Yet Again...

I would give anything(well not really) to go back to the day of my last post. Why?
1.) My sorority formal and every weekend/day after absolutely made the rest of my freshman year
2.) Just to be back at college again.
3.) To be around my role models again.

I want soooo badly to quick write all the amazing things that happened the end of my freshman year, but I know I wont be able to recall the feelings and emotions nearly as well as I could have.
If your up for an intense reading session- I have another blog which I've been better about keeping up. Really the most important are about the first two pages. There's some things about pledging and a few weekends after it.

For those who don't want to read-here's some updates/problems/recollections :

Number 1!- as much as I loved the end of my freshman year, I also felt constantly depressed. Pledging changed a lot of things for me. I was always nervous during it. So nervous I didn't have an appetite. This shouldn't be a big deal because well we all know I have issues in that department. So I only ate dinner really for 5 weeks, and it usually consisted of a few picks at a salad. I hardly was ever happy, because I was so stressed out. I was almost always sad thinking we were the worst pledges ever(even though we were actually REALLY good). I studied 80 girls name,hometown, major,and nickname hours each night along with paragraphs of history we needed to know word for word. Not to forget at least 10 songs a week, which we had to know by the date they were made. It was soooo much. Every Sunday we would have these things called "inquiry" which consisted of them taking us to the tennis courts(we were founded by a tennis club). They lined us up along the court in our alphabetical line we were always in. Then they quizzed us one by one down the line on our memorization. The first night I came home crying. Mainly out of dissappointment in myself/my pledge class. I knew my stuff, but it didn't matter. We ALL had to know it. To sum it up-I've never cried so much in my life. And those who know me-know I hardly ever cry. My mindset was COMPLETELY different. Different enough that instead of finding my friends to vent to I took it out on myself. Which involved dragging my new leatherman knife along my forearm.

So I picked up a new bad habit. Since then I havn't done any more, but I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to do it again. The only thing holding me back is that it's the summer...and my dad's getting married. Of course my bridesmaid dress is spaghetti strapped. The scars are still there, and they still have a ways to go.

Pledging sucked, but I feel that I've gotten so much more out of it. The bad thing is I feel like I've kind of lost the original group I began with. They helped me during pledging, but after I felt more distant from them. They hate it when I wear my sorority jacket and the one night a week I sat at the sorority table instead of them. I know their reasons. It just sucks when they don't listen to mine.

2.)Somehow during the last weeks of school I managed to tell Adam about my eating problem. He wouldn't stop asking me how much I weighed. So I told him. But Taylor walked in halfway through the whole story so he dosn't know why it bothers me so much now. It's just so hard. People still tell me "ohhh you're so thin" and I feel like they're just lying to make me feel better. I see all the places where there used to be bone and now-lets just say there isn't. I hate remembering how thin I used to be. I knew I was thin then. I wanted to be thinner, but I knew I was thin. I just feel huge now. I feel like I'm still that thin girl but then I look in the mirror and it's like "who's that?" I feel like I've lost a part of me. Something I used to have so much control over. I'm trying to start exercising and things but it's so hard because dancing was soooo much more fun. I've been out of it too long to go back to it. And I'm going to look awful at my dad's wedding. I don't feel like thinking about it anymore.

3.)I went on my trip to the Badlands! I found a lot of really cool things. I met this Professor out there who was really cool and I've kept in touch with him. He's into bio and stuff though. I think I might go out again next year? Oh and pictures can be seen on facebook!

ok so I'd write more but I have to work tomorrow morning. Back at good ol' Petsmart!

You are forgiven

I've sprained my chest
My first year of college is almost over. COLLEGE! One year gone already!
I'm going on a geology trip this summer back out to the badlands with my friends. It's going to be amazing.
I'm done pledging...I'm not sure if any post about that made it to my blog. I can't remember if I wrote about it here. Basically the hardest thing I've ever mentally done. It was worth it.
I can't stop listening to The General- by Dispatch
We had a tornado warning but it never came :(
I miss my sl friends. I feel like I havn't talked to anyone in FOREVER. Well I really havn't... I hope everyone still goes on lots this summer! Some of the most amazing people I've ever met are on sl. I'd hate to lose that.

This fight is not worth fighting....noooooo

Tomorrow night is our sorority final! I'm so excited! We stay at a hotel and dance and drink and have SO MUCH FUN! But I have to go to church the next morning. I don't know how I'm going to get there...

So SO much

I'm home on Easter break now. I'm home till Monday.

I'm in a sorority. My first choice one. It's so hard pledging. Here's a post from my other blog about my memorization night.

Pledging sucks. I havn't been hazed, it's just so much memorization. I don't want to let the girls down. I'm just so nervous, ALWAYS. I want to stop but I know I'll regret it. I know that in the end it will pay off. I'm meeting some really great girls. I cried for the first time in forever Sunday night. THat was memorization night. I didn't do bad-I did really well I think but we ALL have to do well-not just one. I memorized almost 70 girls full names including middle. I also learned 11 songs. Memorized some history and the greek alphabet. I truly can't explain this experience. I'm not myself anymore. I'm just so stressed out. Even right now I want to cry again. Tonight was ok. 4 more weeks. Way too long.

Sunday night I got back and had to do homework so went to go down to the lounge to talk to Adam and Nate. I went down and Adam was outside on the phone and he saw that I had been crying. So he got off the phone and told me to take a walk over to the tv lounge. I started crying a little again and he tried to make it better. The problem is no one knows what it's like. He just said to think "fuck them", but its impossible. As mean as the girls may be during pledging they're amazingly nice people outside of the hours. They're mean because they have to be. How else would we learn all this stuff if their was no pressure?

I just don't want to do this.

But I can't explain to you how important it is that I don't quit.


Now that I'm home I really can't explain it. It's a totally different mindset. It drains so much out of you. I'm constantly nervous and anxious. I'm constantly depressed. All of this stuff leads me to a lack of appetite. But I'm not sure if that's from pledging or the ephedra diet pills i bought.

I'm working on stuff for pledging right now. I can't believe I have 3 more weeks left.

I'm excited for easter but in a way I'm not. I love seeing my family and easter festivities. I don't want to eat everything tomorrow. I know I'm going to want to eat everything. I've lost 4 pounds this week. I dont want to ruin that. I think I already ruined it today. Oh update on the eating disorder: I never threw up anything I ate because whenever I tried it just didn't work. But after I got that weird flu, I can throw up now. I don't have to use my finger at all. I can just make it come up. I don't do it often. Only when I'm home. There's just so much junk I like to eat around here. I want to eat something now just so I can go throw it up and keep throwing up till I know my stomachs clear. I'm well aware that I'm still absorbing calories and what not...
I bought ephedra pills online. It's called Lipodrene? I can't remember if that's it or not. Spare me the diet pill schpeel.

I need to get back to work.

dihydrogen monoxide

Again, I havn't posted in awhile...

This is just like journaling. I buy myself a nice fancy journal and tell myself I'm going to write all of my thoughts down in it everyday. Well I do and then I start leaving things out in case people see it. So then I get bored of it because I'm just writing down what everyone else see's. I guess this isn't as bad but I'm so bad at remembering. I've been really good at posting to my other blog, that only my best friends see, so if you're dying to see if I'm really up to anything go here:
http://gonedancing3889.livejournal.com/

Anyways, I'm home on spring break now. I've been home since last wednesday. I have yet to go on sl. My credit card didn't work so I have to put in my moms since mine is almost expired. Once I do that I can go on. If I don't by March 11th they're terminate my account. The good thing about being away at school is that I havn't been able to go on sl and spend money, so I've got a ridiculous amount of money that will be worthless if I don't renew. I'm still debating about changing to a basic account? I like my weekly money but I never play it and no one is ever on when I'm on. Ugghhhh....

I'm over my missing-school-friend phase. The first couple I was really sad. Adam is in Austria/Hungary. I'm slightly jealous. I want to go to Europe soooo bad. I could've gone. I just don't have the money for it. He called me from Europe though! I guess he's been continuously drinking as should every underage-american should. I guess he had a liter of beer, 2 shots of chocolate liqour, and egg liqour which he found disqusting. He told me he found a souviner that I will REALLY like. I'm excited. My friends have decided that I'm in love with him...I know I like him again, but I know nothing could happen.

I'm going to downtown Chicago with my other friends from school on wednesday. Should be fun.

Tomorrow I'm going over to this kid Mike's house. He's from highschool. Just friends. He's really funny.

Friday I'm celebrating my birthday at my dad's house.

Saturday Adam is taking me to a dance competition his studio is performing in. Then I have to come back and celebrate my birthday with my mom and her side of the family.

Then sunday I go back to school. I have to go back early to see if I got accepted into a sorority. I still don't know if I want to be in a sorority. I'm so worried I wont get to see my friends as much. I don't think I'll know until I talk to Adam about it on saturday. He'll actually think about it.

I'm watching Memoirs of a Geisha right now. Such a good movie.

Today I went to the grocery store with my mom. We went down the international aisle and I found the british section. They had marmite! A little baby jar! It was cute.

Cold Night

Haha once again, I have not blogged for awhile and now I'm scrambling to make up for it.

First of all it's freakin cold here. 0 degrees! It hurts having to walk to classes. Literally.

Besides the cold I'm still sick! Called the doctor and they said I have the flu, but the reason I havn't gotten better is that I havn't been eating bland food. I guess I've adopted a bulimic mindset and ate anything I wanted because I knew I'd throw it up anyway. This week is being devoted to getting out of that.

Me and Brian are officially over. He's going out with this girl Adam was kind of after for a little until he found out she had no personality. We decided that Brian just uses her as a blowup doll. It's true! I think he realized that I wasn't going to have sex with him any time soon and just said f- it. I'm not upset or anything. I went into it knowing that it would probably happen. Now I just need to get his stuffed animal back to him...

Oh, Adam is my valentine this year. It was a last resort type deal. His roomate said I could get him sex for valentines day. I rejected that suggestion.

I got accepted to go on foreign term but had to turn it down. It's just way too much money. I'm sure it's probably a good deal, but it's a good deal at the wrong time. I also found out our dollar isn't worth shit over there. Therefore the best thing to do is have the brits come over here.

I must go to the coffee shop now! I feel like sketching

OMG

SNOW DAY.