to do this.

But I can't explain to you how important it is that I don't quit.


Now that I'm home I really can't explain it. It's a totally different mindset. It drains so much out of you. I'm constantly nervous and anxious. I'm constantly depressed. All of this stuff leads me to a lack of appetite. But I'm not sure if that's from pledging or the ephedra diet pills i bought.

I'm working on stuff for pledging right now. I can't believe I have 3 more weeks left.

I'm excited for easter but in a way I'm not. I love seeing my family and easter festivities. I don't want to eat everything tomorrow. I know I'm going to want to eat everything. I've lost 4 pounds this week. I dont want to ruin that. I think I already ruined it today. Oh update on the eating disorder: I never threw up anything I ate because whenever I tried it just didn't work. But after I got that weird flu, I can throw up now. I don't have to use my finger at all. I can just make it come up. I don't do it often. Only when I'm home. There's just so much junk I like to eat around here. I want to eat something now just so I can go throw it up and keep throwing up till I know my stomachs clear. I'm well aware that I'm still absorbing calories and what not...
I bought ephedra pills online. It's called Lipodrene? I can't remember if that's it or not. Spare me the diet pill schpeel.

I need to get back to work.