Being Neglectful

Wow, I feel like I havn't written on this thing in ages.

Well I'm home for a week now, and then I go to the grand canyon for a week. I'm scared about how hard it's going to be, but it will be so rewarding.

Everything is amazing with the boy. I've never been so happy. When I got on the scale an hour after getting home I looked at it-and for the first time-didn't say to myself "well you're not eating tomorrow."
I've told him everything. That what he thought was over-really wasn't. And for some reason thats pushed me forward. I don't throw up 3/4ths of what I eat anymore. I don't not eat. I don't take those god awful diet pills because he watched me flush them down a toilet. I know it hasn't gone, but I think I'm understanding it more. When I'm unhappy-it becomes the center of my life. Now I've got someone else to worry about. For once, I actually like it.

I just got through one of the hardest terms I've had at Augustana. Maybe not difficulty wise but in terms of workload yes. Next term I'll have so much more room to relax-but there's also pledging.

I'll be on the other side now. I'll be the one standing in front of girls asking for my own name, hometown, major, life story. I'm not looking forward to it.

Now that I'm home I've been working on internship applications- 2 of them are in different states: Minnesota and Washington D.C. I'd love to get the Washington one. But they're both a huge stretch. I feel like I'm too young to be doing this, but the truth is-I'm 19...well almost 20. 20 years old...oh my god.

I can't believe how old I am. I used to be so scared of getting older. I remember being 14 and wanting to be 12 again. Growing up is so bitter-sweet. Life gets a whole lot better in different ways. I no longer can have the carefree mind I had as a 14 year old...not needing a job to pay for school, car insurance, clothes, etc. I didn't need to worry about 18 page lab reports and reading a novel a week. But I definitely couldn't drink then, or have amazing conversations, or have a say in what I was making my life.

I think that's the scary thing. It's all my life now. After this year of college: it's all me paying for the $24,000 tuition, and that's with all my scholarships factored in. I want to go on Asian term my senior year-all my money. I want to go to Hawaii for our geo. trip-all my money. Where am I going to life when I get out of school?! I don't want to move back here. I HATE it here. All I see is high school, bratty kids, snooty people, suburbian ideals, and my eating problem. Geneva=hell.

I was about to play SL and went on the fashion sites to look for clothes. That's all I do in there now. Blow my Lindens on clothes because I've got nothing better to do. Which is ironic because I'm never there to show them to anyone. Haha.


Not going to lie, I just ate a chipper sandwhich and want to throw up because I'll be eating so much tomorrow and I'm terrified my face is going to be bloated for pictures. But I'm not going to...and I'm kind of happy that I'm not going to.