Chaotic Mind

I can't sleep for the second night in a row.
Why?
Well last night I must have swallowed loads of air while purging up my dinner(which was these cheese cracker sticks. I can't believe I didn't end up choking). That air created a huge balloon in my tummy causing me to burp like crazy, but not just any old harmless burping. It came up in bubble followed by water/stomach bile I don't know. And it just wouldn't stop. Possibly the worst feeling ever. Not only was I constantly throwing up more than I wanted to, but not able to lay down without getting up a minute later, or at least feeling emptied like I've cleared everything out.

to top it off I went to bed on our downstairs couch. Which left me waking up 3 hours later with a big bloated tummy at 6am listening to my brother bicker with my mom while he was running off to work. I rustled around trying to put Alice in Wonderland on for the 50th time. I don't know about you but Disney movies always cure me when I'm down-sickness or mentally. Alice in Wonderland has been my flick of choice. Anyways. Another 4 hours later I woke up feeling full still and just gross. Mom insisted that we go shopping for futons today. And after I woke my crabby self up a bit more she had enlisted the help of "Aunt Cindy" who is basically her gay lover only not. You know-a best friend who you can just be ridiculously close with...aka acting like lesbian mothers of mine helping me find the perfect futon for my dorm room while also falling onto mattresses together pretending to bump muffs. Embarrassing.

We went to this one place for lunch and I had this salad. I didn't plan on throwing it up but it just kept sitting at the top of my throat like my stomach just didn't want it. We went to the grocery store where I got some ice cream-great idea I know. I ate some of that when we got back and actually purged that on purpose. OH MY GOD. The best thing that I've ever eaten and thrown up. I know that sounds awful but you wouldn't believe how awful and really scary it is to get up breads. And fruit? Let me just say-you might as well gargle hydrochloric acid.

And again. I'm left feeling like a total blimp. Which is why I'm really trying to stop this great idea of mine. The throwing up part I mean. This past week it has just been-ridiculous. It started off just once a day MAYBE. Now it's everyday multiple times a day. I can't imagine the damage it's going to do to my teeth, throat, and plumbing. AND it's not even helping in my weightloss plan. It just sucks. Absolutely SUCKS. SO hopefully the next few days I'll be able to keep myself under control not to have anything that would prompt me throwing it up. The hard part is that it's not like I have to stick my fingers halfway down my throat to get it up. I'm one of the "lucky" ones who can just bend over and contract my muscles a bit and it's all downhill from there. My mind just knows its an easy way to get it out.

So why can't I sleep tonight? I stared at photos from when I was near my lowest. All the bones sticking out. I was a complete skeleton. I didn't see it then but now that I'm bigger. I feel like I'll never get there again. Like I'm nothing anymore. Like I'm not worth anything. I shouldn't be having fun or about to go buy clothes for school. I don't deserve it. You know when your about to cry your face just hurts? Well thats how I feel right now. I'm not letting myself really cry because I feel like I;m a failure. A complete worthless failure who just needs to lock herself in a room and not eat anything but some blueberries. I just want to take my knife to my arm again and run the blade across it. But it's fucking summer. AND I have to be to work at 6 am. I just hate me.

I hate me.

And I think I'm ready for bed now.

BBC

I've been watching BBC loads lately. I love this one show called Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares. I forgot his first name but he's this chef who is a complete ass and he goes to restraunts that are going under and fixes them up. It's sooo good. And now I'm watching this one documentary called I'm a Boy Anorexic. They're all like little kids too. Which I think is pretty scary-but then I remember that I was the same way. Thinking that I wanted to loose weight in 7th/8th grade. I had to be around 13 or 14 then.

Today I woke up at like 8 am. I took Oliver to the vet and came back home. Then I went in the pool for like an hour. It was soooooooooooooo much fun! I havn't been swimming in forever. It was just nice to be in the pool by myself and relaxing. I even got a little tan. But I don't have that glowy tan like everyone else gets. My skin just looks ashen and gross. I think I need more vitamin C or something.

On to the bad part...So I got Oliver from the vet-everything was fine-came home and watched some TV. I went to do my usual email check and saw I had a message from the girl I'm staying with during the Bix weekend. Taylor is staying there too. Old roommate Taylor. I don't know if I can stay there?! Well i can but I hate being around her. There's like 2 other girls there that like LOVE her and don't realize the kind of person she really is. I dont want to be around that negativity while I'm out there, but I dont want to bail on the girl I asked to stay with because she's awesome. Maybe I'll get lucky and pass out at another persons house haha. Still.It sucks. I just want to forget about it.

So I'm scarred about Taylor being there because of my bad impression from being roommates freshman year...and because she was bulimic. It's like I've decided in my head that we're competing. I think she's so much skinnier than me. She has like twig legs that I never even had at my lowest. I'm embarrassed that she'll be seeing me. I dont feel like I've lost enough...lost anything to notice. AND

Drinking. Drinking=loads of empty calories. Which I'm terrified of. I almost don't want to go to the festival any more. You know after you drink your face-everything gets all puffy and gross. I dont want to happen. I dont want to ruin any impact that I've already made on myself. I'm so scared. Really I am. Ive got this horrible feeling that I'm going to go there and people are going to look at me like I'm fat and see me drinking and watch me get fatter.

Flash Back

So I was looking at pictures today. Ones from when I was almost at my lowest. Well it was after my lowest by about 2 weeks. And then I found pictures of me last summer. I couldn't believe it. I compared everything I hate about my body now to the pictures. Thinking that it all magically appeared at the end of the school year, I had to think about it again. My arms look the same-my face is almost the same-my collarbone area. Thinking more about it-I probably only gained about 5-10 pounds at school. I've lost about 7 since coming back home. Not nearly enough. But I'm trying to stay positive. Trying to remember that this didn't happen over night. It didn't happen in a month. It took me months. Months to get to the point where my body was really eating at itself. Almost losing a half a pound each day or so.

Tomorrow I'm going to do something I havn't done for a while and not yet this summer. Swim in my pool. We have a huge swimming pool at my house, but of course no one has caught me in it. And they wont-because I'm going to go in during the day when my mom is at work and my brother is too busy to care. I'm excited. To feel the chlorine and weightlessness. To sort of get some exercise. To swim and not worry about people looking at me. Judging me.

I dont work tomorrow BUT I have to take my kitty to the vet. My very overweight kitty-haha. I'm going to buy him a toy. A kitty scratcher.

I need to clean my room tomorrow too-and my ferrets cage.

I want to buy more avocados. I made this really good mixture that I like to eat for lunch or dinner. It's 1/4 cup of black beans-cold. half an avocado and 1/4 a can of tuna. sooooooooo good!!

I'm also going to watch Alice in Wonderland tomorrow.

It's going to be a good day

4 Times

4 times I've purged today.

And the fourth time I found myself staring into the white porcelain abyss wondering if my eyes would pop out, my head explode, or just my entire stomach to come shooting up my esophagus along with my noodles and avocado. I hate it. But I'm terrified to not do it.

My dad sent my brother and I a package from his honeymoon. It had a bottle of maple syrup, dried cherries, salt water taffy, 6 types of fudge, 2 bags of chocolate covered peanuts and...a package of Michigan rocks and minerals. He also sent me the link to the wedding pictures, which I'm included in. I was going to post a link but I'm not happy about how I look so I'm not going to.

Feel

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Still so tired.
I need to go to he grocery store today.
I need to take a shower.
But I'm so tired.
I want to cook dinner for my family tonight.
But I'm so tired.
I don't know what to make.
I can't cook meat.
Maybe another night.
I want to buy my mom flowers.
Which means I have to go to the store.
Which means I'll have to take a shower.
Which means I'll have to stop laying down.
Which is practically impossible.

Rootbeer.

HAHA I just remembered when I was in the badlands-we were getting really slap happy from the sun draining
our enery. So I wanted to make a Haiku but couldn't remember how they are structured.So I yelled down to one of my friends...
"What's the structure of a haiku?!" and she yelled up blah-blah-blah(well actual numbers that I don't remember)
And then all the sudden about 5 more yells came out from the depressions. It was such a cool-weird feeling.

Your Cure

So i think I might have gotten the cure for my shitty feelings.

I've been having a lot of headaches lately which I assumed was just dehydration even though I drink lots of water. BUT...

Yesterday I went to the eye doctor and told her about my headaches. She took a look and found that I now have an astigmatism in my left eye. AWESOMEEEE. And they got slightly worse prescription wise. I didn't think they were bad but I guess not!

I worked from 6-10 today. It went by kind of slow. But then I went outside and it was just SOO nice out. I hope I can get myself out to ride my bike tonight. Especially since it's supposed to be getting really hot this week. Gay.

Ok I think that's all the awesome news I have for you today.