Terrible Blogging Habits

My first post in over 6 months and the first of the new year. I'm terrible.

Can you blame me though? Unfortunately whenever I'm on a computer I feel obligated to be working on homework.

I read my last post and it's so funny looking back on it over a half year later. It's one of the reasons I stopped writing in journals. I hate reading past feelings. I hate seeing how needy or whiny or *insert negative emotion extreme*.

Telling Adam I loved him is something I don't regret. I wouldn't change the timing of it either. Really, if I had waited-one more month would have been the difference. Now I realize that everyone has different feelings at different times. I don't see mine as being too early at all. Like I've said before-he's pretty much my first everything...and with that comes lots of emotional attachment.

He still was a jerk over the time he was away. Though I can't completely forget about it, I think I know why it happened.

See Adam still hasn't said those 3 words to me yet. It'll be our 1.2 year anniversary March 10th. No I'm not expecting him to say it, but the fact that he hasn't said it yet means that he isn't ready(obviously). Me saying it at 6 months must have really freaked him out. I can only imagine myself doing the same thing-distancing myself.

It hurts at times, but only because I feel like he's more to me than I am to him. They say if you reflect on your relationship it's a sign you're heading down the break-up path. Maybe it's a lie. Anyways, lots of reflecting later-I have a new view of myself. I'm a damn good girlfriend. I KNOW what I deserve. I love him, but if he never loves me-oh well. Someone will.

School this year has been pretty awesome. I'm 2/3 through my junior year now. I did awesome in my classes last term. 3 A's and 1 B, hello Dean's List! I've applied to a bunch of research programs for the summer. I hope I make one this time. I've already been turned down from 2. I'm kind of bummed, but there's nothing I can do about it now!

I"m in Florida right now on spring break...at my granny's house. I've been getting some sun and doing some shopping. Basically getting pumped for my 21ST BIRTHDAY on MARCH 8th!!

Well. It's after 11 here and I'm super tired. I think I'll head to bed. Still need to figure out in SL works with Macbooks...I doubt it.

Listen to This

You know what sucks about being a woman-PMS.
I've never had a problem with it-or at least the cranky snappy crazy part-till this past year. Having a relationship just seems to make it worse. Maybe because it's the one thing I can't control-so all that craziness is just focused into one area? I dont know. But it sucks.

I'm totally freaking myself out. Last night I convinced myself that Adam isn't thinking about me anymore and is probably freaking out about his whole love thing. All because he was only calling me at night. Then I thought about it-especially today, realizing that that's how it's always been. I mean we switch off kind of on who's texting who good morning-but no reason to freak out. He's on vacation, he's not in love with me yet, I need to make sure I realize that.

I want to tell him sometimes how I feel-since he's always been that person, but this is definitely one time I don't think it would be appropriate. I don't want to push it on him. I just hope he dosn't go the opposite direction.

Regardless, PMS has me second guessing myself all day-thinking about him all day-and wanting to cry all day as well. UGH. I've never been so excited for him to come home.

Love.

Love is obviously a different definition for every person, with some being extremely similar-to some being completely different than your own. I can't tell you how many times I've questioned my own definition-scared that it defined lust instead. But after all the worrying I've never changed my answer. I am in love.

1.) I think about him first thing in the morning and the last thing at night...and nearly every time in between. If I hear a new song-I wonder if he would like it. If I buy something to wear-I wonder what he would think it looks good on me. If I talk about anything-I wonder what he would say back. When I think about when I'll see him next-I wonder what I could do to make that day absolutely perfect. When I lay in bed at night-I wonder how he would hold me if he was there too.

2.) I constantly miss him. The minute he drove out of the driveway I was already bummed. I see him normally once a week-which seems like once a month. I've told him I miss him every single day. I hope they don't seem like empty words.

3.) Sometimes I think about if something bad would ever happen to him. I usually start crying at the thought. If he was ever disfigured-I'd still stay with him. Not because of pity.

4.) It hurts. There's this heavy sort of feeling in my chest. Just a combination of all the things I think and feel about him. All the time.

5.) I'm so scared that he'll go back to his ex-but it seems to worry me for a little bit and then let go. Because I trust him that he'd never do that or anything else to hurt me.

6.) I've never been so happy-mainly with myself.

I'm sure there's more, but honestly I'm just getting sad missing him again.

Cry Baby

Well I'm finally updating this thing. I frequently blog on another website that is basically between 4 friends and I. It's a way for us all to update each other after being so spread out after high school. Sadly, it's the first blog I go to and this one takes the brunt of it. BUT now that I'm home and on SL a lot more now-I think it's about time I get this one up to speed.

This summer I am living the bum life pretty much. There are absolutely no jobs around where I live-or none that I would stay sane at. Luckily my dad is letting me take on some projects for his janitorial service. For instance today i washed windows. Wohoooo.

I've heard that college is the best thing you'll ever pay for. I keep trying to tell myself that. So far, we've payed $53,000 for it. I still have two years left. And I'm pretty much run out of my savings. No Asia term for me :/ So student loans will be my next new friend. It's just scary to think about life after college. But maybe I'll keep that worry for senior year.

Speaking of worries. My boyfriend and I just had our 6th month anniversary a couple days ago. We went to a movie-out to lunch/early dinner and I gave him a picture that I drew. It had 182 reasons why I loved him written on the back, hidden within the frame. That was the first time I said "I love you". I didn't hear it back. But I really am ok with it-because I'd rather him just know. I'm one of those people who like to tell people how they feel about them-how much they care for them-when it happens. We don't really know if there might not be another chance? Yes, call me Miss Optimism. Anyways, as I said, I've rationalized everything out-that I don't at all regret it, I'm glad I said it, and it will mean so much more when he says it back to me. However somewhere I'm hurting, because I can't stop crying. It's awful. I've never felt so much hurt and it's all in that cliche heart-chest area. I hit my bed pillow and just bust into tears. Just all out sobs. Curling up into the fetal position and clutching my pillow. For once I can't control it. I can't help but think of him every time I wake up-and right before I drift off to sleep.

It hasn't been all that bad. Now, we talk wayyyy longer on the phone and it seems like he's trying hard to keep it going. He also uses this soft voice more now, which I loveee. I've run into a new conflict though. What do I say to him? I can't say "I love you" because I don't want him to feel pressured to say it back, but I feel like if I say "I like you" it's a huge step back from what I really mean. Any ideas? Greatly apprecitated.

Besides the boy. I've got a few things to look forward to-like seeing Harry Potter opening night at 12am!!! AND I'm dressing up all HP like-AND my friend an I are going to watch a HP marathon right before the big event. I'm so excited.
This coming weekend I'll be heading into Chicago for the Pitchfork Music Festival. I'm going with 3 of my best friends(from high school) and sleeping over at my one friend's house that's nearly in the city. I'm excited to see some new bands. The first week in august I'll be heading up to Michigan to see my dad. Then I'll be back to paradise on Aug. 18th!!!

Oh my. Summer can't go fast enough.

Home

I'm Home.
No job.
Period came.wooo.
Wont see Adam till Monday.
To afraid to go out into the real world
when you feel like such a failure.

Revolutionary Road

I cannot fall asleep. It's not really that surprising. Going to sleep by myself is so hard. Tonight is a little different though. I saw Revolutionary Road at my school theater. I read the book this winter and loved it. I loved the movie too. It was just depressing. As the book was too. So now I'm sad and cannot fall asleep.

Today I threw up my dinner. I hadn't for awhile. I threw up lunch yesterday. I'm so tired of not being who I want to be.

I'm tired of my roommate. One reason I can't wait for summer.

I feel like I need to cry.

My jaw hurts. I've been clamping my jaw all day and I dont know why.

My head is just tired. But my mind isn't.

Maybe I'll just work on my psych paper.