I Have Finally Found.

Words that express what I-what it feels like-too try and kill off half of yourself-to feel like you don't deserve to be happy-to cut away at the thing you hate most.

I read the book Wasted by Marya Hornbacher. I wanted to read it when I was at my worst...which dosn't really feel like it was "the worst" after reading her book. But I kept passing it up when I went to buy a new book thinking that if the cashier saw the book with anorexia and bulimia written on the front-everyone would know that I had attempted the same. Done the same? I don't like considering myself either of those...because I have it twisted in my mind that if you're going to be called that-you better be sick...and I'm not sick. Well, not sick enough.

I read the book on the way back from Boyne, Michigan. My dad took us up to go skiing over the New Years. It was an amazing vacation. I'm already hating being back in reality. To make it more bitter-sweet Adam left for his geology trip yesterday-the day I came back. SO I wont be seeing him till I go back to school. He said he was going to be at school the whole weekend before because their plane gets back on friday. He said I should try to come back Saturday, but that's not going to happen because I have no way to get there.
But anyways, on the way back I was thinking about relationships and why I had never had one...and reading the book it made me realize that I did have one-with my other self. The one that told me to close myself off from everyone-to recoil at the slightest touch-to lie when asked how I am-to lie in general about how I was running my life. I never cared to have a boyfriend because I didn't want to have someone touching me-someone needing my attention when I could only focus it all to myself. Most of all, someone to make me feel happy and good about myself...because that other voice yelled that I sure didn't deserve it.

Now I'm at a crossroads again-and I keep trying to think how I can go down both at the same time. Adam, for once in my life, distracts me from trying to punish myself for everything that I've ruined. For some reason I don't feel like the huge, fat, monster my brian keeps telling me I've become-when he touches me...because everyone else does. I trust him...and it scares me. I want to be with him-but I'm not going to lie...that book brought back the memories of having that control-the idea of pushing your body to its limits because you want to do anything to destroy it.

I don't want it to be over. Just one more go at shrinking down. Chasing after that original high. I just want to be there again. I'm not going to be able to do it after college. Well maybe...I still have grad school...but it's not the same...I have to do it again. I just want to feel clean and empty and tight and cold and the feeling of pushing myself with nothing in me. I need to read that book again-I need to highlight all the parts where she wrote what I've wanted to say for so long.

"After a lifetime of silence, it is difficult then to speak...you find your lexicon vastly insufficient: the words lack shape and taste, temperature and weight...the acid of bile, the metallic tang of blood."